Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

I've asked this in posts before, but I have seen it a lot lately "I do the mom things"... what exactly are mom things?

Is it  cooking?  If so the lunchroom ladies at the school are doing a mom thing.

Is it  cleaning?  If so, the custodians at the schools I work in are doing a mom thing.

Is it going to ECs?  If so, all the dads I see there are doing mom things.

Helping take care of a sick child?  My husband is doing a mom thing.

Or it is the simple fact that the person doing these types of things is the owner of a pair of boobs and a uterus that makes them mom things?


by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 12:48 PM
Replies (61-69):
AlmostStepmom3
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:14 PM
There's a dynamic moms (or people in a mom role) bring to a family that can't be duplicated. The dynamic is different in every house. As are the roles and responsibilities. DH usually cooks, I usually mow the grass... But its more than just those things. It's the mom (or mom-like) bond you develop with a child. In our house, I am more patient with homework, am more sympathetic when they're sick and buy/do special things, take SD out for girl time.... But, those examples may not apply to the next person.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AlmostStepmom3
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:21 PM
I feel like I need to follow that up... The 'mom things' can even be different between BM and SM... And probably are. Different expectations, different levels of involvement, and just the fact that BM is, well, BM.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:22 PM

That's called a crappy SM. My SD sure as hell does not appreciate everything I do for her but I have not stopped, and I don't plan to. Still I don't think I am my skids Mom, but I am a parent to them. Not a "non- parent" or a "stranger" or "nanny" etc.

Quoting whatIknownow:

When was the last time you heard a BM say "I'm my kids mom because I make their lunch and drive them to the dentist."

Never?

That's because it would be dumb.

But I got another one for ya.. how many times have we seen SMs say "I did all the mom things for that kid, now he is disrespectful so now I'm not going to do anything for him any more."

Every day you see at least one of those.

Now.. how many times does a real mom say "my kid doesn't appreciate me so I'm not going to do the mom things anymore."

Never?

Ah..

get it?

A SM who thinks she is suddenly the mom because she makes sandwiches, but who stops being 'the mom" when the kid acts like a normal kid, is a poser.

Posers suck.


TheStepMonster
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:29 PM

Wait a minute, Packer.  Even though your kids don't have a SM anymore, doesn't make what Steamed was saying less relevant.  Not only did you have a suck ass SM in your situation with your kids, you also had a suck ass SM as a child (or a series of suck ass SM's - can't remember which).  I think that does tend to lend itself to skewing your POV.  However, that doesn't mean that the way you handle being a SM, the way you expect your DH to handle being a SP, or the way you expect your kids SM to behave is the only correct way.  CSM or not.

You came from a shitty history of being a SK.  I came from a 1/2 way decent one.  My POV is different.  It doesn't make mine right and yours wrong, or vice versa.  Just different.  And that's ok.  Now, I do see what you're getting at here with your OP.  And yeah - cooking, driving, laundering for SK's does not make you "mom".  It's like WIKN said in a response - are you the SM that when your 15 year old SK starts rebelling, you throw your hands up and walk away?  That's where "mom things" are defined.  And I think that's what you're trying to demonstrate.  Being mom or MOM is more than cooking and cleaning.  And I know there are plenty of SM's here that would argue otherwise.  We'll just have to wait and see what happens in a few years when their SK's start getting minds of their own :)

Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:


Your SM stitch sucks. There are plenty of BMs that suck also. You need to LOOK AT DIFFERENT POV'S. NOT just yours sometimes. It would be nice to see you try.

jus sayin'..

Normally you're a very nice poster so I'm going to say this one time.  My kids no longer have a SM and even if they did this would not apply to her.  I'm taking this from other posters on this board who have thrown out the mom thing like it matters that they know how to run a washer or an oven.  My situation does not come into play and if you have actually read my posts as of lately you'd know our (my kids and I) lives became much easier when the peanut gallery was shut down and even easier still when my ex pretty much backed off completely when he divorced her. 

I will not explain this anymore, I just got tired of you pointing out that my situation is sucky.  No, it isn't.  No SM = life is good.  Jus sayin'...


grey ribbon

During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM).  She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998.  Love and miss you much.

mom2boys664
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:45 PM
1 mom liked this

I think there are "mom" things, although I don't know if they are necessarily tangible, cooking and cleaning sort of things. I think "mom" things are the softer, more intuitive things that I don't think men do.  I don't really see where a dad can take the place of mom, and vice versa.  They can try, they can be a great parent, but it's not quite the same.  I would also say this about SMs - they can try to do all the things, but it's not quite the same.

I struggle with this, for several reasons.  One of my good friends has an adopted son.  Does she love him less because he didn't come out of her body? Is she less of a mom? I don't think so. So does the fact that his BM gave him up make up the difference? Or the fact that there is a legal document make her mom?  How about the fact that he was a baby and will never remember his mom?

The other reason is my own situation.  First I had two stepsons - mom was there, I was in the backseat, and I would describe myself as more of an "aunt" than a mom. Next I have my own son, so I see the BM perspective firsthand. Finally I now have two different stepsons and mom is gone - compeltely gone - and I am the "mom" in their life. It is not a role I sought out (like my friend that adopted her son) and not a role I covet (I have my own child, have done the SM thing for almost 18 yrs prior) but a role I chose to accept.

So I do all the "mom" things that I do for my own son for them as well. Some of it may be silly, like remembering that one likes mustard on his hot dogs when the other's like ketchup (when dad orders three all the same) or tucking them in at night and giving them cuddles and kisses (when dad give high fives), and making a big deal getting water and an small vase over dandelions picked in the yard. But honestly I think about what I would want for my son if I were dead or for some reason unable to be with him, and how I would want him to be cared for.  I would want him to be loved and have someone to do the "mom" things for him. Of course one parent alone can raise a child, and of course the child's actual parents are the ones to do this in an ideal world. But I think SMs in many cases bring something to the table, add something to their skids lives, and yes sometimes bring a "mom" factor to kids that don't have that in their life.  It doesn't mean that SMs should take away from a BM that is already there being a mom, but not all BMs are.

Mommyof5247
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 2:18 PM
For me, it has nothing to do with recognition as a SM. I know my skids love their mother & what they feel toward me may change as they get older, it may not. I have 3 (soon to be 4) biological children. I do the same for my stepkids as I do for my own children & a lot of it happens to be traditional female roles.

It does depend on each household.
In our home, I'm the primary nurturer & DH is the primary provider. Our roles may be seen as "stuck in the 50s" except that DH likes to cook & garden & I do not (but do them anyway). All of the kids come to me to heal booboos, give hugs when sad & listen. They go to DH to fix things (& hugs too but at different times). I organize the family & DH makes sure we're safe.

DS17's other family works the same way.
Same with DD14's when she sees her dad because he doesn't do the things I do (not a nurturer at all).
BM's house according to the kids, neither of them are nurturing, they are both more like big siblings or playmates.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
mikeysmommy143
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 5:08 PM
I wouldn't consider it jealous, but if the stepmom does do a lot for the stepchild shouldn't she get some credit for it? Especially if they are taking care of the child and on,y have the best interest of the child.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 5:11 PM

She hopefully will get all credit due from the child.

Quoting mikeysmommy143:

I wouldn't consider it jealous, but if the stepmom does do a lot for the stepchild shouldn't she get some credit for it? Especially if they are taking care of the child and on,y have the best interest of the child.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Pero1
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this

What people seem to forget that most (not all, normal disclaimers apply) kids have a mom who does the mom things. During mom's time, they usually have a "mom overload", because ... well, because dad isn't there and mom also does the dad things (unless there is - God forbid - a super-involved SF).

So they are lacking "dad time" ... and to compensate should maybe get a "dad overload" during dad's time.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)