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sm equal to bm?

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:04 PM
  • 69 Replies
So disclaimer I'm not a sm, I joined the group to gain empathy and understanding as my boys will be getting a stepmom. So I am the custodial parent and we are in court to descide visitation. I have a 3 year old and almost 2 year boys. I have an amazing stepdad and my sister has an amazing husband who is a great stepdad to her son. So don't think I hate all steparents. I have raised the boys by myself their whole lives and for a year of it they had no contact with their dad by his choice. My problem is I was discussing with ex an issue involving our sons and she butted in. I politely told her ( they aren't married yet as we aren't fully divourced) that she had no say as she wasn't their parent. She said that she was equal to me because she was marrying their dad and pregnant with their sibling. Imo it doesn't matter even if they were married unless it's a abn issue at their house like them not minding her. But overall descions like health school ect are between me and ex. I'm fully aware she may influence his choices but that does not make her my equal in my childrens life. Furthermore she has taken toi screening my calls to him. As I only call when I have to like when I take the kids to doctor I'm annoyed. Was I wrong and how should
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by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
buttercup627
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:07 PM
I hope those were her horomones talking lol. No def not equal, especially where you have full custody.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:09 PM

ha... she is delusional.

No, she is not "equal" to you in terms of being a parent to your children. Not even close.

now if you gave up custody and walked away, and she was married to your kids' father, it would be a different story.

but given the circumstances you presented... no. She's a silly girl.

and it doesn't matter how many married men's children she's knocked up with... no.

mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:11 PM
Not equal but depending on what the discussion is I don't see anything wrong with her giving her opinion. That's all it should be is an opinion.
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SP_Mama
by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:15 PM

I am a custodial SM and I still don't think I'm equal to mom.  Obviously, at our house it's DH and I who make the decisions but big decisions are between DH and BM and that's how it should be, IMO/

Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:16 PM

She isn't equal. You aren't wrong. Tell her she is free to discuss her opinion with your X, but ultimately the decision is between you and him

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand? ~The Crow

KJ_on
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:19 PM
Thanks ladies I was scared to post I though yall would eat me alive. I am trying to be the bigger person for the kids sake but they are making it tough. They taught her 4 year old to call me the bad girl for heaven sake. I will not bash ex around the boys as all that does is hurt them. I don't think he even has an equal say in the boys as I have done it all and he's been absent for 70% of their lives. I'm trully sorry for this girl but honestly she makes it hard for me to pity her. I understand that her feelings about me are a reflection of the ex's. That ex may have an equal say in her 4 year old as she is co but that doesn't mean she has a say in mine.
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:20 PM
I am going to have to disagree here for a min. I do not think she is equal by any means i think her opinion can be heard though. Also u said the only way would her opinion hold grounds is if sm were to take over custody. That's the part I disagree with. My husband and i have full custody of sd she sees her mom one weekend a month give or take and most of the summer. Mom flakes out on visits often and sd has autism I've attended every iep meeting got her dignosed get her therapies and involved in activities. I dress this kid everyday bathe her every night. I believe that gives me equal if not more say in how this lil one gets raised.


Quoting whatIknownow:

ha... she is delusional.

No, she is not "equal" to you in terms of being a parent to your children. Not even close.

now if you gave up custody and walked away, and she was married to your kids' father, it would be a different story.

but given the circumstances you presented... no. She's a silly girl.

and it doesn't matter how many married men's children she's knocked up with... no.


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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:25 PM

SM's opinion can be  heard by her husband (well, boyfriend in this case). There is no reason mom needs to take SM's opinion into consideration. It would be the same if he brought his friend, sister or college roommate along. Those people, just like the girlfriend, mean nothing to mom.

you can't compare your situation (you're married to the dad, dad has full custody, mom is a flake) with the OP's sitch. 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

I am going to have to disagree here for a min. I do not think she is equal by any means i think her opinion can be heard though. Also u said the only way would her opinion hold grounds is if sm were to take over custody. That's the part I disagree with. My husband and i have full custody of sd she sees her mom one weekend a month give or take and most of the summer. Mom flakes out on visits often and sd has autism I've attended every iep meeting got her dignosed get her therapies and involved in activities. I dress this kid everyday bathe her every night. I believe that gives me equal if not more say in how this lil one gets raised.


Quoting whatIknownow:

ha... she is delusional.

No, she is not "equal" to you in terms of being a parent to your children. Not even close.

now if you gave up custody and walked away, and she was married to your kids' father, it would be a different story.

but given the circumstances you presented... no. She's a silly girl.

and it doesn't matter how many married men's children she's knocked up with... no.



baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:28 PM

 heres my question: what exactly did you say to her when she said that to you?

KJ_on
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:46 PM
I told her that she didn't and it would be likje me having a say in their baby. Mamabear- in your situation you do have equal or more say but you are in the position of a custodial parent. This girl will never be unless I die.
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