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Need lots of advice, "talking" about getting married and officially becoming the SM

Posted by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 10:41 AM
  • 53 Replies

Hi everyone,

I'd love any advice you may have for me. I'm currently living (in sin :) with my boyfriend, who is a father to 2 boys-5 years and 12 years. We have a good thing going here. I'm also divorced, no kids. Unable to have children. Because of my life experience, I'm extremely grateful to be a part of these 2 wonderful boys lives. I love, care and treat them like my own. Don't get me wrong....there's lots of times where they frustruate us, but I feel that the past 2 years we've formed a solid "family" and my boyfriend and I have good communication when it comes to discipline, etc. 

As far as the BM ('s), yes 2 baby mama's.....My boyfriend had his 12 year old during college. Tried to make it work, but it didn't. The 12 year old's mom and him are friendly, amicable and do everything in the best interest for their son. She and I are friendly and share interests. We text, call, and keep in touch for the best interests of her son. We've discussed my role and she's so supportive of my place here in the family.

The "other one", however, is his recent ex, whom left for another man when his child was too young to even remember. She was MIA for 2 years, but this year has become MOTY (mother of the year, it's our code). I'm grateful she's chosen to become more involved for her son's sake, however, she's trying to tear my boyfriend away from his son. They have joint custody, however we have more "hours" as we have him every weekend (thurs-sun). Her recent "shananagan's" have included calling the principal of the school when my boyfriend and I decided to volunteer at the school handing out hot lunches to the entire school. We didn't take him out of school, etc. and it was "our" day. She called and said that I'm "not allowed on the premises" Well....obviously that didn't fly and the principal let us volunteer. She's crazy. And obviously self-conscious about her own roll as a mother. 

With all of the crap she's put him and us through, I'd rather her just act in the best interest of her son, leave us alone, and play nice. i don't need drama in my life, I've had enough.

so, my questions to you are....

1. How do I deal with this woman for the rest of my life?

2. How much do I get involved? and what are my rights, legally and morally?

3. Do I sit down with her face to face and have a conversation? And what do I say?

all I want is a peaceful, happy life with these boys....all 3.

Thanks for your support.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 10:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KellyReedy
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 10:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Well,sounds like will be smooth with the one SS.  Everyone hear will give you different advice as to your "role". Do what works!!!

Refurbished
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 10:53 AM

If she doesn't want you volunteering at her child's school, you shouldn't do it.  She isn't "crazy" for being angry over it.  She's expressing that she doesn't like having another woman step into her role as mother of her child.  If that's how she feels, you will never be able to force her to feel any different, and it will only cause a lot of grief for the child if you try. 

Regarding #2:  You don't have rights to this child.  Even when you get married, you will have no legal rights whatsoever. 

The best thing you can do is be a support to your husband.  Make sure that the children are happy and their needs are met while they are in your home, but ultimately you need to allow your DH to coparent with his children's mothers. 

sassy711
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:04 AM

OK...the 2nd BM is probably always going to be a problem.  Many BM's that walk away/abandon their child often come back and want to be MOTY due to their guilt and insecurities.  The best advice I can give you is to have everything regarding that SS be handled by your SO.  You take your direction from him as to what he wants your role to be.  He may or may not take BM's feelings into consideration.  I imagine he probably has some anger and resentment toward her for walking out of the son's life and then trying to be MOTY. If the BM left then how'd joint custody come about?  Is DH able to handle BM?  How is the relationship between SS and his BM?  How is the relationship between you and SS?  The best interest of the child is determined by the bio-parents (a judge if parents can't work it out).  As a SM you will have no rights regarding any of your SS's.  It sounds as if you and the first BM are able to work well together but that may not be the case with the 2nd BM.  DH has to handle this.  Good luck 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:05 AM
3 moms liked this


Quoting jersgirl77:


1. How do I deal with this woman for the rest of my life?

don't deal with her at all. Let your boyfriend deal with her. If it bothers you to hear about her antics, ask him not to tell you about them. The less you know about her, the better. 

2. How much do I get involved? and what are my rights, legally and morally?

Legally  you won't have any rights. Morally, your obligation is the same as it would be for a friends' child in your care, or a relative's child. Do no harm. Be nice to them. Do not interfer with your boyfriend's relationship with them, or with their mother's relationship with them. 

3. Do I sit down with her face to face and have a conversation? And what do I say?

I would not recommend initiating a meeting. If she wishes to meet you, you can meet her. Be polite, treat it like a business meeting. You don't owe her anything, so if you choose not to meet with her, that is your prerogative.



newstepmom61811
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:07 AM
9 moms liked this
You will get ALL sorts of answers here, it will blow your hair back...you will get the "you have NO rights" answers to the "this is what SMs should have" answers. The reality is...this is not as much of a SMs support group as you'd think...you really want to know what your legal right are...GO TO YOUR STATE'S FAMILY LAW website and read it for yourself. You may be surprised, I was. My state does give a few right "just because I am married". And there are federal ones too...FERPA for example on education. Based on the custody split. SPs married to the custodial parent do get rights, federal law...schools know it. BMs here will tell you you shouldn't have it...oh we'll, shoulda, coulda, woulda, take it up in DC, already law...do don' come here for this advice...these BMs will just try to make you feel like a shadow in a closest to their kids. As for being their for YOUR husband...live YOUR life with YOUR family. You are in it for your SO, not to be a sister wife with an ex. Let the demons GO. Give up any illusion of positive contact and settle for no contact. Let your man deal with his ex, his JOB is to protect you from her. Your role is to support your SO, his kid who you love, just be there, cheerlead for the both of them. Handle what you want to in your house, that's it. Sounds like you or lucky with BM#1, enjoy that.
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rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:10 AM
1 mom liked this

1) Technically you will only have to "deal" with her for the next 13ish years, after that the situation will be much different when your SS is an adult. Things could change for the better in the meantime, once she gets used to you being around and after you marry you bf. You just have to be prepared that it could get worse, and are you willing and able to live with that?

2) Just be involved with your SS's in your own home and during family outings, when BM is present, step back and let her do her thing. That way she cannot accuse you of overstepping and it will minimize drama. You do however have the "right" to volunteer at SS's school if you want but you are obviously taking the risk that BM will be upset, which you can either ignore or let it get to you. Any legal "rights" you may have once your married would be through you DH, whatever he allows you to do on his behalf. Morally, not sure what you mean by that, but I recommened you don't try to assert any percieved rights onto BM, let her be the Mom as long as she is able and willing.

3) This depends on your relationship, which does not sound to great right now. If you want to offer BM to have coffee and chat with you, go for it, she may or may not agree. It's usually better to ease into the relationship thougd, let it naturally take it's course. Unless of course your the incredibly amicable type that "no one" can dislike, then you may be able to win her over with kindness. That worked for me!!

Refurbished
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:16 AM
2 moms liked this
Quoting newstepmom61811:

You will get ALL sorts of answers here, it will blow your hair back...you will get the "you have NO rights" answers to the "this is what SMs should have" answers. The reality is...this is not as much of a SMs support group as you'd think...you really want to know what your legal right are...GO TO YOUR STATE'S FAMILY LAW website and read it for yourself. You may be surprised, I was. My state does give a few right "just because I am married". And there are federal ones too...FERPA for example on education. Based on the custody split. SPs married to the custodial parent do get rights, federal law...schools know it. BMs here will tell you you shouldn't have it...oh we'll, shoulda, coulda, woulda, take it up in DC, already law...do don' come here for this advice...these BMs will just try to make you feel like a shadow in a closest to their kids. As for being their for YOUR husband...live YOUR life with YOUR family. You are in it for your SO, not to be a sister wife with an ex. Let the demons GO. Give up any illusion of positive contact and settle for no contact. Let your man deal with his ex, his JOB is to protect you from her. Your role is to support your SO, his kid who you love, just be there, cheerlead for the both of them. Handle what you want to in your house, that's it. Sounds like you or lucky with BM#1, enjoy that.

Step-parents are legal strangers to their step-children.  The only rights they have are what their spouse gives them during their time with the child.  I'm sorry if you don't feel this is supportive, but IMO it's better to tell people the truth rather than what they want to hear. 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:19 AM
1 mom liked this

It doesn't sound as if you'll have much trouble with the older one. 

With regard to the younger one, don't try to be BFFs or communicate with the BM.  Your SO can deal with her regarding his son.  She doesn't want you as part of the kid's life, so although she can't dictate that, she can try to make things as miserable as possible.  How successful she is depends a lot on you.  You can fight with her, trying to make yourself heard and fueling the "competition".  Or you can just decide she's not part of your life, and ignore her from here on out.  Your involvement with your SS is between you and your SO, but you might think twice when BM will be present.  If both of you are trying to "out mom" each other - or her in particular - it will only cause stress to your SS.  Back of for his sake under those circumstances.

grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:22 AM


Quoting Refurbished:

If she doesn't want you volunteering at her child's school, you shouldn't do it.  She isn't "crazy" for being angry over it.  She's expressing that she doesn't like having another woman step into her role as mother of her child.  If that's how she feels, you will never be able to force her to feel any different, and it will only cause a lot of grief for the child if you try. 

Regarding #2:  You don't have rights to this child.  Even when you get married, you will have no legal rights whatsoever. 

The best thing you can do is be a support to your husband.  Make sure that the children are happy and their needs are met while they are in your home, but ultimately you need to allow your DH to coparent with his children's mothers. 

If you have no rights to the child why should you give a dam about the needs. When you marry a man you do step into the life of that child. If you and your husband are working as a team then make the relationship between the two of you and let him worry about the outside woman. Sopport him and that is what your role will be. If the other woman reaches out to you then thats great you can all co-parent. If the other woman doesn't reach out to you, then co-parent with your husband. Stay out of the middle of the baby mama drama if you could.

If you want to volunteer at your stepp-childs school go ahead. It's a free country know one has the right to tell you where you can volunteer. I think adults in this situation need to grow the hell up. It is about the child period.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:24 AM

I am also a jersey girl, by the way. Central NJ.

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