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As a BM on this board...what drives you crazy to see an SM post? And as an SM how about BM posts that ruffle your feathers?

This post might be feeding the drama llama but it will only be an interesting topic if you're honest!
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by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 7:41 PM
Replies (31-40):
AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:47 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting packermomof2:

After that, and in no particular order: "I love them like my own", "

I absolutely HATE the SMs who say they love them like their own, but as soon as the child is disrespectful (like all teenagers are) or prefers mom to SM, the SM turns her back on the kid and wants nothing more to do with him.

Those SMs are nothing more than posers. And posers suck.

I think I threw up in my mouth a little

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:50 PM

equal caregiver? not following. what is an equal caregiver? 

Is there a particular issue you are having in your own steplife that you want to discuss? It's hard to speak in general terms because the various situations are so different.

Quoting runinpinkshoes:

I agree with proudmommyjess, and to answer your question, whatIknownow, by equal adult, I meant equal caregiver or something along those lines. I don't expect the kind of unconditional love that is automatically granted to a bio parent. I know gaining my SKs trust and closeness is something I will always need to strive for and never be able to take for granted. And I know it will never come close to what they feel for their real mom. But I feel confident that my presence does not take away from, nor in any way diminish, what they feel for their mom. 

My ideal situation would simply be that, in a scenario where I am caring for the kids, making them dinner, taking them to school, and spending time with them, that I would be acknowledged as a member of the family, and not just a visiting friend.

I don't know anyone who would say that being a SM is an ideal situation. I would love it if I had my own kids, and had the comfort that comes along with that kind of bond. But I don't, so I am just trying to make the best of the situation and fit in as well as I can in a family that existed long before I came into the picture.


runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm curious, are you actually a step mom? Equal caregiver is someone that provides all of the things a bio parent would, but without expecting the unconditional love a bio parent would get. 

Or the rights.

packermomof2
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:59 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

I'm curious, are you actually a step mom? Equal caregiver is someone that provides all of the things a bio parent would, but without expecting the unconditional love a bio parent would get. 

Or the rights.

You can't be equal to the parents, but if you want to be a comparable caregiver to other people's kids you could also be a daycare provider.

She's a full time SM.  I'm just a mom who wouldn't ever dream of being a SM and made sure not be one by only dating childless men.  I'm here because I can be (before anyone asks)

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:02 PM
17 moms liked this

THIS reply of WIKNs is a perfect example.  

A stepmom is not a family friend.  A stepmom is a relative by marriage.  a RELATIVE.  not a family friend.

The idea that SMs should remain so distanced, neever to be more than a "family friend", and intruder, someone who should sit on the outskirts.....its one of the most insecure, disturbingly alienating things seen here on a regular basis.  

 

Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


But at the same time, I would love to be included in family activities, to feel welcomed as a part of the family, and to be acknowledged as an equal member that cares about the kids and wants to be involved in their daily life, at least when they're at our house. I feel like the fact that I am not biologically related shouldn't be a hindrance in that. 

of course not, you can be like a family friend. Growing up, my mom had a family friend who was included in a lot of our activities. A SM can be like that.

I am not sure what "equal member" means, since it typically takes several years for a stepparent to really become incorporated into a family, and even then they may not be 'equal" in every way. but, having realistic expectations will make your life much easier. 


sunshinedaisy75
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:17 PM
1 mom liked this
I would never say I love my SKs like my own, I'd only be kidding myself and no one else



Quoting AmyB118:




Quoting whatIknownow:




Quoting packermomof2:

After that, and in no particular order: "I love them like my own", "

I absolutely HATE the SMs who say they love them like their own, but as soon as the child is disrespectful (like all teenagers are) or prefers mom to SM, the SM turns her back on the kid and wants nothing more to do with him.

Those SMs are nothing more than posers. And posers suck.

I think I threw up in my mouth a little



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CFSTBSM27
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:21 PM
1 mom liked this
Well children should also be respectful "there just kids" excuse can only go so far imo


Quoting CKuse:

I get really irritated when I see either childless SMs or women who only have younger children complain about their step kids for doing normal kid things. Kids stink, kids yell, kids lie occasionally to learn their boundaries, kids test their parents, they are just children! Ugh!

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Refurbished
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:22 PM

It's also what will keep the peace.  Sure, a SM is not an "intruder" or a "friend."  But a lot of divorce conflict stems from a SM stepping into BMs role.  Minimize that conflict, and you will have a happier relationship with the kids. 


Quoting luckystars2012:


THIS reply of WIKNs is a perfect example.  

A stepmom is not a family friend.  A stepmom is a relative by marriage.  a RELATIVE.  not a family friend.

The idea that SMs should remain so distanced, neever to be more than a "family friend", and intruder, someone who should sit on the outskirts.....its one of the most insecure, disturbingly alienating things seen here on a regular basis.  

 

Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


But at the same time, I would love to be included in family activities, to feel welcomed as a part of the family, and to be acknowledged as an equal member that cares about the kids and wants to be involved in their daily life, at least when they're at our house. I feel like the fact that I am not biologically related shouldn't be a hindrance in that. 

of course not, you can be like a family friend. Growing up, my mom had a family friend who was included in a lot of our activities. A SM can be like that.

I am not sure what "equal member" means, since it typically takes several years for a stepparent to really become incorporated into a family, and even then they may not be 'equal" in every way. but, having realistic expectations will make your life much easier. 



AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Sure, SM is a relative by marriage...not one the SKs chose nor one that was born into their family like a sibling....

Why does a SM allowing BPs to do the heavy lifting and PARENTING w/o SM intrusion seem so distasteful to you? Just bc the BPs in YOUR sitch are incapable doesn't mean they are in every sitch.  While I don't like BM, she's a capable BM and it's her job to raise her children.  My remaining OUT of the parenting picture is one of the best decisions I've ever made.  DH can parent his own kids.....along w/BM.  They made them, I wasn't there, it's not my responsibility.

I'm hardly insecure, and a lot of SMs would save themselves a world of grief and boo hooing if they took the simple advice of "Back The Fuck Off"

Quoting luckystars2012:

THIS reply of WIKNs is a perfect example.  

A stepmom is not a family friend.  A stepmom is a relative by marriage.  a RELATIVE.  not a family friend.

The idea that SMs should remain so distanced, neever to be more than a "family friend", and intruder, someone who should sit on the outskirts.....its one of the most insecure, disturbingly alienating things seen here on a regular basis.  

 

Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


But at the same time, I would love to be included in family activities, to feel welcomed as a part of the family, and to be acknowledged as an equal member that cares about the kids and wants to be involved in their daily life, at least when they're at our house. I feel like the fact that I am not biologically related shouldn't be a hindrance in that. 

of course not, you can be like a family friend. Growing up, my mom had a family friend who was included in a lot of our activities. A SM can be like that.

I am not sure what "equal member" means, since it typically takes several years for a stepparent to really become incorporated into a family, and even then they may not be 'equal" in every way. but, having realistic expectations will make your life much easier. 



sunshinedaisy75
by Bronze Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:26 PM
Mean to the SKs? I don't think I've ever seen an SM claim to be mean to her SKs because she hates her SKs mother.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I think the posts that bother me are the ones where the SM is mean to her stepkids. Usually she feels justified because she hates their mother. Those are the saddest ones.


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