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"You'd understand if you were a mom." **more of a vent**

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:31 PM
  • 26 Replies

Oh the countless times I heard this from BM. She mostly said it after my miscarriage, I assume to hurt me. But now that I have been a mom for 6 months I've been thinking about the different instances she used that phrase in and trying to picture how I would react.

I can understand a lot of her feelings when it came to SS and me. I completely agree with her on the "mom" title. I correct SS every time he slips and says it. He is 2, and he has only been calling me mom since DD was born. I think he gets confused because he hears his daddy say "Here, go to mommy" and stuff when talking to DD. He's young, we correct him and he will stop eventually. But I completely agree with her. I would flip a lid if DD called anyone else mom. I am like a huge momma bear over DD, I think because I did lose 3 children before I was blessed with DD. I know my husband's strengths and weaknesses as a parent. So should anything ever happen between DH and I and we divorced and he found a new woman, I have an idea of what his significant other would be doing for DD and my unborn baby. Unless he changed as a parent, you never know. It would make me uncomfortable to know that another woman would be around my children. I understand her feelings in those regards... 

BUT

I would NEVER pull the crap she does with DH and her other children's fathers. Yes, I understand she was hurt that her and DH broke up before SS was born. Yes, I understand she was hurt that he and I started dating a month later. I do understand that. DH and I have went through some shit I don't want to disclose all three times I've been pregnant by him. And two of those times I did discuss divorce with him. So I know feeling hurt while pregnant with his child. But I also know that he is my children's father. A father plays such a vital role in children's lives and I would never willingly push my children's father out of their life and hinder their ability to have a relationship with him. I would never downplay his role. 

BM has an older son as well... his father broke up with her when she was pregnant too. She kept the child's birth a secret from the father. She had him removed from the hospital when he found out the baby was born and tried to go up there. She kept him out of the child's life for 8 months until the paternity test was done and he had legal rights. Sounds so familiar becuase she pulled the same with DH when SS was born and kept him out of SS's life for the first 6 months.

I don't understand how she can think that is ok. DD LOVES her daddy... I would never keep her away from him. It would hurt to have her away from me half the time, really bad, but I have told DH that should anything ever occur, he gets 50/50 and there will be no child support order. I'm a stay at home mom and I am with DD all day every day. For 6 months I have only been away from her maybe a total of 24 hours after you add up all the time for my appointments. DH and I have only had people watch her so we could get a break once. I don't like her being out of my sight. We are extremely bonded... BUT I know her father's importance in her life. 

I just don't understand how mothers can downplay a fathers role... can make it so hard for the father to be a part of the child's life just because of the way things ended with them.

I understand being hurt.

But as a parent we are supposed to put our child first.

Now when BM talks to me about her feelings regarding DH and SS I have more "credibility" in her eyes because I am a mom to a living baby. Just a little bit. But that is better than the "You'd understand if you were a mom" or "You would understand if your children were alive". 

I am a mom. And I still don't understand.

This is more of a vent than anything... 

by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:49 PM

Congratulations on the baby.

I would counsel against making broad statements about "what you would do if" with such confidence.  Now that you have a child, you have some understanding of the mom word you may not have before.  There are lots of those epiphanies you will have.  I always "knew" I would never be " that kind of mom" before I was faced with situations.  And then I became "that kind of mom".

 I encourage you to not assume you would not do the same thing with your DH.  Maybe you won't because you have experienced the other side.  But lots of irrational feelings appear when divorce happens.  What if had an affair?  What if he got another woman pregnant?  What if he left you tonight and emptied out the bank account?  There are a lot of what ifs that would change everything.

Be open to the awarenesses you have now that you are a mom and carry them through to other parts of your life.


CKuse
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:53 PM

Like I said, my DH and I have recently went through some issues. I have been completely and utterly disgusted with him as a person, and been so furious I had my stuff packed, I have lashed out at him. BUT even in that blind rage, I never once thought of keeping DD from him to "get him back". Even when I was still swimming in that anger at him, and we were discussing the divorce, THAT is when I said something about 50/50 with no child support order. There is nothing he could do to ME to make me keep DD or the baby I am carrying away from him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Congratulations on the baby.

I would counsel against making broad statements about "what you would do if" with such confidence.  Now that you have a child, you have some understanding of the mom word you may not have before.  There are lots of those epiphanies you will have.  I always "knew" I would never be " that kind of mom" before I was faced with situations.  And then I became "that kind of mom".

 I encourage you to not assume you would not do the same thing with your DH.  Maybe you won't because you have experienced the other side.  But lots of irrational feelings appear when divorce happens.  What if had an affair?  What if he got another woman pregnant?  What if he left you tonight and emptied out the bank account?  There are a lot of what ifs that would change everything.

Be open to the awarenesses you have now that you are a mom and carry them through to other parts of your life.



DDDaysh
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:55 PM

 It's easy to say alot of things when you're not in the situation.  When I was with my ex, I couldn't understand why his ex would ever have taken his daughter from him.  He talked such a good game. 

Even when DS was an infant, I thought most of the times he messed up were "innocent" and that he just had to learn what was really needed to be dependable for a baby.  He seemed to love the kids so much. 

But eventually it all broke down.  When he left, I had to ask for supervised only visitation, and it was granted.  I didn't do this because I didn't want him in my son's life.  I wanted my son to have a father very VERY badly.  My ex, unfortunately, had proved he wasn't stable enough to be left alone with DS.  DS's safety was more important than being fair to my ex. 

I was stupid in some ways though.  I didn't fight for things like sole legal custody.  As the years have passed by, I've been shown that my concern for DS's safety was valid and my attempts to be "fair" and worry about my ex's feelings were stupid and miguided.  The thing that hurts more than anything is knowing how much I loved and had faith in a man who could hurt my child so badly. 

 

CKuse
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Yeah I could understand if he was a threat to your child's safety. But I was venting about my sitch. And DH was good enough to watch her 2 older children alone for full weekends at a time while she went out and stayed with friends, but he wasn't good enough to be a part of his own child's life without a court order? In DH's situation and my situation with him... there was no reason for BM to keep SS from DH. DH was not a threat to him. It was purely her frustration at DH and her way to "get him back."


Quoting DDDaysh:

 It's easy to say alot of things when you're not in the situation.  When I was with my ex, I couldn't understand why his ex would ever have taken his daughter from him.  He talked such a good game. 

Even when DS was an infant, I thought most of the times he messed up were "innocent" and that he just had to learn what was really needed to be dependable for a baby.  He seemed to love the kids so much. 

But eventually it all broke down.  When he left, I had to ask for supervised only visitation, and it was granted.  I didn't do this because I didn't want him in my son's life.  I wanted my son to have a father very VERY badly.  My ex, unfortunately, had proved he wasn't stable enough to be left alone with DS.  DS's safety was more important than being fair to my ex. 

I was stupid in some ways though.  I didn't fight for things like sole legal custody.  As the years have passed by, I've been shown that my concern for DS's safety was valid and my attempts to be "fair" and worry about my ex's feelings were stupid and miguided.  The thing that hurts more than anything is knowing how much I loved and had faith in a man who could hurt my child so badly. 

 


CKuse
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:23 PM

I appreciate your reply though. And I saw your reply in the same regard in the spinoff post. I agree to that last response, it would be hard to guess what kind of parent I will be to her when she is a teenager. I will grow and evolve as a parent as the years go on I'm sure. But I can, with 100%positivity, say how I would be with DH when it comes to not making it difficult for him to see DD. I can't say I wouldn't argue with him, or be the bitchy BM to any future women he had. Because I did say I can see where she would feel the way she does about me. But I do know how I would be when it came to him and the children. I wouldn't ever keep them away because of anything he did to me. 

Quoting pdxmum:

Congratulations on the baby.

I would counsel against making broad statements about "what you would do if" with such confidence.  Now that you have a child, you have some understanding of the mom word you may not have before.  There are lots of those epiphanies you will have.  I always "knew" I would never be " that kind of mom" before I was faced with situations.  And then I became "that kind of mom".

 I encourage you to not assume you would not do the same thing with your DH.  Maybe you won't because you have experienced the other side.  But lots of irrational feelings appear when divorce happens.  What if had an affair?  What if he got another woman pregnant?  What if he left you tonight and emptied out the bank account?  There are a lot of what ifs that would change everything.

Be open to the awarenesses you have now that you are a mom and carry them through to other parts of your life.



soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:24 PM
I think its easy to say what you would do when you dont have to. I think if tomorrow you were told you had to let that baby go to be "raised" by your dh and another woman 50 percent of the time no matter how noble you would want to be it would.come as easy as you think. I think in an unmarried situation there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you bm did honestly. In the eyes of the law your dh was not the father untilna paternity test was done.
CKuse
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:30 PM

In the eyes of the law, sure, whatever.. but morally? Using a child to get back at someone isn't very motherly.

I already said I would hate another woman being around my babies in that situation. But it wouldn't make me keep them away from their dad. I would definitely make very clear what boundaries I expected from the SM and would trust him to enforce them. It wouldn't be easy. I know that. But I respect him as my children's father and wouldn't risk damaging their bond. 

Quoting soonergirl980:

I think its easy to say what you would do when you dont have to. I think if tomorrow you were told you had to let that baby go to be "raised" by your dh and another woman 50 percent of the time no matter how noble you would want to be it would.come as easy as you think. I think in an unmarried situation there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you bm did honestly. In the eyes of the law your dh was not the father untilna paternity test was done.


soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:35 PM
Quoting CKuse:




Morally i dont think she did anything wrong. I think its morally wrong to get into a relationship while you have someone else pregnant but we all have our own ideas of what is right. He was not the father until a paternity test was done she wasnt keeping the father away she was protecting herself and her child.
bellaamore
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:40 PM

You mnow, i think that bm goes a little far with dh and ss... Always has, and there are thiings that she has done that will never make sense to me.


But, now that i am a mother, i can see how she could justify some of the things i never understood before. 

CKuse
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:48 PM
Ummmm he was the father as soon as his sperm met her egg. He didn't ask for a paternity test he just admitted SS was his and filed to establish legal paternity. He's the one who pursued everything and that is why the courts have always looked favorably on him because he has always fought to be involved with his child.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Quoting CKuse:






Morally i dont think she did anything wrong. I think its morally wrong to get into a relationship while you have someone else pregnant but we all have our own ideas of what is right. He was not the father until a paternity test was done she wasnt keeping the father away she was protecting herself and her child.
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