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Loving skid like your own....

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Belittles the bond between a mother and child. In my opinion.

Is it just me? I don't think I could ever love a child like I love my own....does that make me a bad step mom :/
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by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:59 AM
Replies (31-34):
by Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:31 PM

 The way you feel is the way you feel. No one can say it is wrong. As long as youre not being a big meanie to your skids. You don't have to love them at all. You can just care for them and be kind. But if you do love them like your own, I don't think it belittles the bond between a mother and a child. I think the child is lucky to be loved so much by so many people. As long as the sm isn't pushing the mom out of the kids life and trying to take over


by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:35 PM
I love SD but I don't have any bio kids to compare her to. Even with that being said, I'm pretty certain that I love her differently than I would a biokid. I know that DH loves her in this encompassing, all consuming sort of way. Say the one weekend in like three months when BM actually takes SD, DH is bummed and sad and misses her whereas I'm like "Woohooo, a couples weekend!" Don't get me wrong, I enjoy her company but I also really enjoy kid-free time too.

Oh, and the kind of love DH has for his kid makes it way easier for him to forgive and let go of the fact that like 10% of the time, SD can be a real punk.
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by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:29 PM
That, IMO, is falling in love with a fantasy. There's the idea of the child, the bond, and that ready-made family. Then there's the reality. She doesn't see the kid often enough to be grasp the reality that she cannot mother him as one of her own, have him act as one of her own, cure any (real or perceived) BM baggage, and have that perfect nuclear family. The fantasy rarely accounts for BM or the child's need for its mother.

Quoting feliciasmith:

I saw that! And that is exactly what I meant by diminishing the REAL bond between a child and parent.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I'm bumping this, because there is another active post by a OP who has seen her boyfriend's son 3 times, twice when he was 11 months old, and once a year after that. All day visits. He is now 3.5yo. And she says she loves him like her own kids. She has had no other contact with the child (neither has her boyfriend).

THIS is an example of what I meant when I said sometimes I just don't believe it.

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by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:46 PM

Our situation is a bit crazy. SD and BM never bonded when SD was little. BM left before SD was released from the NICU after she was born and wasn't around until after DH and I were married. About a month after DH and I were married DH let BM take SD for a day visit (before then there was no CO) and BM moved over 300 miles away with SD.

Once a CO was established DH was awarded 50/50 custody until SD started school. For about 7 years DH had EOWD during the school year and 8 weeks during the summer. Since June, DH has had custody and BM has given up a majority of her visitation. Even when SD lived with BM she was rarely with BM, seeing her maybe an hour or two here and there. We suspect that for a few years BM left SD with BM's mom while BM lived with friends, but we have no proof other than SD talking about how she never saw BM and BM didn't sleep at Grandma's.

Anyways, to be honest, I think BM did her own damage and belittling to her relationship with SD. She put everyone else ahead of SD and ignored and neglected SD. My loving SD has nothing to do with her relationship with BM. Why can't both of us love her the same? Would my love for SD be any different if I were to adopt her? How in the world would something like that change my love for her?

 I love SD as much as I love my other 3 children. I do just as much for SD, even more at times. If BM has a problem with our relationship, then she can use that as excuse to step up and be the mom this little girl needs; rather than manipulating a special needs little girl and guilting her into love.

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