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Blame

Posted by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 12:53 PM
  • 89 Replies

When my daughter started kindgergarten we were about done with the custody battle.  The custody evaluator was finishing up his interviews during that time.  We got the report a couple of weeks after the hearing where my ex got nothing that he wanted.  My guess is, now after reading this and other SP'ing boards plus that report, it was because everything was my fault in his and his family's eyes, much like in various SP'ing posts mom is to blame.

A few examples I've seen of mom being blamed that mirrored something in my life are when a kid calls SM or dad a name.  In my case it was "butthead".  I didnt know my kid had done that and my ex's sister said in the report that she just knew my son got it from me, that I had said it.  No... I didn't.  I had been trying to break my kid of it since hearing his sister say it after she picked it up at school.

I never give my ex "extra time".  Well, yeah, I did.  When I didn't have plans.  During the custody evaluation he was given 3 weekends to my one and every Wed.  The lawyers did say we needed to work with each other on extra time, but during that time he was requesting every single one of my weekends and I finally started saying no.  But it was in interview that I didn't give extra time.  I had also given him every weekend before the custody evaluation that he had asked for unless there was something going on (rarely there was).  They just saw that I didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted every time so I wasn't cooperating.

Because I didn't allow his parents, who hated me and slammed doors in my face when I was nice enough to allow them to see the kids when it wasn't ex's time at pick up time and who argued with me about the time frame (a few hours isn't enough apparently) to be my constant daycare when I had to work I was causing problems with his extended family.  So he tried to have it CO'd that I only use them.  It didn't work. I wasn't trying to cause issues, there were already issues that they weren't being honest about during the whole thing... they weren't helping but were expectng me to roll over. 

My kids were coming home filthy.  No baths, clothes stained (my kids are prone to nose bleeds and that would be on their clothes all weekend).  If my kid had a potty training accident the clothes were just balled up and stuck in a plastic bag and given back to me witout being washed. (the only time my son was ever in clean clothes until he got older after a weekend was if there was an accident).  You betcha I said something.  They tried to say I was being nitpicky and needed to mind my own business.

And finally... I was accused of abuse.  My daughter had a black eye from her grabbing on to her father and he jerked away and she fell and hit her head.  It was said they thought I gave her the black eye.  They said they saw me spank my 2 year old (I didn't, I didn't think it worked on 2 year olds, but his sister did witness him smack the kid so hard during potty training that welts appeared and she couldn't walk for half an hour and that was left out of the report). 

So, what is my point?  It seems that all over the internet there are horrible stories of what mom does, how she sucks, why she isn't a good mom, why dad should have custody, how mom is the only one contributing to the issues, and how the courts are just biased when it comes to custody. 

How many dads/SMs (not the ones who have custody here) were incredibly one sided and blame mom for everything and that is why custody went to mom...because it appears that dad can't help but point fingers instead of admitting he's at least partly to blame and is willing to change and work with mom from here on out? 

How many look for anything they can to try to use against mom, say if it wasn't for mom the kid wouldn't say  or do what they do instead of realizing kids pick things up from others as well as mom? 

How many take moms reactions to something dad/SM does and try to make it out like mom is a few fries short of a happy mean instead of looking at their own actions?

I know not ALL do this, but I got bored and did a search on stepmom boards and the complaints are always the same and there aren't many who come out and admit they they or their husband play a part in the dysfunction they are whining about.

by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 12:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LittleMama2012
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:02 PM
Dh and SD have joint physical and legal custody
The Tims is split 50/50. In my eyes, and I have told him this, his contribution to the drama we have with SD is not standing up to bm, her mama, his mama, and his step mom from the beginning. He knew they treated her like a little princess. He knew that they let her get away with everything. When they said he didn't need to try to get At least joint custody, he listened. He waited until she turned 5. So now we have a total spoiled brat on our hands. And everyone is slowly realizing what has happened.

My contribution is communicating for them. I never should have let bm call me instead of him. I did it because it was easier for her to talk to me than him. I was wrong to tell them to take her to counseling and do this and do that because they didn't know what to do. When she became violent and the Dr. Said commit her, they turned on me.

So now I don't communicate. I changed my number. I don't give advice. They are learning to coparent. And are going through hell.
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chanizen
by Platinum Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:19 PM
I think there is a lot of this that goes on. It is a struggle for control. My ex and I have a really good relationship. I like him. We just Sucked as a married couple.

But it can still be easy to criticize. He wants to take dd for he weekend. She wants to go to a sleep over birthday. He could get upset. But he wanted ME to explain why HE wasn't willing to pick her up the next day. I didn't schedule the party. It was her friend's. I wasn't seeing her that night, she was at a sleep over. But he didn't want to explain it to her.

Now, this was early on and we were still coming to a kind of peace and flexibility which we currently enjoy.

He could have been a jerk about it. I didn't have to offer a different night to him.

Dd came home once with a major case of strep. I could have bitched him out. His brother's dog bit dd. I could have accused him.

He could play games with cs (he doesn't). He could accuse me (dd has awesome soccer bruises sometimes). Dd can be fresh to dh. And to my ex's sister. We could encourage her

All of these things are choices. All can be viewed differently given a new set of eyes.

Idk, I like my ex. There was a reason I married him. He is a good guy. We aren't really compatible. So we divorced. I seriously hope when he does settle down, it is with someone who gets all that. Instead of starting a stupid war out of her own insecurity or arrogance.
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sidelinesally
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:24 PM
8 moms liked this

I think if you were to go to BM boards instead of SM boards, you may see an entirely different story. People post what is relevant to them from their own, and inherently biased, perspective.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:25 PM
I think your going to get that on a stepmom board because this is where we come to vent and then go back to our real life of being a good stepmom and trying to not to rustle any feathers. My BM IMO isn't horrible and I don't agree with what your ex and sm did.

If skids had a name for me,I wouldn't blame BM,I'd think they did it and it would be fine. I mean I don't see why BM would tell them my aka name. Nobody knows mine expect for my Dh.

Our story isn't different.(as in rare) I think I really stay out of the picture or try. I think BM brings me back. She's the one that likes to leave them with me. I wish she'd take them! Lol.

Your stitch was they were trying to put all the blame on you. They should have never done that. Now they are missing out on your kids. Their loss.
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packermomof2
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:29 PM


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I think yyr getting to get that on a stepmom board because this is where we come to vent and then go backslash to our real life of being a good stepmom and trying to not to rustle any feathers. My BM IMO isn't horrible and I don't agree with what your ex and sm did.

It is NOT just this board, I said that.  Different boards, same stories, different people.  Mom did this, mom does that, my husband rocks and is awesome.  He can do no wrong or little wrong... I was pointing out that my situation mirrors the stories that a lot tell, *I* am THAT mom that is disparaged on message boards... and my ex lost a lot because nothing was his fault.  Ever.  It was all my fault.  I don't think that a lot of people understand that when you only blame the OP AND you don't have the custody arrangement you think is "fair" it's probably because someone saw through the crap ...
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:30 PM
We don't do the blame game much. I mean the tardies do get blamed on BM because its only on her time the skids get them. Same goes for homework.

BM used me as a babysitter. Still does in a way. I hate it honestly. So ya,I blame her on HERE. I think she can work on her parenting skills and I think she needs to provide for her kids. Dh is week on and off.

The dirty clothes thing happens here also but it was from BMs home to ours. She still comes on her days so they can get ready here now so I guess it still goes on. Lol.

I'd like you as a bio mom in a way packer. You'd get your shit done. If dad wasn't home you'd come get my skids. You'd handle your week and leave us alone and we'd leave you alone. In a good way.

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LittleMama2012
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:30 PM
1 mom liked this
As an afterthought, it most situations,in life, it is easier to blame than to admit your own faults. If everyone realized that usually a bad situation is the result of how all parties were involved and how they could have did, said, or reacted differently there wouldn't be so much drama. Life just doesn't work that way. Everyone doesn't always agree nor admit their faults.
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Troubleswife
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:35 PM
3 moms liked this
I think custody battles are ugly and when people are protecting something important to them when they are angry it is a recipe for more ugliness.

I haven't seen a custody battle where both sides weren't throwing mud at each other; some are aggressive and some passive aggressive but there is still mud slinging.
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sidelinesally
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:38 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I think yyr getting to get that on a stepmom board because this is where we come to vent and then go backslash to our real life of being a good stepmom and trying to not to rustle any feathers. My BM IMO isn't horrible and I don't agree with what your ex and sm did.

It is NOT just this board, I said that.  Different boards, same stories, different people.  Mom did this, mom does that, my husband rocks and is awesome.  He can do no wrong or little wrong... I was pointing out that my situation mirrors the stories that a lot tell, *I* am THAT mom that is disparaged on message boards... and my ex lost a lot because nothing was his fault.  Ever.  It was all my fault.  I don't think that a lot of people understand that when you only blame the OP AND you don't have the custody arrangement you think is "fair" it's probably because someone saw through the crap ...

It's not just THIS board. You said you did your research on STEPMOM boards. The point being that the* results of your research are going to be skewed. If you did them on BM boards, you would probably hear from people with a more similar perspective to yours. 

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Oh I agree. I do see that dad can do no wrong but also that BM can do no wrong. I think sidelines ally said it best. That we see it through what we are going through.

I agree. No one in real life wants to blame themselves or their Dh's. of course not.

I do blame myself when needed because if I don't see my own faults or my Dh's then I'm gonna live a very fucked up life. Because I will never grow and think all blame is on other people.

My mil is like this. She blames my Dh for everything. Never seeing it is her also that does shit. She's what your ex is. She can never say its her. She doesn't see how wrong she is. She blames even me!(what do I got to do with it!?) if she is mad at my Dh.

I think a lot of people aren't there in life yet. I just happen to have some pretty rad parents that told me to never blame one person for stuff. :)

I do see your point. I'm sure I've done stuff also. But I'm the stepmom. In my stitch its easier to blame me. Again,true texts from BM "why doesn't Sophia take my sons to blank? " what's wrong with her?? She should do it for you kids! Ect...

So I do get that the blame game sucks. I just happen to be the person to put all blame on. Lol. It sucks. So I get it.

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