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When my daughter started kindgergarten we were about done with the custody battle.  The custody evaluator was finishing up his interviews during that time.  We got the report a couple of weeks after the hearing where my ex got nothing that he wanted.  My guess is, now after reading this and other SP'ing boards plus that report, it was because everything was my fault in his and his family's eyes, much like in various SP'ing posts mom is to blame.

A few examples I've seen of mom being blamed that mirrored something in my life are when a kid calls SM or dad a name.  In my case it was "butthead".  I didnt know my kid had done that and my ex's sister said in the report that she just knew my son got it from me, that I had said it.  No... I didn't.  I had been trying to break my kid of it since hearing his sister say it after she picked it up at school.

I never give my ex "extra time".  Well, yeah, I did.  When I didn't have plans.  During the custody evaluation he was given 3 weekends to my one and every Wed.  The lawyers did say we needed to work with each other on extra time, but during that time he was requesting every single one of my weekends and I finally started saying no.  But it was in interview that I didn't give extra time.  I had also given him every weekend before the custody evaluation that he had asked for unless there was something going on (rarely there was).  They just saw that I didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted every time so I wasn't cooperating.

Because I didn't allow his parents, who hated me and slammed doors in my face when I was nice enough to allow them to see the kids when it wasn't ex's time at pick up time and who argued with me about the time frame (a few hours isn't enough apparently) to be my constant daycare when I had to work I was causing problems with his extended family.  So he tried to have it CO'd that I only use them.  It didn't work. I wasn't trying to cause issues, there were already issues that they weren't being honest about during the whole thing... they weren't helping but were expectng me to roll over. 

My kids were coming home filthy.  No baths, clothes stained (my kids are prone to nose bleeds and that would be on their clothes all weekend).  If my kid had a potty training accident the clothes were just balled up and stuck in a plastic bag and given back to me witout being washed. (the only time my son was ever in clean clothes until he got older after a weekend was if there was an accident).  You betcha I said something.  They tried to say I was being nitpicky and needed to mind my own business.

And finally... I was accused of abuse.  My daughter had a black eye from her grabbing on to her father and he jerked away and she fell and hit her head.  It was said they thought I gave her the black eye.  They said they saw me spank my 2 year old (I didn't, I didn't think it worked on 2 year olds, but his sister did witness him smack the kid so hard during potty training that welts appeared and she couldn't walk for half an hour and that was left out of the report). 

So, what is my point?  It seems that all over the internet there are horrible stories of what mom does, how she sucks, why she isn't a good mom, why dad should have custody, how mom is the only one contributing to the issues, and how the courts are just biased when it comes to custody. 

How many dads/SMs (not the ones who have custody here) were incredibly one sided and blame mom for everything and that is why custody went to mom...because it appears that dad can't help but point fingers instead of admitting he's at least partly to blame and is willing to change and work with mom from here on out? 

How many look for anything they can to try to use against mom, say if it wasn't for mom the kid wouldn't say  or do what they do instead of realizing kids pick things up from others as well as mom? 

How many take moms reactions to something dad/SM does and try to make it out like mom is a few fries short of a happy mean instead of looking at their own actions?

I know not ALL do this, but I got bored and did a search on stepmom boards and the complaints are always the same and there aren't many who come out and admit they they or their husband play a part in the dysfunction they are whining about.

by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 12:53 PM
Replies (81-89):
Pero1
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:48 AM


Quoting leegirl_jm:

 It is a fact that SM gets to determine her personal involvement, she is an independent adult even if married. Is it the same SM, are uninvolved SMs the ones wanting to take the stepkids to the doctor or PTC? 

SM married a man, that marriage has nothing to do with BM, it is BM's choice if she chooses to make her Ex's marriage her issue, I didn't think you did. My husband left BM, so when we entered into each other's life by our mutual decision, a responsible person can have children with an Ex and be married to their wife at the same time. Now who do you blame for having an irresponsible Ex, my husband holds himself responsible for his, thankfully.

Involvement in the marriage ... yes, certainly! In the raising of somebody else's child? I don't think it is that clear-cut!

In my case, SM married the man BF told her he was, with circumstances the way BF told her they were. In order to make this fictional character come true, my support would have been required. My contributions (financial, timewise) would have had to be raised to ensure he has more of both at his disposition. My life would have had to be changed 100% in order to allow BF/SM to live the way they had envisaged. It would have included taking into account SM's ex (who travels a lot) and his new family.

I obviously didn't do neither of it ... I didn't allow SM's involvement in three key areas of DD's upbringing (my "hills"), I didn't  cover for his failures, and I didn't take into account their new circumstances.

Yet *I* ruined SM's life! She didn't ruin it by sleeping with a man in a relationship, she didn't ruin it by shacking up with somebody who had a history of financial problems and fidelity issues ... I did! The problem isn't even finding somebody to blame for my irresponsible ex ... the problem is that (the way SM sees it) I've turned the ex into an inadequate husband for her!

Pero1
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:57 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

No,if you and your ex had it covered,SM shouldn't have rolled with that.

Her crazy ass made it seem like you had to fit in and that's a recipe for disaster. She should stay home let you guys Do what you were doing all along.

She has a loose screw. Lol. I get your point though. That's totally wrong and should not happen I think. Ptc,dr. if BM is not fine with it.

Okay, Steamed, you kind of like me, and I like you (as much as you can "like" a stranger on a forum). Which is why you believe me, and why I believe you!

If SM was moderately literate, she might be posting on this very forum. She'd probably tell everybody what an obstructive bitch I am, that she had to step in because she loves my DD just like she loves her own, that my kid was only fed dinner at 7.30 pm at my house (true, welcome to the world of a working mom), that my kid came to her house in smelly clothes (true, that's what happens when you spend 10 hours mucking out horses) etc. etc. etc.

She might mention BF's mental issues (obviously brought on by me), and she would obviously state that we were never married (true, because - contrary to her - I didn't allow him to ruin me completely). Most definitely was she NOT the OW, our relationship was done long before she came into his life (not telling me about the end of our relationship was merely an oversight ... or maybe a result of the emotional abuse he had to endure for years).

And she'd find PLENTY of support on here.

So there you go ... there is always two sides ... even to blame.

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:40 PM

That's why we SM's come on here is to relate to other SM's. Well it is in my case. Do I vent on here about BM? Yes, I do. Because there are other SM's out there who might have went through something similar... as I am sure that most SM board's are similar to this one.

DH and BM didn't get along at all through their last year of marriage, so their divorce was even worse! BM drug SD in every aspect she could to hold over DH's head to try to get her way (it didn't work and courts really frown upon that kind of thing). It was ugly from BOTH sides from the beginning. DH did blame BM for what she was doing or not doing with SD. There were instances that the courts even blamed BM too. BM was so mad at DH for not backing down and letting BM control SD, that she tried all kinds of crap to get at him. DH kept fighting, he held his own in a good way, always putting SD first where BM did not. Courts eventually saw through BM's crap and saw that DH is an amazing father. But in the end, they BOTH won. They are now both coparenting SD and it's actually working out.

I just have a gut feeling that chaos is around the corner, ya know???? Hope I'm wrong!!!

Nature_girl
by Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:01 PM

 LEt me jsut say I think BM is a much better parent then dh. Not that dh isn't a loving father. I think bm is actually better the parenting part though. So I don't blame the bm in my case.

 

OregonMom80
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:57 PM

As far as blame, I define problem as "the person who is not following the agreement or CO and/or is violating the rights of the other parent on a continuous basis."  In DH's case, he was to blame for caving every time BM raised her voice and started crying and screaming at him.  He felt that keeping the peace, no matter the cost, was in the best interest of his child . . . to a point.  Then, BM finally pushed him too far and that was the end of it.  I think if he'd nipped it in the bud when it first started, things would not have gotten so out of hand.

If BM came on here, she'd tell you everything is DH's fault - and some of it used to be mine.  It's DH's fault she cheated on him because he didn't pay enough attention to her (she actually wrote this in a letter to DH's MOM during the divorce).  It's DH's fault he wouldn't forgive her and she had no job, so she *had* to stay with bf.  It's DH's fault they're always broke now because he got his CS lowered (clearly no fault lies with her bf who barely works & has 3 kids).  It's DH's fault that they fight.  Him offering to split winter break more equally than the CO in trade for days later, but refusing to give her an extra day since he had the day off & plans already, is him being a dick and uncooperative.  He gets zero credit for making the offer in the first place to try to work with her - just all the credit for being a jerk when he doesn't give her an extra day more and do what she wants.

At first it really bothered him.  The other day he finally realized that she has always repeatedly told him that she is the best mother, she does everything for her kids, and no matter how crazy her request, it is always "what is best for HER son" and that anytime he disagrees with her, he will always be wrong.  Even if he is following the CO and she isn't.  Even if he asks her to respond by a certain date because of his work vacation scheduling & she refuses, then gets angry when he won't do something AFTER that date because he can't - that whole pesky work thing.  He's the jerk, he's unfair, he's uncoopertive.  Unless, of course, he does everything she wants.

The fact that she refuses to see how her own behavior contributes to the problems is why they continue.  She will do something, DH will tell her he's happy to work with her, but not when she's screaming at him and ignoring him for days.  She keeps acting that way, doesn't get what she wants because of it, then turns around and does the same thing the next time.  It's like a kid who touches the hot stove, gets burned, then keeps touching the hot stove like maybe next time it won't burn them.  Sad.

PROGENITOR
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:42 AM


Quoting Pero1:


Quoting PROGENITOR:

So, I can see some SMs placing blame on BM becuase it is easier to accept than thinking it was their DH who had some of the blame....just as it is easier for a woman to blame the man when the marriage fails and she is left to take care of the kids. She, of course, has some blame somewhere in all of it, but it is much easier to point the finger. And it is easier to blame SM when she doesn't get to keep control of her ex, it must be because his new wife is messing it up.

I wasn't married to BF (my choice), but I guess that's not really that relevant in this respect.

Our relationship failed because BF cheated ... repeatedly. We could discuss now whether he cheated because he didn't get what he needed (I'd say no, because he cheated on his wife before me and his current wife), but that too is irrelevant. Some (including my own mother) might say I should have just turned a blind eye to his cheating, because "that's what men do" ... I wasn't willing to, so it's irrelevant as well! Let's just say we weren't compatible

BM's are told to separated the man (husband/partner) from the father, to view them as two different entities (e.g.  "being a bad husband/partner doesn't mean that he is a bad father"), and that's what I have done during and after my relationship ... hence the mutually agreed 50/50.

Post-separation, BF DID turn into a bad father .... no longer able to provide for DD (not talking about CS ... never received any ... I'm talking about providing for her when at his house, about paying his contribution to the school fees etc. etc. etc.), no longer willing to do his share of the tasks (doctors' appointments, dentist appointments etc. etc.), no longer supporting her from an educational point of view (homework not done during his time, not once, but to a point where the teachers intervened).

I don't know whose fault that was .... I'd say certainly his, combined with quite a hefty contribution from her. Funnily enough though, the two of them point the finger at ME! Yup, ME!

Because I didn't take into account that they now have three kids and not one (not my problem that he picked a woman with baggage), because I didn't cover for for him when he didn't have time (because his time got reduced due to the fact that he had to look after her two kids as well), because I was unwilling to change my way of raising DD (well, wasn't really MINE, it was the way BF and I had raised her for 6.5 years, mutually agreed) so that it would be more in line with SM's way, because I wasn't willing to view them as THE family (not part of DD's family, THE family) ... I got all that shit in writing, this isn't just me speculating.

Six years on, and I see clearer. As predicted in a long discussion with BF shortly before our separation, the relationship with SM was doomed from day 1, and it turned out that I was right with my assessment. But ... I make the perfect scapegoat! Their life would be perfect if it wasn't for me insisting that DD should continue attending private school (chosen by BF, by the way), if  would convince my family to buy DD less presents (because SM's family can't afford what my family can afford), if I gave up every Christmas Day so DD could celebrate with "her family" (BF/SM and her kids), if I would do all the heavy lifting without moaning, if I would let SM raise DD the way her two children were raised (obviously she is MOTY ... not sure why her older child chose to move in with her father abroad though) ... as SM once screamed at me "thank you for ruining my life".

Forgotten is the fact that SM and her kids come from completely different economic/linguistic/religious/class/racial/you name it backgrounds than BF (and thus DD), forgotten the fact that BF continues to chase any woman who isn't up the tree by the count of three, forgotten the fact that he is still struggling with mental issues ... I am to blame for all that.

I do blame SM in some respect ... I blame her for not doing what I'm asked to do ... seperate the father (to MY child, sorry hun) from the husband!

But going back, to the begining, your blame would be having a child in the circumstance you chose to have your daughter in to begin with. You chose to have a kid with a man you barely knew, getting pregnant without intention very early on (no committed long term relationship status). So, yeah, he sucks balls, and his wife does, too.....but you have blame as well. You had the choice to not have a child with him.

Pero1
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 3:52 AM


Quoting PROGENITOR:


 

But going back, to the begining, your blame would be having a child in the circumstance you chose to have your daughter in to begin with. You chose to have a kid with a man you barely knew, getting pregnant without intention very early on (no committed long term relationship status). So, yeah, he sucks balls, and his wife does, too.....but you have blame as well. You had the choice to not have a child with him.

Blame for giving birth to a wonderful little girl ... hey, I'm guilty as charged!

Blame comes along with responsibility ... the obligation to "fix" what you have screwed up in the first place. As far as her CoD status is concerned, DD is as close to a child from an intact family as you can possibly get! Because I accepted the responsibility to fix what I screwed up.

I had an email from BF last night .., he has decided to stop his 50/50 in the new year ... he'll be spending the majority of the time abroad (in SM's home country) and is therefore no longer in a position to "daddy". Contrary to my approach though, he'll not fix what he screwed up in the first place (he was my accomplice in crime) .... that task falls to me!

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 7:40 AM
It is very clear-cut in respect to raising the child as well, it isn't her child, she isn't responsible for raising said child. We don't need BM's support in how we decide to raise our family or run our home. BM doesn't affect the type of husband and father, DH is in our home, how can she?

Quoting Pero1:



Quoting leegirl_jm:

 It is a fact that SM gets to determine her personal involvement, she is an independent adult even if married. Is it the same SM, are uninvolved SMs the ones wanting to take the stepkids to the doctor or PTC? 

SM married a man, that marriage has nothing to do with BM, it is BM's choice if she chooses to make her Ex's marriage her issue, I didn't think you did. My husband left BM, so when we entered into each other's life by our mutual decision, a responsible person can have children with an Ex and be married to their wife at the same time. Now who do you blame for having an irresponsible Ex, my husband holds himself responsible for his, thankfully.

Involvement in the marriage ... yes, certainly! In the raising of somebody else's child? I don't think it is that clear-cut!

In my case, SM married the man BF told her he was, with circumstances the way BF told her they were. In order to make this fictional character come true, my support would have been required. My contributions (financial, timewise) would have had to be raised to ensure he has more of both at his disposition. My life would have had to be changed 100% in order to allow BF/SM to live the way they had envisaged. It would have included taking into account SM's ex (who travels a lot) and his new family.

I obviously didn't do neither of it ... I didn't allow SM's involvement in three key areas of DD's upbringing (my "hills"), I didn't  cover for his failures, and I didn't take into account their new circumstances.

Yet *I* ruined SM's life! She didn't ruin it by sleeping with a man in a relationship, she didn't ruin it by shacking up with somebody who had a history of financial problems and fidelity issues ... I did! The problem isn't even finding somebody to blame for my irresponsible ex ... the problem is that (the way SM sees it) I've turned the ex into an inadequate husband for her!

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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 7:44 AM
Oddly enough, BM in my situation chose to have her baby out of wedlock in a dying relationship ending relationship, she has 100% care and control of her child and yet she actually blames DH for her inability to adequately provide for her child and even to find a partner.
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