I have witnessed what granting power to hormonal, self interested, manipulative teens can do. DH lost his daughter because of it. He refuses to lose his boys.
A kid can choose visitation when they turn 18.
No more pick and choose. Unless bm is abusive or neglectful, they need to go. Bm and the kids need to come to terms with the fact that she hasn't been a great mom, they haven't been stellar kids. But they are still family. And it's time for all of them to deal. Counselling if necessary.
Don't teach kids to discard the other parents or mouth off when things are tough (not saying you do). Because when things get tough with YOU they will do the same.
Dd doesn't always want to go to bf's. I will never let her bad mouth him without consequence: he is her father and they must deal with each other.
Normal disclaimers apply. But I would stand firm: if you have no good reason to not go..... You go. Because at the end of the day, that is half of your lineage. You don't cut off loving resources because you don't like the sitch.
Sorry if disorganized...
You've gotten really great advice from everyone. If it were me, I'd also make them all go. I'd encourage them to tell their mother in a respectful way how they feel, but tell them that being mean to get their way will not be tolerated. These are life skills. The way children interact with their parents in large part define how they interact with the rest of the world. I would be concerned about them playing those same type of games in their marriages, with their coworkers because they learned as children that it got them what they wanted. They need to learn now how to deal with mom in a respectful way, not just for their relationship with her, but for their own ability to manage all relationships they will have in the future.
I don't think this is all that clear-cut ...
I'm not in favour of allowing a child to choose ... that said, it really depends on the circumstances (and this is where it becomes tricky). For example, DD's BF does have diagnosed mental issues, and DD is often struggling to come to terms with this. I strongly believe she has to learn to deal with his behaviour, because she will have to live with it for a very long time.
On the other hand ... should I ever notice that she has reached a stage where this truly affects her (we came close once or twice ... on one occasion he was kicking furniture, ranting and raving because somebody (not DD) had rung the doorbell) I'd give her a break. Same when he is on one of his suicidal trips ... what can a 12-year old say to "you'd all be so much better off without me, I think I should do everybody a favour and put an end to it"?
There is also a "teaching aspect" here ... for example, SD has been struggling with her BM for years. She is an adult now and has chosen not to have any further contact with her. Which is a shame, really. Unfortunately, BM was never "taught" not to treat SD the way she does. Had she been taught earlier (actions = consequences), then their relationship might be very different today.
That's hard.
DH's CO says visitation is optional so we don't have to worry about a situation like this. Honestly, I have no idea how I would handle it.
If BP doesn't have the money to see the kid.
Do You Think 50/50 Custody Is Good For the Kids?
- newstepmom61811
on Nov. 17, 2012 at 5:21 PM