This is very long, need some advice on some things please.
So, a new court order was signed back in June, DH and BM agreed to change custody to DH having majority residential time. BM is scheduled to have EOW during the summer, EOWE during the school year, every other major holiday, and Mother's day. Since July BM has chosen to have visitation to be at DH's discretion. She has willingly given up several visits, only having SD over night one weekend a month, and only have 3 day visits in the last 4 months (one of those was when she randomly showed up to a physical therapy evaluation).
When th CO was signed DH and BM agreed that in two years when BM finished school and moved to our city that they would adjust the CO and sign a new one reflecting joint physical custody as well as possible. 2 months after that CO was signed, BM randomly moved to the same city as us (about 350 miles away from where she was living). Even living in the same city as us she's seen SD 6 times (only 3 over nights) in the last almost 4 months.
SD has special needs, special needs that have not been met over the last several years while living with BM. We have been establishing specialists in our area for SD. She currently has 6 specialists that she sees, and about 10 regular monthly appointments as well as several other appointments that are every 6 weeks and every 3 months. We have found since establishing all of these specialists that BM had SERIOUSLY neglected SD's needs, to the point that some issues may never be over come, one would require we opt for some fairly major surgery which would have about a year of recovery time for SD.
Her developmental assessments show that she is very much below grade level (she's already 2 years behind her age group in school). She's going to go into middle school next year, and none of the teachers or specialists think that she'll be able to meet the demands of a typically developing classroom.
BM has shown up to one medical appointment, two school appointments (but she missed the most important when the IEP team was explaining all of their assessments and planning the rest of her academics for this year and on into middle school). She's not met any of the specialists, and she lives in the same city as us. BM finally got a place to live, but doesn't have a place for SD. She's living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a new guy (she's had about 10 in and our of SD's life over the last about 8 years), AND his two children. She's also said that she doesn't know when she expects to have a place for SD. BM has never lived on her own, she's either lived with friends (while we had SD and did all of her care and BM rarely saw her), or BM has lived with her mom and left SD with her mom 24/7.
At this point, DH is really not wanting to agree to changing the CO, especially if he and I will be the ones providing a majority of SD's care and BM has no idea what her care entails. When she does have visits with SD she doesn't follow up on therapy exercises which are ESSENTIAL in helping SD over come her disabilities. If she can't follow through with necessities to SD's daily life one weekend a month, how is she going to do it daily?
SD is THRIVING right now. Her teacher, therapists, and specialists are all very impressed with her progress. She hasn't had any emotional outbursts since June (which were very often prior to this, every visitation with SD ended with major emotional outbursts for no reason other than it was time to go back). We have created a wonderful environment for her, and the thought of going back to where she was before... It just kills us.
BM doesn't communicate with DH at all. But, when she has SD she has SD text us questions about the therapists and specialists. Right now BM has SD, but hasn't told us when she plans to bring her home tonight (DH agreed to let BM have SD over night last night, and all day today SD has been texting me questions about therapy and specialists locations and information. Questions she's never asked before, and questions that only come up when she's with BM or BM's mom...
Anyways, if the CO says that there's expected to be a change of circumstances and BM and DH will be signing a new CO sometime after September 2014. How would DH go about NOT signing a new CO with all of the above information?