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This is very long, need some advice on some things please.

Posted by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 5:29 PM
  • 10 Replies

So, a new court order was signed back in June, DH and BM agreed to change custody to DH having majority residential time. BM is scheduled to have EOW during the summer, EOWE during the school year, every other major holiday, and Mother's day. Since July BM has chosen to have visitation to be at DH's discretion. She has willingly given up several visits, only having SD over night one weekend a month, and only have 3 day visits in the last 4 months (one of those was when she randomly showed up to a physical therapy evaluation).


When th CO was signed DH and BM agreed that in two years when BM finished school and moved to our city that they would adjust the CO and sign a new one reflecting joint physical custody as well as possible. 2 months after that CO was signed, BM randomly moved to the same city as us (about 350 miles away from where she was living). Even living in the same city as us she's seen SD 6 times (only 3 over nights) in the last almost 4 months.


SD has special needs, special needs that have not been met over the last several years while living with BM. We have been establishing specialists in our area for SD. She currently has 6 specialists that she sees, and about 10 regular monthly appointments as well as several other appointments that are every 6 weeks and every 3 months. We have found since establishing all of these specialists that BM had SERIOUSLY neglected SD's needs, to the point that some issues may never be over come, one would require we opt for some fairly major surgery which would have about a year of recovery time for SD.


Her developmental assessments show that she is very much below grade level (she's already 2 years behind her age group in school). She's going to go into middle school next year, and none of the teachers or specialists think that she'll be able to meet the demands of a typically developing classroom.


BM has shown up to one medical appointment, two school appointments (but she missed the most important when the IEP team was explaining all of their assessments and planning the rest of her academics for this year and on into middle school). She's not met any of the specialists, and she lives in the same city as us. BM finally got a place to live, but doesn't have a place for SD. She's living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a new guy (she's had about 10 in and our of SD's life over the last about 8 years), AND his two children. She's also said that she doesn't know when she expects to have a place for SD. BM has never lived on her own, she's either lived with friends (while we had SD and did all of her care and BM rarely saw her), or BM has lived with her mom and left SD with her mom 24/7.


At this point, DH is really not wanting to agree to changing the CO, especially if he and I will be the ones providing a majority of SD's care and BM has no idea what her care entails. When she does have visits with SD she doesn't follow up on therapy exercises which are ESSENTIAL in helping SD over come her disabilities. If she can't follow through with necessities to SD's daily life one weekend a month, how is she going  to do it daily?


SD is THRIVING right now. Her teacher, therapists, and specialists are all very impressed with her progress. She hasn't had any emotional outbursts since June (which were very often prior to this, every visitation with SD ended with major emotional outbursts for no reason other than it was time to go back). We have created a wonderful environment for her, and the thought of going back to where she was before... It just kills us.


BM doesn't communicate with DH at all. But, when she has SD she has SD text us questions about the therapists and specialists. Right now BM has SD, but hasn't told us when she plans to bring her home tonight (DH agreed to let BM have SD over night last night, and all day today SD has been texting me questions about therapy and specialists locations and information. Questions she's never asked before, and questions that only come up when she's with BM or BM's mom...


Anyways, if the CO says that there's expected to be a change of circumstances and BM and DH will be signing a new CO sometime after September 2014. How would DH go about NOT signing a new CO with all of the above information?

by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 5:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mommyof5247
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 12:27 AM
Did the last CO stating there would be an expected change in Sept 2014 say anything about the details?

BM does not sound like a positive environment for SD no matter what the previous agreement was. She hasn't shown you any indication that she would be fit to provide the support & care that SD needs & if I were DH, I would not agree to the previous plan due to BM's lack of interest & effort. Gather your proof of BM's lack of support from as far back as possible until the 2014 court or mediation date. Then be ready with an alternative agreement.
Get doctor, therapist & teacher letters about SD's condition, development & what they know about relationship with BM.

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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:22 AM
1 mom liked this

All the current CO states is that there is expected to be a change in or around September 2014, BM is expected to finish school (although, at the time that the CO was agreed upon by BM and DH she had lied about what she was going to school for and how long it would take) and will move to the same city as us making shared custody easier.

However, BM will be finished with school in approximately May 2013, and moved to the same city as us in August (2 months after the CO was signed). Even living in the same city as us she hasn't had any contact with the specialists.

BM had SD over night last night, she had her for exactly 24 hours, and didn't follow through with any of SD's therapy exercises and activities. I made sure to give her copies of EVERYTHING when I dropped SD off. Then I sent an email confirming that I had dropped all the therapy information and school IEP information off to her (that way our butts are covered and she can't say she didn't get it later on down the road).

There are no lawyers or anything involved, and honestly  I don't know if BM will push the issue in 2014 or not, I mean, that's still almost 2 years away. She can go to court and try and petition for a judge to award her majority residential time, but at that point she'd have to prove that she could meet SD's needs better than DH and I.

When SD moved in with us she had one specialist established when living with BM, just an eye specialist and no IEP or supportive services through the school district. Now she has regular weekly physical therapy, twice a month occupational therapy,  an eye specialist, an orthopedic surgeon and a team of physical therapists at the local Shriner's hospital for children, she's been referred to a developmental ophthalmologist, and she has a full IEP with supportive services through the school district (all of her developmental assessments have scored her as being "slow" or "below average" and requiring a LOT of academic support, which her mom has blatently refused to establish, we have emails of her saying no it's not necessary).

DH plans to state that the current schedule is the best for SD. We've let BM have SD every single time she's asked. 

Quoting Mommyof5247:

Did the last CO stating there would be an expected change in Sept 2014 say anything about the details?

BM does not sound like a positive environment for SD no matter what the previous agreement was. She hasn't shown you any indication that she would be fit to provide the support & care that SD needs & if I were DH, I would not agree to the previous plan due to BM's lack of interest & effort. Gather your proof of BM's lack of support from as far back as possible until the 2014 court or mediation date. Then be ready with an alternative agreement.
Get doctor, therapist & teacher letters about SD's condition, development & what they know about relationship with BM.


LittleMama2012
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:13 AM
Document and bring everything up at the hearing.
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grumpyboston
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:29 AM
Well I wouldnt give her any info over a text if she wants to know she can ask in person . And I would just write everything down . When you co is suppost to change in 2014 bring it up I doubt the judge will change it with all the lack of interst she shows in SD .I wouldnt worry about it . You seem more stable in SD life then bm. Doubt judge will up root a child with special needs into someones care that .isn't stable into her child's life
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SammyJK
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:59 AM
I dont really inderstand "she has willing chosen to have visitation be at dhs discretion". Does dh tell her she shouldnt take sd at times or what?
I wouldnt let this possible change 2 years from now stress or worry you now because it sounds like its not going to be an issue when the time comes. You have proof that changing things isnt best for sd at all and that bm wont/cant accomodate sds needs. Just keep everything documented.and kudos to you for going above and beyond the call of a sm and being the person this child needs you to be.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 1:19 PM


Quoting SammyJK:

I dont really inderstand "she has willing chosen to have visitation be at dhs discretion". Does dh tell her she shouldnt take sd at times or what?
I wouldnt let this possible change 2 years from now stress or worry you now because it sounds like its not going to be an issue when the time comes. You have proof that changing things isnt best for sd at all and that bm wont/cant accomodate sds needs. Just keep everything documented.and kudos to you for going above and beyond the call of a sm and being the person this child needs you to be.

Basically she's given up all visitation and asks DH's permission for each and every visit. She's said that due to her work and school schedule she can't take SD (she's quit 2 jobs since moving down here and recently started a third job), she's said that due to her living situation (she's living with a guy and his two kids in a 2  bedroom apartment) she can't take SD. So, she emails DH and says "This weekend I'm going to visit my mom and I'd like to take SD with me, is it OK if I pick her up Friday at 5pm and drop her back off on Sunday at 8pm?" This has been once a month since July.

I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't some type of legal trouble DH could get into for saying no about signing a new parenting plan when the current one says that he will.

Thank you :) My kids are my life, and that includes SD. DH works about 55 hours a week, and I take care of the kiddos. SD and DD (almost 6) both of special needs. Between the two girls we have 16 regular appointments each month, and a lot of other appointments that pop up here and there. We also have a 9 year old DS and 4 year old DD. Its insane, but it needs to be done.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 1:55 PM


Quoting grumpyboston:

Well I wouldnt give her any info over a text if she wants to know she can ask in person . And I would just write everything down . When you co is suppost to change in 2014 bring it up I doubt the judge will change it with all the lack of interst she shows in SD .I wouldnt worry about it . You seem more stable in SD life then bm. Doubt judge will up root a child with special needs into someones care that .isn't stable into her child's life

I mostly just wanted to make sure that DH wasn't going to get into some type of trouble for going back on his word about signing a new parenting plan.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 1:58 PM

At this point she's lived in the same city as us for 3 months. We have made sure to schedule all doctors appointments, specialists appointments, IEP meetings, school appointments, EVERYYTHING has been scheduled at a time when BM said she'd be able to make it. Of the 20+ appointments SD has had in the last 3 months BM has been to one physical therapy appointment, one IEP meeting (the initial one requesting that assessments be done), and the parent teacher conference (which she was late to).

She's made no effort to involve herself in SD's life other than a visit here and there and has no real understanding of SD's disorder and special needs. 

grumpyboston
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:21 PM
I don't think he will get in trouble she is the one not followin thur .You and your husband sound like wonderful caring people great job . Judge wouldn't take away a child just to appease the bm

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:



Quoting grumpyboston:

Well I wouldnt give her any info over a text if she wants to know she can ask in person . And I would just write everything down . When you co is suppost to change in 2014 bring it up I doubt the judge will change it with all the lack of interst she shows in SD .I wouldnt worry about it . You seem more stable in SD life then bm. Doubt judge will up root a child with special needs into someones care that .isn't stable into her child's life

I mostly just wanted to make sure that DH wasn't going to get into some type of trouble for going back on his word about signing a new parenting plan.

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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:30 PM

Unfortunately the judge did before. That's how BM got custody in the first place. However, at that time there was no CO, BM had just left SD with DH and gone off to do her own thing. She asked to visit SD for the day and moved 300+ miles away with SD without a word to DH. We had to hire a PI to track BM down and get her served court papers. We had proof that BM had taken SD from a stable environment with established REGULAR therapy to an unstable environment with no therapy. The judge took BM's word that she was working to establish therapy and gave her custody.


Not once in the almost 10 years that BM had custody did SD ever have regular therapy or specialists. Which is why we are working so hard now to over come the last 10 years of neglect. But, at least we have all of the proof necessary now to ensure that if BM does somehow get cusody she can't step out of line with specialists, therapy, and the IEP through the schools.

Quoting grumpyboston:

I don't think he will get in trouble she is the one not followin thur .You and your husband sound like wonderful caring people great job . Judge wouldn't take away a child just to appease the bm

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:



Quoting grumpyboston:

Well I wouldnt give her any info over a text if she wants to know she can ask in person . And I would just write everything down . When you co is suppost to change in 2014 bring it up I doubt the judge will change it with all the lack of interst she shows in SD .I wouldnt worry about it . You seem more stable in SD life then bm. Doubt judge will up root a child with special needs into someones care that .isn't stable into her child's life

I mostly just wanted to make sure that DH wasn't going to get into some type of trouble for going back on his word about signing a new parenting plan.


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