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I've posted a bit in the last week about SD15's suicide threat and resulting inpatient admission. We had a family session the other day and the best description if her behavior was hostile. Our time at home, given the stress of the week, has been peaceful. The house is running smoother, the other kids are less stressed, and we are all much more peaceful.
The question if the moment is about Thanksgiving. SD15's mother died two years ago on the day before thanksgiving (the 24th that year). Her wacky grandparents decided that the day before the holiday should always celebrate her mother's death. They dwell on it to an unhealthy level to the point of calling SD15 by her mother's name. They have basically have made it into a multi day anniversary - it extends from the day before Thanksgiving to whenever the actual date is. SD15 is a mess during this.
The therapist was discussing the holiday with us. We both prefer that SD15 stay in through the anniversary. We feel that even though she would miss the holiday, she is at such an increased risk for negative behaviors she and our family are safer with her in there.
Sorry this is so long... Are we being selfish?
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by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:41 AM
Replies (21-30):
SammyJK
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:42 AM
You dont really believe that you are to blame do you?
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sassy711
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this

The SD needs to stay put.  Some of her problems may be due to the loss of her mother, AND the fact that the grandparents aren't allowing the healing process.  Maybe SD feels a bit guilty because deep down she doesn't want to be part of that dysfunctional "ceremony".  Y'all need to bring this up to the counselor (in private) so that s/he can work on it with your SD.  This is a really difficult time for you all and I will pray for you.  Good luck

SavesSpiders
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:14 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm sure she would be safer with you!  That's not selfish, that's looking out for her.


Perhaps if you assure the BM's family that she will still be remembered and if you can swing it, and she's able to spend Thanksgiving with you, you can help her remember her mom in a positive way - celebrating her BM's life, not her death.  One thing we do every year at Thanksgiving to acknowledge the SD's late MB, is let the SDs make one of the dishes they say their mother made every year (BTW - it's a quiche I've learned that their BM made this dish once and I hear it tasted just as terrible as it does when the girls try to recreate it every year, but we all suck it down like it's a tasty treat).   We also make an effort to include their BM's decorations on the tree (yes, even the ugly ones).

Either way - we can't pretend their BMs never existed during the holidays, but we can have control over the tone of rememberance.  

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:39 AM

I think you are right. I think she is much safer in the facility than she would be if she were at the grandparents, reliving her mother's death.

By the way I can't judge the grandparents for their ritual, as unhealthy as it sounds. Losing a child at any age is the worst thing that can happen to someone.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:54 AM
I don't judge them - DH does, though. I just shake my head, pick up the pieces and try to help her get over it before Christmas when they start again. The grandmother really only knows how to show grief by getting others worked up. We have asked again and again for her to tone it down a bit, on all topics, but I have come to the conclusion that she is either not bright enough or not socially aware enough to understand what we mean.
SD15 is still there. DH is going to visit today - I am not welcome. I have a huge update when I can get in front of a computer - DH sees the light, I am to blame for everything, contractions caused by the stress of it all, etc.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I think you are right. I think she is much safer in the facility than she would be if she were at the grandparents, reliving her mother's death.

By the way I can't judge the grandparents for their ritual, as unhealthy as it sounds. Losing a child at any age is the worst thing that can happen to someone.

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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:57 AM
No, but it makes me angry. It makes be regret every blessed thing I have ever done for her. It makes me angry over the turmoil my kids gave gone through because of her.

It makes me realize that there is no point in trying until she gets her issues resolved.


Quoting SammyJK:

You dont really believe that you are to blame do you?
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SammyJK
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 9:03 AM
I can understand that.

Quoting HopesNDreams:

No, but it makes me angry. It makes be regret every blessed thing I have ever done for her. It makes me angry over the turmoil my kids gave gone through because of her.



It makes me realize that there is no point in trying until she gets her issues resolved.




Quoting SammyJK:

You dont really believe that you are to blame do you?
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SammyJK
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 9:16 AM
Did you update yet? I dont wanna miss it!! Lol
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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:54 PM

 Typing it now

Quoting SammyJK:

Did you update yet? I dont wanna miss it!! Lol

 

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