custody change is NOT always the best option

so why do smom (yes i'm guilty) always jump to that first thought. ok so according to most of us in here the bm's we are dealing with SUCK like hell, even the bm's i have dealt with past and present and i even hated my neices bm at first. and i'm sure smom hated (hates) me to this day. but why is it always (mostly) "the kids would do so much better with us" - would they really?

how do we know this for sure? when i was with xh i just KNEW that my xskids would be better off with us, hell i bitched about bm  A LOT and how nasty they were (stinking, lesser lifestyle, etc etc) but when youngest sd did come to live with us, i was learning quickly that it WASN'T the best idea.

and when bm has a hard time, instead of gathering information it's automatically "we want custody" but most of the time, unless it's a long term position or bm is on drugs or around people doing drugs it's just not that easy to get a custody change unless the other parent is ok with the idea.

I understand not all bm's are "talkable" so that's why you just simply gently approach the subject, if that blows up, then send a letter from an attorney stating that she has til x date to provide reasons for her change and a game plan to get out of it or custody changes will be sought. at least this way you can PROVE you TRIED to talk to the op and give them a chance to clean it up before just ripping the child from the other home

just makes no sense to me so please help me understand why custody battle is always the first thought. in most posts i have read, once custody got changed, the smom HATED it...............so be careful what you pray for

[jlg12678]

Same here for my dh and I. The skids have been under bm's house/rules for so long they'd never adjust well to our home if my dh ever was cp.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't know, that is one battle DH and I have never engage in with BM. I can't imagine anything but BM being CP for SS. Under no circumstances would I want to in a custodial situation with a stepchild.

[elisesmom922]

I  didn't always say this about BM in the beginning, though DH and his family did. I was willing to give BM the benefit of the doubt, as I would want someone to do for me. BM is not talkable,at all, what so ever. But then the bruises started, and the stints of SD going 3 days w/o sleep out of fear, and the constant moving, the too small dirty clothes, the list goes on. THEN I started to get WHY they felt this way. In my opinion, who works, who doesn't, who cooks better, who is home more, etc isn't the issue. And I don't want to be SD's mom, I just think she deserves and should have better that BM is willing and/or able to give her.

[ManicAttack]

Well when BM was arrested for truancy issues, I guess that was the big issue that said, "SS would do better with us."  Why?  Because he'd get to school on time.

Then she was charged with child negligence and endangerment.  I guess that was the second issue that told us, "SS would be better with us."

The third thing was something I'd rather not say to strangers, but let's just say BM's idea of "cuddling" with SS wasn't exactly appropriate.

I didn't necessarily want custody to change at all.  Neither did SO.  But that is what was in the best interest for SS.  

I don't know why OTHER SMs on here think it's a way to fix an issue, but for SO and SS, that was answer.