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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

custody change is NOT always the best option

so why do smom (yes i'm guilty) always jump to that first thought. ok so according to most of us in here the bm's we are dealing with SUCK like hell, even the bm's i have dealt with past and present and i even hated my neices bm at first. and i'm sure smom hated (hates) me to this day. but why is it always (mostly) "the kids would do so much better with us" - would they really?

how do we know this for sure? when i was with xh i just KNEW that my xskids would be better off with us, hell i bitched about bm  A LOT and how nasty they were (stinking, lesser lifestyle, etc etc) but when youngest sd did come to live with us, i was learning quickly that it WASN'T the best idea.

and when bm has a hard time, instead of gathering information it's automatically "we want custody" but most of the time, unless it's a long term position or bm is on drugs or around people doing drugs it's just not that easy to get a custody change unless the other parent is ok with the idea.

I understand not all bm's are "talkable" so that's why you just simply gently approach the subject, if that blows up, then send a letter from an attorney stating that she has til x date to provide reasons for her change and a game plan to get out of it or custody changes will be sought. at least this way you can PROVE you TRIED to talk to the op and give them a chance to clean it up before just ripping the child from the other home

just makes no sense to me so please help me understand why custody battle is always the first thought. in most posts i have read, once custody got changed, the smom HATED it...............so be careful what you pray for

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:57 PM
Replies (21-30):
LucyHarper
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:38 AM

He was failing to thrive and she almost got him killed several times, when she put him in a coma because of her irresponsibility, her having custody, or even unsupervised visitation, was no longer an option. I can 100% say that he is better off with us.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:39 AM


Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting WifeyC:

Up until that point DH and I were saying the kids were better off living with us.  We said it for years.  There was nothing DH could do about it until it got so bad that CPS had to get involved.

Maybe, just maybe, some of the SM's you hear talking about how skids should live with Dad has valid points.  

SOME-the one's i believe the most, are the one's that actually take actions (like cps) or hiring an attorney, instead of those that "my skids need to live with us and dh wont do anything about it" my thoughts "well, then apparenly they don't need to live with you THAT bad"

Guess so. DH contacted a laywer who told him it was pointless and we had nothing to do with CPS.  Sometimes your hands are tied, but if you attempt nothing then they shouldn't be talking.

needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:44 AM


Quoting WifeyC:

Guess so. DH contacted a laywer who told him it was pointless and we had nothing to do with CPS.  Sometimes your hands are tied, but if you attempt nothing then they shouldn't be talking.

After my experience with xh, i think a LOT of times, the dad only "agrees" with smom who's prying to get her to shut up about it. it eventually got to the point when xh would say "man i wish i had custody of them, they'd do so much better with me" i'd tell him, well, you OBVIOUSLY don't believe that cause you STILL don't have a job to pay for an attorney or to support them, and have not taken action and NEVER stand up to bm. so apparently it's how YOU think it should be.

i learned so much being with him and that is LET THE PARENTS BE THE PARENTS. fiance' doesn't always do things with his kids i agree with, but they are not MINE to worry about so i just let him do his thing and it's SOOOOO much more peaceful!


annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this
I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:02 AM


Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome. yeah, good luck with that motto-though i agree, i don't know many men that would without influence of another woman-the ONLY cp dad i have EVER seen without woman influence is my fiance-not that he's the only one but there's very few out there


Pero1
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:05 AM


Quoting momof2ex1:

Or if her husband has grounds.

But does it REALLY take a SM for the DH to determine whether or not he has grounds?

BM either sucks or she doesn't, the kids are either well-cared for or neglected. If BF was happy with the way the kids were raised for x amount of years, why suddenly change the dynamics?

needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:07 AM


Quoting Pero1:

But does it REALLY take a SM for the DH to determine whether or not he has grounds?

BM either sucks or she doesn't, the kids are either well-cared for or neglected. If BF was happy with the way the kids were raised for x amount of years, why suddenly change the dynamics? cause all the sudden a woman comes in the picture that magically knows better than the parents do! doncha know that???


Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:10 AM
1 mom liked this
Exactly. I'd honestly be scared to be in charge of 5 kids 100%. It would be difficult esp. Because my role as SM is "let the parents parent".

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.

IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:16 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Exactly. I'd honestly be scared to be in charge of 5 kids 100%. It would be difficult esp. Because my role as SM is "let the parents parent".
took me a long time but i have concluded that is a VERY safe place for smommies. that's my motto, let parent be parents, and MY role, is "friend first, parent never"
Pero1
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:16 AM


Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting Pero1:

But does it REALLY take a SM for the DH to determine whether or not he has grounds?

BM either sucks or she doesn't, the kids are either well-cared for or neglected. If BF was happy with the way the kids were raised for x amount of years, why suddenly change the dynamics? cause all the sudden a woman comes in the picture that magically knows better than the parents do! doncha know that???


Well, one could be tempted to think that ... but then, I've been assured on here repeatedly that this certainly isn't the case. In fact, BF agreed with SM before he even met her, but then he was abused by BM, beaten into submission, in a mental state too fragile to stand up to her etc. etc.

You could also call it pussy-whipped ... and this condition seems to be transferrable from pussy to pussy!

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