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custody change is NOT always the best option

so why do smom (yes i'm guilty) always jump to that first thought. ok so according to most of us in here the bm's we are dealing with SUCK like hell, even the bm's i have dealt with past and present and i even hated my neices bm at first. and i'm sure smom hated (hates) me to this day. but why is it always (mostly) "the kids would do so much better with us" - would they really?

how do we know this for sure? when i was with xh i just KNEW that my xskids would be better off with us, hell i bitched about bm  A LOT and how nasty they were (stinking, lesser lifestyle, etc etc) but when youngest sd did come to live with us, i was learning quickly that it WASN'T the best idea.

and when bm has a hard time, instead of gathering information it's automatically "we want custody" but most of the time, unless it's a long term position or bm is on drugs or around people doing drugs it's just not that easy to get a custody change unless the other parent is ok with the idea.

I understand not all bm's are "talkable" so that's why you just simply gently approach the subject, if that blows up, then send a letter from an attorney stating that she has til x date to provide reasons for her change and a game plan to get out of it or custody changes will be sought. at least this way you can PROVE you TRIED to talk to the op and give them a chance to clean it up before just ripping the child from the other home

just makes no sense to me so please help me understand why custody battle is always the first thought. in most posts i have read, once custody got changed, the smom HATED it...............so be careful what you pray for

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:57 PM
Replies (31-40):
needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:20 AM


Quoting Pero1:

Well, one could be tempted to think that ... but then, I've been assured on here repeatedly that this certainly isn't the case. In fact, BF agreed with SM before he even met her, but then he was abused by BM, beaten into submission, in a mental state too fragile to stand up to her etc. etc.

You could also call it pussy-whipped ... and this condition seems to be transferrable from pussy to pussy!

rolling on floormaybe that's the kind of woman these men need (someone to mother him). i used to be THAT woman with xh, but you cant' beat a dead body and expect it to respond
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:24 AM
I see your point but I see it go both ways. This has nothing really to do with custody but it does.

BM long ago was able to get skids all week and my Dh every other wknd and a wendsday evening I think. The reason: because my Dh went to work at 5 am and she at 8am. So she was more "stable" to take sons to school. Dh got them after school.

IMO,totally not cool. Then it went to Dh dropped off skids at BMs at 445am (he got a couple more nights).

Then I came along and it was more convenient. Skids could wake up at 7 and I'd make sure they got off to school. So yeah,I made it "easier" -and it gave my Dh MORE time with his sons. Overnights in fact.

BM wouldn't give him that because of a measly 3 hours earlier he went to work. Not cool. In my book but not my problem. But I would help him and did.

Also after all that fighting,Dh begged for Sunday nights. BM never have it to him until SHE found a bf and she wanted to spend the night w him.

So Dh got Sundays but only because she found someone. Not cool but it is was it is.

So yes, sometimes spouses help out ..

but a single BM(my case and I assume yours after the spilt ) shouldn't be blackballed either just because she lives a different. Life then dad and his 2.5 kids and house w a picket fence and mommy 2.0 That also isn't fair to a single BM. IMO.
Quoting Pero1:





Quoting momof2ex1:

Or if her husband has grounds.

But does it REALLY take a SM for the DH to determine whether or not he has grounds?

BM either sucks or she doesn't, the kids are either well-cared for or neglected. If BF was happy with the way the kids were raised for x amount of years, why suddenly change the dynamics?

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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:24 AM
LOL I don't care if he likes it or not. He is going to take responsibility, because I will NOT. I can help out, if I want to. That is all.


Quoting needsupport100:



Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome. yeah, good luck with that motto-though i agree, i don't know many men that would without influence of another woman-the ONLY cp dad i have EVER seen without woman influence is my fiance-not that he's the only one but there's very few out there



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needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:27 AM


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I see your point but I see it go both ways. This has nothing really to do with custody but it does.

BM long ago was able to get skids all week and my Dh every other wknd and a wendsday evening I think. The reason: because my Dh went to work at 5 am and she at 8am. So she was more "stable" to take sons to school. Dh got them after school.

IMO,totally not cool. Then it went to Dh dropped off skids at BMs at 445am (he got a couple more nights).

Then I came along and it was more convenient. Skids could wake up at 7 and I'd make sure they got off to school. So yeah,I made it "easier" -and it gave my Dh MORE time with his sons. Overnights in fact.

BM wouldn't give him that because of a measly 3 hours earlier he went to work. Not cool. In my book but not my problem. But I would help him and did.

Also after all that fighting,Dh begged for Sunday nights. BM never have it to him until SHE found a bf and she wanted to spend the night w him.

So Dh got Sundays but only because she found someone. Not cool but it is was it is.

So yes, sometimes spouses help out but a single BM shouldn't be blackballed just because she lives a diff. Life then dad and his 2.5 kids and house w a picket fence. That also isn't fair to a single BM. IMO.

ok but in this case, the dad, picked up his balls and MADE the change, he didn't just blow smoke (tell you yes, but do nothing about it)


Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:30 AM
If Dh left me right now honestly if move back with my mom. It's just her since my dad passed and we get along well. If I had a home she'd live with me anyhow.

Well if Dh moved in mommy 2.0 and
She said "look, BM lives with mom,it's not stable ,ect. I'd be pissed off BM! And my moms home is older.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:34 AM
Ooooo. Okay then:) that's true.

Quoting needsupport100:



Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I see your point but I see it go both ways. This has nothing really to do with custody but it does.

BM long ago was able to get skids all week and my Dh every other wknd and a wendsday evening I think. The reason: because my Dh went to work at 5 am and she at 8am. So she was more "stable" to take sons to school. Dh got them after school.

IMO,totally not cool. Then it went to Dh dropped off skids at BMs at 445am (he got a couple more nights).

Then I came along and it was more convenient. Skids could wake up at 7 and I'd make sure they got off to school. So yeah,I made it "easier" -and it gave my Dh MORE time with his sons. Overnights in fact.

BM wouldn't give him that because of a measly 3 hours earlier he went to work. Not cool. In my book but not my problem. But I would help him and did.

Also after all that fighting,Dh begged for Sunday nights. BM never have it to him until SHE found a bf and she wanted to spend the night w him.

So Dh got Sundays but only because she found someone. Not cool but it is was it is.

So yes, sometimes spouses help out but a single BM shouldn't be blackballed just because she lives a diff. Life then dad and his 2.5 kids and house w a picket fence. That also isn't fair to a single BM. IMO.

ok but in this case, the dad, picked up his balls and MADE the change, he didn't just blow smoke (tell you yes, but do nothing about it)


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deedra979
by Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:36 AM

I'm guilty of that being my first thought when something is going on that I don't agree with.  DH is very passive, and BM does kinda suck at life.  But, at the end of the day, I don't want want to be CSM.  I'm very content with having SS only 24hrs eowe.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:38 AM
Lmao!!!!!


Quoting Pero1:



Quoting needsupport100:



Quoting Pero1:

But does it REALLY take a SM for the DH to determine whether or not he has grounds?


BM either sucks or she doesn't, the kids are either well-cared for or neglected. If BF was happy with the way the kids were raised for x amount of years, why suddenly change the dynamics? cause all the sudden a woman comes in the picture that magically knows better than the parents do! doncha know that???



Well, one could be tempted to think that ... but then, I've been assured on here repeatedly that this certainly isn't the case. In fact, BF agreed with SM before he even met her, but then he was abused by BM, beaten into submission, in a mental state too fragile to stand up to her etc. etc.

You could also call it pussy-whipped ... and this condition seems to be transferrable from pussy to pussy!


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dbush0584
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:39 AM
In my situation bm is a jobless, carless, homeless drug addict..............that's why the kids would be better with us
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Me too! I generally scared to take care of someone else child, forget doing it 100% of the time. If I wanted to care for another child, I would have another baby of my own:)
How is your adorable baby doing? :)


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Exactly. I'd honestly be scared to be in charge of 5 kids 100%. It would be difficult esp. Because my role as SM is "let the parents parent".



Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.


IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.



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