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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

custody change is NOT always the best option

so why do smom (yes i'm guilty) always jump to that first thought. ok so according to most of us in here the bm's we are dealing with SUCK like hell, even the bm's i have dealt with past and present and i even hated my neices bm at first. and i'm sure smom hated (hates) me to this day. but why is it always (mostly) "the kids would do so much better with us" - would they really?

how do we know this for sure? when i was with xh i just KNEW that my xskids would be better off with us, hell i bitched about bm  A LOT and how nasty they were (stinking, lesser lifestyle, etc etc) but when youngest sd did come to live with us, i was learning quickly that it WASN'T the best idea.

and when bm has a hard time, instead of gathering information it's automatically "we want custody" but most of the time, unless it's a long term position or bm is on drugs or around people doing drugs it's just not that easy to get a custody change unless the other parent is ok with the idea.

I understand not all bm's are "talkable" so that's why you just simply gently approach the subject, if that blows up, then send a letter from an attorney stating that she has til x date to provide reasons for her change and a game plan to get out of it or custody changes will be sought. at least this way you can PROVE you TRIED to talk to the op and give them a chance to clean it up before just ripping the child from the other home

just makes no sense to me so please help me understand why custody battle is always the first thought. in most posts i have read, once custody got changed, the smom HATED it...............so be careful what you pray for

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:57 PM
Replies (41-50):
needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:49 AM


Quoting dbush0584:

In my situation bm is a jobless, carless, homeless drug addict..............that's why the kids would be better with us

in eyes of court, jobless, carless are things that they dont' care about as long as the the cp finds a way to support the kids, whether it's bf of the month or friends and family helping. homeless, if they are living out of a shelter, then it's something courts would consider, if they are living with someone, it depends if they have their own room or not. drugs=good luck proving that one-but at the end of the day, dad has to care enough to take action


rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 11:28 AM

I'm not saying they don't. I have never said they don't. There are just as many who have vaild points that do not. Just as many who are only concerned for the well being of the kids and who just want to be petty. I also know it is very hard for BFs to get custody from BMs in most states. In most you need horrible cases or a BM that abandoned the children. I don't think it should be any harder for a BF then a BM personally. In a case where I a see a child's well being is genuinely being harmed or is at risk, then the child(ren) need to be with the parent that will do their best for the well being. I also wish it didn't take the involvement of CPS for a judge to see a child belongs with BF not BM when it is needed, unfortunately that is the case too many times. I only meant with your situation (and others like yours) no one should be saying anything negative about BF getting custody of your SKs. In your case in was what was best for the kids and that should be clear with the involvement of CPS.

Quoting WifeyC:

Up until that point DH and I were saying the kids were better off living with us.  We said it for years.  There was nothing DH could do about it until it got so bad that CPS had to get involved.

Maybe, just maybe, some of the SM's you hear talking about how skids should live with Dad has valid points.  

Quoting rebeccasmly:

I don't know about anyone else, but to me this is a completely different situation. When CPS is involved for valid reasons (we all know people try to get CPS involved for stupid reasons), that changes everything. When there is a valid reason for CPS involvement, anything and everything needs to be done to protect those kids.

Quoting WifeyC:

DH didn't "rip" the kids from her home.  CPS took care of that part.




dbush0584
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:48 PM

OK........

BM cannot support the kids.  That's why they're all with their dad's.  They're not living out of a shelter...they're couch jumping...they do not have their own room and there are drugs involved (I have pictures and eye witness testimony so proving it wasn't a problem...there's also the follicle test that she's about to have to do).  DAD does care enough...that's why he (and I) has been working his ass off and spending a small fortune to get custody (which we should have pretty soon).  And the court DOES care if CP's are jobless because they still look at that.  What if you couldnt find help to support your children?  Then if the NCP can and is more stable...they consider whether the kids will be better taken care of with NCP.  

Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting dbush0584:

In my situation bm is a jobless, carless, homeless drug addict..............that's why the kids would be better with us

in eyes of court, jobless, carless are things that they dont' care about as long as the the cp finds a way to support the kids, whether it's bf of the month or friends and family helping. homeless, if they are living out of a shelter, then it's something courts would consider, if they are living with someone, it depends if they have their own room or not. drugs=good luck proving that one-but at the end of the day, dad has to care enough to take action




faerie75
by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:02 PM

 i dont think a custody change is the best idea. my SO just wants more court ordered TIME. shes not unfit though.

needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:38 PM


Quoting dbush0584:

OK........

BM cannot support the kids.  That's why they're all with their dad's.  They're not living out of a shelter...they're couch jumping...they do not have their own room and there are drugs involved (I have pictures and eye witness testimony so proving it wasn't a problem...there's also the follicle test that she's about to have to do).  DAD does care enough...that's why he (and I) has been working his ass off and spending a small fortune to get custody (which we should have pretty soon).  And the court DOES care if CP's are jobless because they still look at that.  What if you couldnt find help to support your children?  Then if the NCP can and is more stable...they consider whether the kids will be better taken care of with NCP.  

woo hoo! so the dad in your stich (dh) DOES care enough to do something about it....so many don't cause god forbid they start drama.

and no, they don't always care if they are jobless-my xh was jobless, but because HIS MOM bought a house for him and "provided" for her while he had her, the judge said "he found his way, you find yours" only i COULD'VE used that "help" against him and add to his income for cs IF i had papers proving how much help he DOES get.

dbush0584
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:44 PM

Thats pretty shitty.  Our situation is different because she has A LOT of shit against her.  Maybe her joblessness is just icing on the proverbial cake.  Im sorry for your situation.  DDs father is the same as those "many" that youre talking about.  Luckily SO isn't.

Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting dbush0584:

OK........

BM cannot support the kids.  That's why they're all with their dad's.  They're not living out of a shelter...they're couch jumping...they do not have their own room and there are drugs involved (I have pictures and eye witness testimony so proving it wasn't a problem...there's also the follicle test that she's about to have to do).  DAD does care enough...that's why he (and I) has been working his ass off and spending a small fortune to get custody (which we should have pretty soon).  And the court DOES care if CP's are jobless because they still look at that.  What if you couldnt find help to support your children?  Then if the NCP can and is more stable...they consider whether the kids will be better taken care of with NCP.  

woo hoo! so the dad in your stich (dh) DOES care enough to do something about it....so many don't cause god forbid they start drama.

and no, they don't always care if they are jobless-my xh was jobless, but because HIS MOM bought a house for him and "provided" for her while he had her, the judge said "he found his way, you find yours" only i COULD'VE used that "help" against him and add to his income for cs IF i had papers proving how much help he DOES get.



Charli627
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:51 PM
Same here. But at one point bm wanted the boys to live with dh, saying she could not handle them. Dh had the boys, and was paying cs and everything too. Then when dh went to file the mod to reflect the fact that the boys were living with him, bm got them back.

Quoting faerie75:

 i dont think a custody change is the best idea. my SO just wants more court ordered TIME. shes not unfit though.

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looneytunes290
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:52 PM

My skids therapist told us that the kids would Not do better with us. But wait- she said that because of their tendencies (strongly like their mothers) that we would probably not be able to do them enough good to merit the risk if damaging our own family.  She said that while there was possibly enough evidence that a judge might grant a custody change that they were old enough that "the damage was done" it was the hardest decision we ever had to make. If they had wante to live with us then we might have done things differently, but sometimes I think custody changes aren't for the best EVENsociopathe kids are living with a sociopath. After they have lived with a sociopath for awhile then they are pros at ruining everyone's lives.

needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:57 PM


Quoting dbush0584:

Thats pretty shitty.  Our situation is different because she has A LOT of shit against her.  Maybe her joblessness is just icing on the proverbial cake.  Im sorry for your situation.  DDs father is the same as those "many" that youre talking about.  Luckily SO isn't.

Well, the fac that he couldn't get off the titty. he's 35 this christmas and when he asked who had her this thanksgiving and i couldn't tell him off the back, he turned to ask his mom. i'm like NO that's OURs to figure out. he's still living in the same house, actually employed only cause he works with his mom and still lives in "her" house
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:20 PM

I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

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