Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

custody change is NOT always the best option

so why do smom (yes i'm guilty) always jump to that first thought. ok so according to most of us in here the bm's we are dealing with SUCK like hell, even the bm's i have dealt with past and present and i even hated my neices bm at first. and i'm sure smom hated (hates) me to this day. but why is it always (mostly) "the kids would do so much better with us" - would they really?

how do we know this for sure? when i was with xh i just KNEW that my xskids would be better off with us, hell i bitched about bm  A LOT and how nasty they were (stinking, lesser lifestyle, etc etc) but when youngest sd did come to live with us, i was learning quickly that it WASN'T the best idea.

and when bm has a hard time, instead of gathering information it's automatically "we want custody" but most of the time, unless it's a long term position or bm is on drugs or around people doing drugs it's just not that easy to get a custody change unless the other parent is ok with the idea.

I understand not all bm's are "talkable" so that's why you just simply gently approach the subject, if that blows up, then send a letter from an attorney stating that she has til x date to provide reasons for her change and a game plan to get out of it or custody changes will be sought. at least this way you can PROVE you TRIED to talk to the op and give them a chance to clean it up before just ripping the child from the other home

just makes no sense to me so please help me understand why custody battle is always the first thought. in most posts i have read, once custody got changed, the smom HATED it...............so be careful what you pray for

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 9:57 PM
Replies (51-60):
needsupport100
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:23 PM


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.

i am on the fence with what you guys are saying. i couldn't DARE be with a man who doesn't have any input on a custody change with my daughter, and i wouldn't dare be with a man who doesn't want my input on the idea of a custody change with one of his kids and for hte maritial relationship, if the parents are "on their own" then whats the point of having a marriage. it would definately make me NOT want to have any kids with them. cause if you can't parent the kids you have NOW together, how you gonna do it for another child?


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:34 PM

That is it, my saying to DH that he is on his own on a custody change, is actually my input and he would stop and consider my stance because my husband does value my input. SS isn't my child to parent so I can't force my input however my husband does value our family and he wouldn't do anything to threaten it.

Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.

i am on the fence with what you guys are saying. i couldn't DARE be with a man who doesn't have any input on a custody change with my daughter, and i wouldn't dare be with a man who doesn't want my input on the idea of a custody change with one of his kids and for hte maritial relationship, if the parents are "on their own" then whats the point of having a marriage. it would definately make me NOT want to have any kids with them. cause if you can't parent the kids you have NOW together, how you gonna do it for another child?



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:37 PM

Dh went from being NCP to 50/50. There has been a big change in SD from it, she's a lot happier and even BM had noticed it. DH wanted more time and he pushed for it, I just supported him (and documentation as well). Now SD is talking about wanting to live with us full time and seeing her BM EOWE. She's been saying this for a couple of months now. DH is fine with 50/50, he doesn't want to "take" SD away from her BM. BUT SD keeps pushing the issue.  She's almost to that age where she can go to court and tell the judge her reasons for wanting that change. I must say, they are legit.

I'm not sure how it would be if SD were to live with us mostly. We are already involved in every aspect of her life (except for BM's church) we go to all events, etc.

Wandering how feelings between the BP's get when it's the kid(s) who want the custody change???? 

TempestRayne
by Donna on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:43 PM
I think in a lot of cases, it is a knee jerk "hurt you any way I can" response.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:49 PM
In our case, SD was being abused by SF and BM was diagnosed with a severe mental illness. SD was clearly better off with us - or anyone else!!! However, what was better for her was horrible for the rest of the family. She only knew how to manage in a dysfunctional environment and brought that chaos to our home. Years later, she is still having trouble and the rest of us have to deal with it.
Think carefully before changing custody is always my advice.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 5:51 PM

Yup, we don't have major issues but I don't whatever 'damage' coming into my home.

Quoting HopesNDreams:

In our case, SD was being abused by SF and BM was diagnosed with a severe mental illness. SD was clearly better off with us - or anyone else!!! However, what was better for her was horrible for the rest of the family. She only knew how to manage in a dysfunctional environment and brought that chaos to our home. Years later, she is still having trouble and the rest of us have to deal with it.
Think carefully before changing custody is always my advice.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

kkkaaayyyy
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:27 PM

Kind of depends on the situation. Mu DH's BM lives with her parents, she doesn't work besides babysitting her friends kids. BM's two sisters and brother live with her parents as well. They all have at least 1 or 2 kids , so there is like 8 kids and 6 adults in a small house. I worry about schooling and being able to rest and pay attention to school work with all those kids running around. Every year one of them pops out another kid so they just keep growing. We don't have any children in our house so when SS comes over he loves it and is all calm and enjoy's the one on one time with his dad and I. So i guess everyone's situations are different.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:50 PM
You mean BP wouldn't pursue the custody, if SP doesn't approve it?
Then that particular BP doesn't deserve the custody in the first place.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.

IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:57 PM
I am so tired of all these mixed messages I getting here
You ( general you) bash SM because they want to have input , and bash the SM who doesn't .
So if BP is single, he/she
should not go for custody? Or ifHe/ she married, he/she needs to get approval of the spouse?


Quoting needsupport100:



Quoting leegirl_jm:


I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 


Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.
IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.

i am on the fence with what you guys are saying. i couldn't DARE be with a man who doesn't have any input on a custody change with my daughter, and i wouldn't dare be with a man who doesn't want my input on the idea of a custody change with one of his kids and for hte maritial relationship, if the parents are "on their own" then whats the point of having a marriage. it would definately make me NOT want to have any kids with them. cause if you can't parent the kids you have NOW together, how you gonna do it for another child?




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:01 PM
DH didn't deserve custody from the very beginning and I married under that condition. I know when DH decided to get marry and have other children, he made the final decision on any custody change involving SS.
Quoting annabl1970:

You mean BP wouldn't pursue the custody, if SP doesn't approve it?

Then that particular BP doesn't deserve the custody in the first place.



Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see your point but I have found that there can be influence in saying 'You are on your own with this'. 

Quoting annabl1970:

I never would encourage DH to get custody, and I never would discourage him to do so, if there were valid reasons for change of custody.


IMO the decision to ask for custody should be ONLY of BPs, without any influence from SPs. If DH decides to go for custody, he should be ready to take full responsibility for the outcome.





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)