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Holding on to the past

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:53 AM
  • 11 Replies



SS12 who we have residential custody has been starting problems between bm and dh.  He's lying to both parents and each one of them refuses to talk the other.  BM also refuses to believe that her son is anything but perfect eventhough he lies, steals money and sneaks candy in the middle of the night.  Just recently he started hanging pictures of his old family pictures of when dh and bm were still married.  Fine.  He needs some comfort.  I can deal with that since it is in his room.  However, I noticed the other day that he is wearing his fathers old wedding ring on a necklace.  DH had told me years ago that he gave it to BM after the divorce so she could pawn it.  I guess not!  My question is how healthy is it to hold onto the past and to what extent?  He is living in a false reality that his parents are going to get back together despite the lectures DH has given him.  He is extremely difficult to blend into this family.  When we all go out he pouts until DH goes off alone with him ultimately leaving me alone with our other children (3 girls) and also disrupting our attempts to connect us.  We started him in counseling...again.  Hopefully it works.  What would you do if you have to see pictures of the ex wife everyday and the old wedding ban?  How do you suck it up and be fine with it?

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:53 AM
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 9:58 AM

I am a CoD ... and, for very selfish reasons, I'd love my parents back together. Most CoDs do ... not as in really wanting the back together ... but they realise that the "old system" was better for them (which, in most cases, it was ... from THEIR perspective).

Could it be that your SS is merely rebelling? Maybe he doesn't want to be "blended" or "connected" the way you and your DH want to.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:03 AM
Dh still has his wedding band and intends on giving it to one of the boys when they're older. We both have pasts regardless. If one of the boys was rubbing it in my face daily I'd have a problem with it. If he's just wearing it to wear it and keeping the pictures in his room that's another thing.
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by Le Bonjour Chat on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:03 AM

How long have DH and BM been divorced?

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:17 AM

DH and BM have been divorced for seven years.  I have been the SM for five.  He doesn't rub his past in my face but I just get concerned that holding on that hard is going to throw him into a depression.  He also makes comments where he doesn't understand why his mother can't move into the house and I move to my mothers house.  They moved into my house!  I try to spend time with him.  I always help him with homework and he loves baking so we do that.  Just when I think we are good he retreats.  It's almost like he got nervous that he had a good time with me.  I think this is just one of those things where time will heal.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:17 AM

His father and mother are not really his past, they are his present. The fact that they were married to each other is not really his "past" either. 

My DD has worn her father's wedding ring as a thumb ring. My Ex never wore his ring, but he had one, and I kept it in my jewelry box. One day my DD-then-19 or so saw it and asked about it. I said, "here, you can have it." I have seen her wearing it as a thumb ring. It never occurred to me that she wanted us back together or that she was living in the past. But the fact that her father and mother were once married is more like her "history" than her past. 

I have pictures of my kids as babies, when I look at them, am I living in the past?

I think you might be making too much out of this picture and wedding ring thing. There is no false reality here that I can see, based on what you wrote. Your SS's history is not a false reality.

As for his wanting to spend time alone with dad, I see nothing wrong with that. It's good for the two of them to spend time alone together.

I would not focus too much on getting him to "blend" into the family. He and his dad were a family before you came along and they are still a family. Just be nice to him, respect his view of his family, and maybe in time, you and he will become closer. These things take time, you cant rush them.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:32 AM
my ss used to have two pics of bm and dh in his room. But they removed them themselves.
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:39 AM
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SS is at the age where he's beginning to reason things out on his own.  If the pictures are in his room that's ok and part of the "process".  If he's wearing his dad's old wedding ring on a necklace, that's ok too.  12 is a tough age and he's trying to make sense of everything that has happened and that includes mementos of the past.  This isn't necessarily a "bad thing", but if the behavior escalates then there may be something else going on as well.  It' probably would be a good idea to get him into counseling, only because it would give him someone to vent to that won't get their feelings hurt (like BM or his dad).  In time he will make sense and hopefully peace with all of this.  Good luck

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:43 AM

That is a good way to see it.  It's not the past it's the history and the present.  I don't have a problem with him wanting these things.  It's just hard to watch him want these things back.  DH and him spend time together alone but it just seems like it is never enough.  My daughters would like to spend time with him too.  DH doesn't realize how much he is the center of all of this! lol!  I just wish DH and BM would actually talk. BM just rants and DH can't get a word in.  They are always at each other's throats especially recently.  Hmm...maybe that is why he just recently started this.  Ok that makes sense.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:46 AM
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Quoting Allison427:

I just wish DH and BM would actually talk. BM just rants and DH can't get a word in.  They are always at each other's throats especially recently.  

yes, if they could talk, that would really improve things alot.

sometimes I wish there was something like "divorced couples counseling." Like marriage counseling only for divorced people so they could work together as coparents.  Maybe there is such a thing? But obviously both parties would have to agree that they need it.

by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 10:51 AM

I personally don't see a problem with it. DH gave BM his wedding ring for SS6 (which she hocked) and I am holding onto old family pictures for both sd and ss when they are older-DH wished to trash them but it's still a part of the kids' life.

Just hang in there-it'll get better with some counsiling .

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