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Sparenting a Teenager

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:22 PM
  • 5 Replies

Hello!  I'm new here and came to the board because I'm facing some pretty serious issues at home.  My dh and IA have been married almost a year.  He has a 17 (almost 18) yo son that is now living with us (again).

The major issue is that there aree no boundaries or consequences for sson's actions at ALL.  There is not one time that I can ask Sson to do something around the house, that I don't have to ask several more times to get it done even halfway right.  He KNOWS not to leave the kitchen/bathroom/livingroom messy, but each and every time I need to go to his dad or ask him to pick up again.  He was recently arrested for his part in stealing from an elementary school, has been in court for truancy, has gotten In-School-Suspension twice this year already and is failing every class.  He has stolen alcohol from our bar, he leaves the house for days without permission, he's got a terrible attitude.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  Recently, when I expressed to his father that I was emotionally stressed from the exposure to all of this (I've just recently had a miscarriage - our second- as well) he asked me "what has he done to YOU?" , and that made me feel like my comfort and enjoyment of our home was not important at all.  His behavior is so bad that he got his mother thrown out of her apt.  Prior to that, her roommate just up and moved out with no notice because he could not handle living with Sson, and then he threatened Sson'smothers life becauswe Sson had apparently stolen from him as well.

I do not feel that anyone with average intelligence should have to be constantly reminded how to do anything.  It really feels like passive aggressive behavior to intentionally make me upset.  I've gotten to the point that I don't want to even deal with Sson anylonger, I'd rather just pick up everything on my own, but then I get resentful that I have to constantly clean especially after coming home from work,grocery shopping,preparing meals, taking care of the house. 

The fact that all of his recent bad behavior goes without any consequences at home is paramount to my frustration.  My main complaint is that when he takes off for days, or in dealing with the recent jail issue, my husband has been an emotional wreck.  Bad dreams, crying, staying awake hoping he'll come home...and yet, when he does finally show up, nothing happens.  Just  "don't do it again".  And then he does it again.  And again.  Just last week he left the house after we went to bed  to go to a friends house to get "cigarettes".  He said he left without permision because he knew his dad wouldn't let him have any, and he stayed out because he diden't want to get yelled at for doing it.  So nothing happened.  He was told to get his missing assignments done before the end of this grading period, and he produced some papers for his dad and said they were some of the missing assignments.  Well, his dad was very happy.  The problem is none of thosse assignments got turned in, so I'm thinking they were old assignments and not what was due.  Just stuff he still had that was already turned in.  But when I check on the computer to see what's been turned in and what's still missing....DH does nothing about it.  just lets it ride.  

How would any of you handle this situation? Or does anyone have experience with how to stepparent a teenager?  I do not want anything negative to happen to my relationship with my husband.  I love him completely; but I am very frustrated and stressed at home.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:22 PM
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Replies (1-5):
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:32 PM

 Believe me, there's nothing you can do.  His dad ignores it and your best bet is to look the other direction, yourself the stress and take care of yourself...

by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:38 PM

 teenagers are a joy. my own ds14 does the needing to be nagged then doing a  half ass job and also doesnt do well in school (no legal troubles, alcohol or drug abuse or sex yet, no running the streets)

the issue here is your SO's handling of it. idk what you can do about it, but its not working. i would recommend counseling for you alone, also you and dh, and if you can get the kid to go that would be great, and disengaging in the meanwhile. dont do for the skid, make him deal with it. if he makes a mess, scoop it all up and put it in his room. speak to him only in passing politely. leave the discipline, shopping, anything to SO.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:41 PM

 Fuck counseling. Drink wine and count the days.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:52 PM

Thank you for the advise.  I am in counseling - counselor is on vacation ribht now.  UGH.  I told my dh the other day that we were going to need counseling together if our marriage was going to make it.  I'll talk with dh about disingaging and hopefully he won't be too hurt.  I know he would love it if we could be "happy famillies" but without any boundaries and the level of disrespect...I'm sinking.

by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:01 PM

I don't think you can "stepparent" this teenager. He is basically your roommate. He's almost an adult, there would be no "parenting" done on your part. What you need are better roommate rules. Ask your husband to clean up after him. As far as school goes, there is nothing you can do about that, so it's best not to even think about it.

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