Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

I have been gone from you guys for awhile......and now I am back because.......

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 10:10 AM
  • 6 Replies

Things had really calmed down for me and the family.

The 17yoa skid that I have had countless problems with seemed to be doing so much better.  I had disengaged and was trying to allow my husband to parent her.  I made no decisions for her small or big and our relationship was getting better.  She was basacially allowed to go as she pleased.  She of course had to check in with us but we truely believed that she had changed and was better.  We let her go be a teenager.  Then......

I started to suspect she was drinking again.  I still in the disgenging mode advised my husband.  I knew for a fact she was driving the car after she had been drinking.  She was not coming home sloshed but that is far from the point. 

He in his typical fashion.......did nothing.  But so did I.  I allowed it to go on for four months.  Then I started to suspect  that she was starting to smoke pot.  I again advised my husband.  He did nothing. 

So, me being me........found enough evidence for him not to be able to deny it any longer.  It forced him to act.  He did his normal kumbaya act and never got mad at her.  Never showed any emotion......actually said the words to her, "this is your free pass."  If you do it again........and never finished the statement because I could not sit back any longer. 

I yelled, got her to admit the real truth,  and took the car.  She had admitted to smoking it every week for the last four months.  She also admitted to smoking it and driving in the car I gave her.

We went to the beach for Thanksgiving.  The original plan was that 17yoa was to come back with me bc I had to work and so did she.  However, due to the new enlightening news of her drug use, I told my husband that I was not going to be responsible for her.  I had plans on Saturday to go to the football game and would not be home before 2-3am.  I could not drive her to work and I would be damned if I was going to allow her to be unsupervised for more than 15 hours home alone.  He was to figure it out. 

They decided to come back early.  He talked to her on Saturday while I was at the game.  He then took her on Sunday to talk at his shop.  When they got back.........he and I were talking outside and she came out and announced she was going to go live with her mother.  (Her mother has been completely out of her life for approx 6 years.  Away from her for 8 years.  Her mother is a meth addict). 

At that point, We brought her up to the bedroom, tried to talk to her one more time.........she turned the tides on me.  I was the reason her life sucked so bad, I never do anything for her, blah blah blah.  I gave her numerous examples of how I have bent over backwards to provide her the best life I can........etc. 

She said I want to go.  I in a fit of anger and it being my last straw......I said let's go!  I grabbed my purse, took the telephone number (we do not know where she lives)......and was ready to take her. 

What was my husband doing?........Nothing.  Standing there. 

I told skid to grab her toothbrush.......she said I have to pack a bag.  Nope......let's go.  Husband got his phone and went on to the front porch where I was waiting for skid. 

He said I can't make this phone call.  I know what will happen if she goes to live with her.......she will never amount to anything......at least here she has a chance.  I shrugged my shoulder and asked what he was going to do.  He started to cry, saying I can't do this.  I got hostile and yelled at him.......go parent your child!  Go tell her what you want!  Go tell her what you expect!  Go be a Dad!  (umm....hello?!?)

He walked back inside, told her I can't do this.  Said I love you too much.  She responded.......I hate you and stormed upstairs and slammed her door.

He didn't know what to do.  He kept asking me what he should do.  I refused to tell him.  Husband and I have been fighting off and on (really more like blow-ups when I have had enough every couple of months or so).  I do it all.  I am not exaggerating.  I work two jobs, pay the bills, clean the house, do the yardwork, help with homework, do the doctor appointments, get the kids where they need to be, cook all the meals, I handle all discipline with the children........he does nothing.  (Hence why I disengaged with discipline.......he needs to be a part).  Bc of all this......I get tired.  I get exhausted.  I get aggravated.  When I have enough......I blow up......tell him all of this.......he promises to change......is good for a month........then I remind him for a couple of weeks......and then poof.......back into doing nothing again. 

Back to the story at hand...........he kept asking me what to do........I would not tell him anything.  I listened but would not offer advice.  I wasn't being ugly.  He says I am going to go call my mom.  She didnt offer much other than I am sorry.  He came back in, what do I do?  Still me not offering anything.......I am going to call her aunt.  He called her aunt.  Her aunt came to come get her.  They talked.  Skid decided she would be stupid to go live with her mom.  Came home, hugged her dad.  Said I am sorry.  Ignored me all together.  Aunt called husband.  Aunt said your daughter resents the fact that (I) do all the punishing and you do nothing.  That skid hates (me) and that I do nothing for her.....blah blah blah. 

I looked at him and said, I told you so.  I know it was a kick while he was down......but I couldnt help it.  I also told him enough was enough.  I could not remain at the house any longer if he didnt change.  We have 5 other children.  I will not have another skid that acts the way 17 yoa does.  He has completely allowed her to become what she is.  I have only kept her reigned in to a certain point.

Why wouldn't this kid hate me?  I am the bad guy.  I tell her how it is.  What I expect and have held her to those standards for the 8 years we have been together.  The point is..........it isnt my place.......it is her father's.  What do I do when he wont father?  I stopped mothering.......and it got us to alcohol and drugs.......

I am lost.

by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 10:10 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-6):
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 10:47 AM

Hopefully this is the wake up call that will get DH moving. It's sad that SD doesn't feel that you do anything for her. Maybe she should be reminded about who cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes, pays bills all so she and the other kids can eat, have a roof over their heads and not live in filth. Kids naturally take that stuff for granted, but this girl is getting ready to head out into the real world soon. She needs to be made aware of these things before they bite her in the ass soon.

KellyReedy
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

wow.  i wish you lots of luck and patience!!

happyfeet215
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 11:24 AM

I have tried to teach her "those" things to the best of my ability.  She has never lived in the real world and has a sense of entitlement.  But I have brought her back down to reality when she has needed it.  I can be overbearing when they are doing wrong, it is a fault of mine.  But when they are doing right, I monitor from afar.....let them live.  It took I long time and reading alot of posts here to get me the disengaing mindset.  I prayed, hoped, and prayed and hoped that it would help.  And it did work on the surface for a long time.  But it was just the surface not the real reality.  As far as DH,  we have been here before......the other 14yoa skid messed up big time........which turned out to be the best thing in the world for her.  But......again......one month semi-tough guy (I use that term loosely) and then poof he is gone again. 

sassy711
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 11:53 AM
1 mom liked this

DH needs to man up and be a parent for the sake of his kids.  It's kind of apparent that he won't and HE has allowed you to become the bad guy.  You and DH need to get into counseling ASAP.  DH never listened to you and LET this all happen.  Maybe if he hears everything you've been saying from someone else he'll get it, maybe not.  You've done and done and now you are done.  Don't do for this child anymore.  Take your car from her, nothing of yours is to be used by her.  Let DH figure all of this out...he's created the mess and now he has to clean it up.  not your kid, not your responsibility.  SD needs counseling ASAP too.

I'm not trying to sound mean or harsh, but it's been years and he hasn't changed and he probably won't unless something drastic happens.  What's it gonna take?  The other kids getting into this kind of trouble because he's not being a parent?  The responsibility for everything that's gone wrong is HIS, he needs to be a parent but hasn't been.

From the 17 year old perspective: she's probably engaging in this bad behavior because deep down she wants her DAD to do his job, but he kept passing the buck.  What the aunt reported back to DH should be a huge clue.  The kid is po because dad is a wuss (maybe maybe not, but in her mind) and someone HAS to be at fault.  She can't/won't blame dad so it's you.  This really rots for you and I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  It may get to the point that you need to decide what's best for you and your kids.  I'll pray for you.

rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 12:05 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry. Hopefully dad will wake up and be the father she is crying out for.

Charli627
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 10:17 PM
I hope things get better
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)