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Parental Abuse...I feel like I am alone :'(

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I have been suffering physical abuse from my DSS8 for years now. Its progressively getting worse. Sunday he decided that its time for me to die. He wants to kill me. My DH ended having to call of work for a couple of days while we desperately tried to get help. We finally had him admitted back into the mental hospital here. This is his third stay in 6months. He told the Dr he wants me to die and he will kill me the next chance he gets because I stick him in timeout. He has been physical abusing me for years now, but now its really out of control and I can't hide the bruises, whelps anymore. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel alone and cant find a support group for the life of me. Please don't bash me. If anyone knows of any support groups PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 11:38 PM
Replies (41-50):
YesImMomToo
by on Dec. 2, 2012 at 10:42 PM

 I am calling B.S. on your story.

A 4 YO isn't capable of murder so either you've done too many narcs and are super paranoid or you're telling one whopping of a story.

No more cookies for the troll

Quoting cailliermommy:

I don't understand it either. His 2nd stay at the hospital was because he tried to kill me DD4 (she was 3 at the time) I don't know why they aren't more serious about it. He is doing his best to support our family and I am the main caregiver at home.

Quoting sandeeyo:

I don't know how to take this post because I'm a little confused how an 8 year-old tells a Dr that he's gonna kill someone and then is RELEASED from the hospital???

What is your DH doing about all this?

 

 

cailliermommy
by on Dec. 2, 2012 at 11:44 PM

I understand that if I was an unconcerned CSM that used corporal punishment I would be a POS. But sense I have devoted myself to taking care of these children( WITHOUT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT) that need to know and feel that they are loved and cared for then I am just a BS CSM.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:18 AM
I wouldn't have my bio children in that situation. Dangerous.
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blondepegasus
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:21 AM
2 moms liked this
As someone who used to work professionally as the director of a group home with youth aged 5-18 who had been removed from their homes for violent offenses toward their parents and other family members, I can assure those who don't believe this poster's story that everything she has said is entirely possible. Extreme violence perpetrated by young children is widely prevalent in our society.

I also used to teach staff how to safely restrain youth when they became physically violent. It's possible, but difficult and draining. Plus it's recommended that two people do it in tandem for the safest results. Verbal intervention along with the physical restraint is necessary to "talk the child down," otherwise they just regroup and rest up and come out of the restraint as strong and aggressive as ever and it's a vicious cycle that can last for hours or even days. It takes massive training to do appropriately and safely. Plus, what becomes of the other children in the household who need care and attention while this intervention is taking place?

OP, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It's one of the most difficult things a parent will ever face and it's extremely hard to get appropriate help. It does sound like he would be a perfect candidate for a group home setting that is designed to provide intensive therapy, behavior modification, and monitoring of meds so he can get the help he needs and become a productive member of the family and society.
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Refurbished
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:20 AM

My God, you are completely nuts.  Would you just stop?  I don't know why you think you need to twist around everything I say, take great offense to things that aren't meant to be offensive and then turn around and be incredibly nasty while simultaneously telling me to be polite.

And thank you.  All those private messages were psycho.  I'm glad you have decided to stop.

Quoting Seychelles1409:


Ah, now I remember you.  Apparently, your title hadn't stayed in my mind.   You are the adult who calls people names on this site; you don't, however, have the right to tell me or anyone else what to respond to or comment on.   I have no intention, however, of sending you a private message.   As for being the thought police?  What an odd idea.  Certainly not. 
Quoting Refurbished:

Could you please stop responding to my posts, and for the love of God please don't send me any more of your crazy private messages. I'm really tired of you trying to be the thought police on this board. 

Quoting Seychelles1409:


What a rude reply!   I did not urge the OP to "sit around and talk about it" instead of getting herself out of harm's way.  Her SS is currently in a HOSPITAL so for the time being she is SAFE.   First I told her not to be embarrassed or ashamed; second, I suggested counseling and/or a support group; and third I wrote that she should NOT stay in the same house as her SS when he gets OUT of the hospital because she would not be safe 
Quoting Refurbished:

If someone's threatening your life you can't sit around and talk about it -- you need to get up and get yourself out of that situation immediately, then worry about sorting out your emotions over it after you are safe.

Quoting Seychelles1409:



Of course, she needs a support group!!  How can you possibly tell her she doesn't?   Yes, a group would tell her to go where she would be safe, but a group could also help with the emotional damage that has been done to her.  Having her life threatened in her own home by a family member is devastating emotinally.  She probably cannot relax for having to constantly be on her guard when this child is in her home.   I would imagine she is depressed, sad, and anxious.   She came to this site because she couldn't talk about this problem to anyone in her life.  She needs someone to talk to; counseling and support groups are exactly what she needs.   Shame on you for so glibly saying "that's all a support group would tell you anyway," but maybe you have had a bad experience with couseling.
Quoting Refurbished:
I don't think you need a support group -- you need to leave.  That's all that a support group would tell you anyway.  Never, ever stay in any situation where your life is being threatened. 

Are you custodial or noncustodial? 







SavesSpiders
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:52 AM

I have the same advice or ask at the hospital where your SS is for a recommended therapist or group.  Please take care of yourself and lean on our group if you need to vent.  

Quoting anotherhalf:

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  If you google "parents of abusive children" several sites come up.  It looks like safe4all.org has a forum for parents in your situation.  Good luck.


LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:24 PM
Sd10 has been violent toward ds4 since he was about 4 months old. She has ADHD and odd. She is on an antipsychotic med and focalin. She came after me when I was prego with ds1. She tried to hit me in the stomach. I pushed her away. She is not very big at all. She continued hurting ds4 but left me alone.

Over the summer psychiatrist wanted to commit her. Bm and Dh would not agree to this even though they are fully aware of the abuse.
I told Dh if she did not stop I would take the boys and leave.
I told SD, bm, and Dh in front of therapist that if she hurt either one again, I would press charges. She has not touched anyone in my home since.
She is not allowed to be alone in a room or outside with either or both of the boys. She is not to correct them, touch them or speak to them in anytbing other than a polite manner. I have disengaged in most everything but this because it concerns my children.
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tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 7:43 AM

 Until someone has experienced it they really cant understand. Yes kids that age can be abusive.  Usually they have learned it from someone.. even violent video games, movies etc.. diminsh their compassion for people.   Even at that young age they can attack, bite, scratch, kick in anger. Even trying to hold a child off like that you can in turn bruise them or scratch them so it makes it hard to contorl. Anyone would normally feel inadequate for not being able to control a child of this age but yes it happens.  He needs a good counselor.  One who will lay it on the line and tell him that YES the police will take him away for abuse,  Yes he can be taken to hospital because he is dangerous.   The child has some serious issues and needs help .. hes got to be very angry inside and it cant be good for him either.   No support group is going to help you tolerate it.. the child needs a strict counselor. 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 7:53 AM


Quoting tiredmama42:

 Until someone has experienced it they really cant understand. Yes kids that age can be abusive.  Usually they have learned it from someone.. even violent video games, movies etc.. diminsh their compassion for people.   Even at that young age they can attack, bite, scratch, kick in anger. Even trying to hold a child off like that you can in turn bruise them or scratch them so it makes it hard to contorl. Anyone would normally feel inadequate for not being able to control a child of this age but yes it happens.  He needs a good counselor.  One who will lay it on the line and tell him that YES the police will take him away for abuse,  Yes he can be taken to hospital because he is dangerous.   The child has some serious issues and needs help .. hes got to be very angry inside and it cant be good for him either.   No support group is going to help you tolerate it.. the child needs a strict counselor. 

Not all violence is abuse. Violence is abuse when the person receiving the violence feels they can't leave and must submit to it because they have no choice - because the perpetrator is in control. An example is a wife who feels she can't leave her marraige, and is subjected to repeated violence, with no place to go. An 8yo can't abuse his parents because the parents are supposed to be in control. This SM did not need to subject herself to this child's volence. Therefore she was not the victim of abuse.

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:11 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:

 

Quoting tiredmama42:

 Until someone has experienced it they really cant understand. Yes kids that age can be abusive.  Usually they have learned it from someone.. even violent video games, movies etc.. diminsh their compassion for people.   Even at that young age they can attack, bite, scratch, kick in anger. Even trying to hold a child off like that you can in turn bruise them or scratch them so it makes it hard to contorl. Anyone would normally feel inadequate for not being able to control a child of this age but yes it happens.  He needs a good counselor.  One who will lay it on the line and tell him that YES the police will take him away for abuse,  Yes he can be taken to hospital because he is dangerous.   The child has some serious issues and needs help .. hes got to be very angry inside and it cant be good for him either.   No support group is going to help you tolerate it.. the child needs a strict counselor. 

Not all violence is abuse. Violence is abuse when the person receiving the violence feels they can't leave and must submit to it because they have no choice - because the perpetrator is in control. An example is a wife who feels she can't leave her marraige, and is subjected to repeated violence, with no place to go. An 8yo can't abuse his parents because the parents are supposed to be in control. This SM did not need to subject herself to this child's volence. Therefore she was not the victim of abuse.

I need to disagree with you on this.   I am a survivor of domestic violence.  My child witnessed it.  Children absorb the most between the ages of 4 and 5.  Which mentally impairs them on how to relate to people.  The see it as NORMAL.  That thinking needs to be corrected.   This is more common in boys than girls.   I would have felt like a idiot calling the cops on a 8 year old but I had numerous counselors suggest it and promote it.   When they are attacking you you have to be careful because they are a minor, spanking which alot of people still believe in is not the option in this case because it would again show him its ok to hit.  Its not ok for them to hit anyone so you have to try tactics to show them different.    My family went thru hell with the domestic violence and in turn it took 4 years of intense therapy and counselors to get him on the right track again.   Doesnt sound like the BM in this case is a good parental influence.  This SM has stuck by and I am sure trying different teqniques to break the cycle of violence.  I will say my son is a different child now and I never gave up on him I did whatever I could to help him.   He needed to be shown how to express his anger without hurting people physically or with words.    

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