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Parental Abuse...I feel like I am alone :'(

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I have been suffering physical abuse from my DSS8 for years now. Its progressively getting worse. Sunday he decided that its time for me to die. He wants to kill me. My DH ended having to call of work for a couple of days while we desperately tried to get help. We finally had him admitted back into the mental hospital here. This is his third stay in 6months. He told the Dr he wants me to die and he will kill me the next chance he gets because I stick him in timeout. He has been physical abusing me for years now, but now its really out of control and I can't hide the bruises, whelps anymore. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel alone and cant find a support group for the life of me. Please don't bash me. If anyone knows of any support groups PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 11:38 PM
Replies (61-70):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:40 AM


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


In my opinion, your resoonse here sort of is the reason so many people continue to not speak up. A child being abusive is hardly treated as plausible and turned around to be the parents fault. There are sick kids out there and it takes a lot of work. I assume (as I was abused by my x) that the OP thought things would get better with maturity or time and age. Some people think the best, especially when it is situational or isn't happening every day. One day you wake up and realize, it's not getting better and  the changes you've made within yourself to cope. Sometimes waking up takes an event. Sometimes it is events over time.

I don't think this child was abusive. I think he was violent.

In abuse situations you have a victim. I don't believe the OP was a victim.


Replace "target" with "victim" and it may make more sense. Abusers have a target. It doesn't mean the targets are victims. An adult can be the target of a child's violence and that would make it abuse. If its repetitive. Children can be very abusive. Sad. 

the target is the person that the kid is throwing a chair at?

It's semantics. this 8yo (and since he was 5yo) did not systematically attempt to marginalize and control the OP the way an abuser would. He was simply having tantrums because he has some kind of disorder that can be treated (hopefully).

Children can abuse animals. They can pull the wings off insects; that is abuse. They can drown pupplies. They can snap a hamster's neck. They can even abuse other children. They can beat up smaller kids in the playground.

But no one can "abuse" someone who is in a position of authority over them. Acts of violence againts someone who is in a position of authority are not abuse.

Bottom line - the OP is not a victim and she can pick herself up and take the control she should have had in the first place. She can EASILY avoid all childcare responsibilities for this child and she should have done that a long time ago.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:42 AM


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:



I have not met a parent who doesn't want to see their children through rosé colored lenses. A parent should be in charge, doesn't make it so. I have seen countless families where the child runs the home thriugh manipulation or tantrums. Why is it hard to believe a child can have rage against an adult? It happens all the time. Ask a teacher about chairs being thrown and swearing or threats occurring at school. 

Well, now maybe the parents can up their game and get their child some help, and stop pretending there is nothing wrong with him.

of course children can have rages against adults, and this child obviously did, and has for several years. I am not disputing that the violence happened. I am saying it is not abuse, and the OP is not a victim of abuse. She simply kept exposing herself to his violence for some unknown reason, and the parents kept turning a blind eye to  his disorder.

You are undermining by not calling it what it is. If she was the target then it's abuse.

No, I am empowering her by telling her to take control. Don't expose yourself to violence, and say 'oh I am a victim." Nope. You were not. Unless of course, you wanted to be, for some reason.

sassy711
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:46 AM

If I read this correctly, the BM is either in jail or going to jail.  The child has been this way for years and has been in counseling (apparently not working), has been admitted as an inpatient in the past and released. 

This SM can probably physically subdue the child, but making that choice will likely land her in jail. What is she supposed to do when confronted by a violent child, reply in kind?  Picture it...SS becomes violent, SM calls the law to the house, SM tells the cops all about SS's violence and past behavior. Who do you think the law is going to believe at first?  Additionally, SM may be scared of leaving her children alone with this child (can't blame her).  This is a no-win situation for SM and her kids.  DH is at fault for this by allowing the SS to continue the violence.  Knee jerk reaction to this situation is to fight back when being assaulted, but this is a child and the SM knows that and therefore is restraining herself (maybe).  A raging child is difficult to restrain without some type of physical contact and can become even more dangerous.  Sounds as if SM is trying to get this kid help, and by using time out instead of corporal punishment (hitting), trying to model non-violent solutions. 

So sorry for your situation momma.  The thing is that you've tried to help this kid, but now it's at the cost of you and your kids.  DH and HIS son are placing you and your children in harm's way and you may need to leave or refuse to have SS in your home.  Another option is for you and DH to take some type of class that focuses on non-violent restraint methods that 1 person can implement.  You need to legally protect yourself as well...document everything.  Finally, please think about what effect this cycle of violence is having on your kids.  This is not good for them.  I'm sorry, but you and your kids may need to leave your home.  This would make DH the sole person to care for SS.  I'll pray for you and your kids.  Good luck

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:55 AM

no, she should do what any childcare provider should do in that situation. Decline to watch the child.

Quoting sassy711:

This SM can probably physically subdue the child, but making that choice will likely land her in jail. What is she supposed to do when confronted by a violent child, reply in kind?  

Troubleswife
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:00 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


In my opinion, your resoonse here sort of is the reason so many people continue to not speak up. A child being abusive is hardly treated as plausible and turned around to be the parents fault. There are sick kids out there and it takes a lot of work. I assume (as I was abused by my x) that the OP thought things would get better with maturity or time and age. Some people think the best, especially when it is situational or isn't happening every day. One day you wake up and realize, it's not getting better and  the changes you've made within yourself to cope. Sometimes waking up takes an event. Sometimes it is events over time.

I don't think this child was abusive. I think he was violent.

In abuse situations you have a victim. I don't believe the OP was a victim.


Replace "target" with "victim" and it may make more sense. Abusers have a target. It doesn't mean the targets are victims. An adult can be the target of a child's violence and that would make it abuse. If its repetitive. Children can be very abusive. Sad. 

the target is the person that the kid is throwing a chair at?

It's semantics. this 8yo (and since he was 5yo) did not systematically attempt to marginalize and control the OP the way an abuser would. He was simply having tantrums because he has some kind of disorder that can be treated (hopefully).

Children can abuse animals. They can pull the wings off insects; that is abuse. They can drown pupplies. They can snap a hamster's neck. They can even abuse other children. They can beat up smaller kids in the playground.

But no one can "abuse" someone who is in a position of authority over them. Acts of violence againts someone who is in a position of authority are not abuse.

Bottom line - the OP is not a victim and she can pick herself up and take the control she should have had in the first place. She can EASILY avoid all childcare responsibilities for this child and she should have done that a long time ago.

I think you need to rethink your definituon of abuse.


tr.v. a·buseda·bus·inga·bus·es
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
n. (-bys)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.



There is nothin (even in other variations of the definition) that ties abuse to comtrol. maybe target isnt the best word either but recipient. A child has far more power over situations than you give credit. Yes, the recipient/target/victim is the person the kid is throwing the chair at.


There was a preschool teacher of my daughter that was subjected to abuse by a 4 year old girl. My daughter would come home and tell me all the rotten things this kid did to this teacher and other kiddos. She was abusing people. Mostly the teacher though. It ended with the teacher getting a broken foot and the student expelled. When I spoke to her about it later, she was a very sweet older grandma type, she was just so broken hearted for this little girl. Her parents where going thriugh a divorce and she was trying to provide stability and love. It was a Christian school. She was the target of this girls anger and physically and emotionally abused this teacher for about 3 months. It was very sad. 



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:04 AM


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


In my opinion, your resoonse here sort of is the reason so many people continue to not speak up. A child being abusive is hardly treated as plausible and turned around to be the parents fault. There are sick kids out there and it takes a lot of work. I assume (as I was abused by my x) that the OP thought things would get better with maturity or time and age. Some people think the best, especially when it is situational or isn't happening every day. One day you wake up and realize, it's not getting better and  the changes you've made within yourself to cope. Sometimes waking up takes an event. Sometimes it is events over time.

I don't think this child was abusive. I think he was violent.

In abuse situations you have a victim. I don't believe the OP was a victim.


Replace "target" with "victim" and it may make more sense. Abusers have a target. It doesn't mean the targets are victims. An adult can be the target of a child's violence and that would make it abuse. If its repetitive. Children can be very abusive. Sad. 

the target is the person that the kid is throwing a chair at?

It's semantics. this 8yo (and since he was 5yo) did not systematically attempt to marginalize and control the OP the way an abuser would. He was simply having tantrums because he has some kind of disorder that can be treated (hopefully).

Children can abuse animals. They can pull the wings off insects; that is abuse. They can drown pupplies. They can snap a hamster's neck. They can even abuse other children. They can beat up smaller kids in the playground.

But no one can "abuse" someone who is in a position of authority over them. Acts of violence againts someone who is in a position of authority are not abuse.

Bottom line - the OP is not a victim and she can pick herself up and take the control she should have had in the first place. She can EASILY avoid all childcare responsibilities for this child and she should have done that a long time ago.

I think you need to rethink your definituon of abuse.



tr.v. a·buseda·bus·inga·bus·es
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
n. (-bys)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.



There is nothin (even in other variations of the definition) that ties abuse to comtrol. maybe target isnt the best word either but recipient. A child has far more power over situations than you give credit. Yes, the recipient/target/victim is the person the kid is throwing the chair at.


There was a preschool teacher of my daughter that was subjected to abuse by a 4 year old girl. My daughter would come home and tell me all the rotten things this kid did to this teacher and other kiddos. She was abusing people. Mostly the teacher though. It ended with the teacher getting a broken foot and the student expelled. When I spoke to her about it later, she was a very sweet older grandma type, she was just so broken hearted for this little girl. Her parents where going thriugh a divorce and she was trying to provide stability and love. It was a Christian school. She was the target of this girls anger and physically and emotionally abused this teacher for about 3 months. It was very sad. 



Well, whatever. If the OP wants to be a victim and cry poor me, this 8yo is beating me up and there's nothing I can do, so be it.

I really have no use for whiners.

(not the OP is whining, hopefully she realizes she was in a position of power all along and will no longer be passive about this).

Troubleswife
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:13 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Troubleswife:


In my opinion, your resoonse here sort of is the reason so many people continue to not speak up. A child being abusive is hardly treated as plausible and turned around to be the parents fault. There are sick kids out there and it takes a lot of work. I assume (as I was abused by my x) that the OP thought things would get better with maturity or time and age. Some people think the best, especially when it is situational or isn't happening every day. One day you wake up and realize, it's not getting better and  the changes you've made within yourself to cope. Sometimes waking up takes an event. Sometimes it is events over time.

I don't think this child was abusive. I think he was violent.

In abuse situations you have a victim. I don't believe the OP was a victim.


Replace "target" with "victim" and it may make more sense. Abusers have a target. It doesn't mean the targets are victims. An adult can be the target of a child's violence and that would make it abuse. If its repetitive. Children can be very abusive. Sad. 

the target is the person that the kid is throwing a chair at?

It's semantics. this 8yo (and since he was 5yo) did not systematically attempt to marginalize and control the OP the way an abuser would. He was simply having tantrums because he has some kind of disorder that can be treated (hopefully).

Children can abuse animals. They can pull the wings off insects; that is abuse. They can drown pupplies. They can snap a hamster's neck. They can even abuse other children. They can beat up smaller kids in the playground.

But no one can "abuse" someone who is in a position of authority over them. Acts of violence againts someone who is in a position of authority are not abuse.

Bottom line - the OP is not a victim and she can pick herself up and take the control she should have had in the first place. She can EASILY avoid all childcare responsibilities for this child and she should have done that a long time ago.

I think you need to rethink your definituon of abuse.



tr.v. a·buseda·bus·inga·bus·es
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
n. (-bys)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.



There is nothin (even in other variations of the definition) that ties abuse to comtrol. maybe target isnt the best word either but recipient. A child has far more power over situations than you give credit. Yes, the recipient/target/victim is the person the kid is throwing the chair at.


There was a preschool teacher of my daughter that was subjected to abuse by a 4 year old girl. My daughter would come home and tell me all the rotten things this kid did to this teacher and other kiddos. She was abusing people. Mostly the teacher though. It ended with the teacher getting a broken foot and the student expelled. When I spoke to her about it later, she was a very sweet older grandma type, she was just so broken hearted for this little girl. Her parents where going thriugh a divorce and she was trying to provide stability and love. It was a Christian school. She was the target of this girls anger and physically and emotionally abused this teacher for about 3 months. It was very sad. 



Well, whatever. If the OP wants to be a victim and cry poor me, this 8yo is beating me up and there's nothing I can do, so be it.

I really have no use for whiners.

(not the OP is whining, hopefully she realizes she was in a position of power all along and will no longer be passive about this).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse


more for you so you 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:26 AM

Stop quoting dictionary definitions at me. That has nothing to do with this conversation. Alcohol abuse, sexual abuse... what??? yes, the word abuse has all kinds of meanings. In this case, there is no abuse.

Your opinion differs, so let's just agree to disagree.

Lunatic6997
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:27 PM

My nephew is 8 and he too is very violent and physically abusive to his parents. He too spent months in a children's mental hospital. They found with a very strick daily schedule he does better.  I'm so sorry you are going through this! 

rose0919
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:45 PM

what are his counselors saying how to cope with him? is he on any meds? are you getting help from anyone ? what does bf do when he starts this? is bf  even around when ss does this?  is bm in the picture? parental abuse is a very real thing. i suggest you go for counseling and they can send you to who you need to.

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