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DH and I are more lax in some areas than BM, hair dye being one of them. DS almost 10 is currently sporting a 3-4" mohawk, the top half is bleached and he often spikes it with blue or red hair gel. We've told him if he can keep his grades up, keep a good attitude at home, and do his chores without hassle he can dye his mohawk red when report cards come home. They come home December 14th.

DD almost 6 wants a couple purple streaks, so we've told her the same thing about school and home and will put a couple purple streaks in her hair.

SD is 12, she wanted to know if she could have pink streaks. Over the summer we discussed hair dye with BM and she had said she was OK with some highlights that were just a few shades different than SD's hair, but she didn't want her to do anything too drastic. I'm thinking that kinda rules out pink streaks, LOL. DH has joint custody, however he is the CP and BM has chosen to take SD one weekend a month (she's supposed to have EOWE). DH is gonna email BM and see if he can talk her into it, but I don't have high hopes there.

I'd be pretty pissed if someone dyed my kid's hair without my permission, so I don't want to just dye SD's hair and tell BM to deal. But, I also don't want SD to be the only kid who doesn't get something she wants. I also don't want to say "Well, your mom said no, so take it up with her" or anything like that.

Anyways, if BM says no to the pink, SD is gonna  be super bummed and she's gonna figure it out that it was BM who wouldn't let her. I also don't want to tell the other kids that they can't dye their hair if SD can't.

I can't figure out a good way to deal with this situation without it reflecting poorly on BM in some way. Advice, suggestions? 

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:37 AM
Replies (11-20):
Pero1
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this

I had to like your post, not because I agree with you necessarily, but because it is such a good example for differing parenting views. My DD has wanted a "dip dye" for a while now ... that's all they can really get away at her school ... she'd be suspended if she came to school with hair like your DD.

That said .. over my dead body would I allow it. Doesn't make me narrow-minded or not in touch with my child's needs, just like allowing it doesn't make you a negligent trailer trash mom. We merely have different views ... which is why I asked the OP why the truth can't be told. Mom doesn't like it ... tough shit!

Quoting rose0919:

i dont understand the whole no crazy color thing. none of them are permannant.

rose0919
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:45 AM

i understand your point of view. i never would have allowed it either BUT my dd12 has trichotillomania(she pulls her hair out) this was one way of making her aware of her hair and  to stop pulling it(she has almost been bald ) it does work to a point, now she pulls eyelashes and arm hair. i have gotten used to the crazy colors and now i actually like them. i even has a pink streak for a while. 

during christmas break she is going to get it cut again and just do the tips blue and purple. the funny thing is her school is uniforms. but they allow crazy hair. one girls whole head was blue last year. all the kids in her class think im the cool mom for letting her do it. they dont need to know the reason behind it(although her close friends do know and remind her to stop when she is pulling)

Quoting Pero1:

I had to like your post, not because I agree with you necessarily, but because it is such a good example for differing parenting views. My DD has wanted a "dip dye" for a while now ... that's all they can really get away at her school ... she'd be suspended if she came to school with hair like your DD.

That said .. over my dead body would I allow it. Doesn't make me narrow-minded or not in touch with my child's needs, just like allowing it doesn't make you a negligent trailer trash mom. We merely have different views ... which is why I asked the OP why the truth can't be told. Mom doesn't like it ... tough shit!

Quoting rose0919:

i dont understand the whole no crazy color thing. none of them are permannant.


needsupport100
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 10:01 AM

i understand the issue, but honestly, like you said, if it was YOUR kid, you'd be pissed if someone took it upon themselves to dye their hair. well, why don't you wait, see if dad can convince bm to be ok with it. if she isn't then dye your kids hair when the one who's left out is with mom, that way at least the kid isn't sitting in the back ground and just have your dh explain that bm said no, it's the truth.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:36 AM

Wow, way to turn a nice thing into something nasty by being a bitch.

I highly doubt that dying my children's hair somehow makes me a bad parent, seeing as my daughter's therapist was the one to suggest the purple streaks as a way to help her cope with school. I figure if the worst thing I do as a parent is allow my kids to have different colored hair, I'm doing better than a good 75% of the population. And trust me, BM has caused all sorts of issues, real and imaginary. Excuse me for trying to make a somewhat difficult situation easier on everyone.

I just didn't want to put the entire no on BM, while SD is going to see her siblings with different colored hair. 

Quoting HopesNDreams:

BM not wanting her 12 year old to have pink streaks does not reflect badly on her in any way. She would like her child to be a child and look appropriate.
I think you are very lucky that BM has not made any comments that would 'reflect badly' on your choice to let your young children dye their hair.
Why not try those clip in colored hair strands as a compromise?


Annawest
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:59 AM

I think unfortunately, you are going to have to let your SD know that BM isn't okay with the idea of pink streaks.  She already knows that you and your DH are okay with funky colored hair.  To suggest that it isn't "all" BM may be seen as favoritism from your SD point of view.  I'd just let her know that right now BM says no, but if it means that much to you (SD) we can address the situation again in the future. 


meerkat101
by Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Clip-ins. Problem solved.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:09 PM

 can you use that wash out pink dye?

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:05 PM
Pointing out that BM is being generous by not making derogatory comments about your choice to dye your children's hair is no different than you thinking you are being awesome by not blaming her. It is not your child, it is not your choice. SD has her entire adult life to change her hair color. For now, she is a child and it can wait. If you are unaware or unaffected by the impression your son's hair makes on others, that is also irrelevant to SD's situation. Simply put, BM does not want others to fave a negative view of SD due to colored hair. Respect that without judgement just as you would like her to respect your decision without judgement.
Undermining the other parent is not 'being nice' and that is what you are doing when you are trying to put blame anywhere here. You are the adult - just say 'no'. Any discussion is unnecessary and petty.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Wow, way to turn a nice thing into something nasty by being a bitch.

I highly doubt that dying my children's hair somehow makes me a bad parent, seeing as my daughter's therapist was the one to suggest the purple streaks as a way to help her cope with school. I figure if the worst thing I do as a parent is allow my kids to have different colored hair, I'm doing better than a good 75% of the population. And trust me, BM has caused all sorts of issues, real and imaginary. Excuse me for trying to make a somewhat difficult situation easier on everyone.

I just didn't want to put the entire no on BM, while SD is going to see her siblings with different colored hair. 


Quoting HopesNDreams:

BM not wanting her 12 year old to have pink streaks does not reflect badly on her in any way. She would like her child to be a child and look appropriate.

I think you are very lucky that BM has not made any comments that would 'reflect badly' on your choice to let your young children dye their hair.

Why not try those clip in colored hair strands as a compromise?


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pepper504
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:08 PM

I do not get how BM's thoughts on the hair dying subject will reflect poorly on her?  It is what she wants.  If SD12 wants to have streaks, then she needs to take it up with her mother.  Let SD give her mother her point of view as to why she wants the dyed hair.

As an aside, DD15 has had pink streaks in her hair, but they have been temporary and it was sprayed in her hair.  She goes to a Catholic High School and they would not allow such a thing there, but weekends are another thing.  

Sadly, this is what happens when families are split and two different households are raising the kids. 

Mommyof5247
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:19 PM
From experience, don't dye it if BM has created arguments over real or imaginary issues in the past. Use clip-in streaks or temp dye (like for Halloween). DH allowed SD to have a small pink streak in her hair. It was really cute & SD loved it until her mom made fun of her everytime she came over & threatened to cut SD's hair "like a boy".
DH & I never heard one complaint or word from BM about it. Ever. But SD told us everything her mom said & did to her when she visited BM. It was the one thing BM never fought with DH about, but she used it to really hurt SD.
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