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DH and I are more lax in some areas than BM, hair dye being one of them. DS almost 10 is currently sporting a 3-4" mohawk, the top half is bleached and he often spikes it with blue or red hair gel. We've told him if he can keep his grades up, keep a good attitude at home, and do his chores without hassle he can dye his mohawk red when report cards come home. They come home December 14th.

DD almost 6 wants a couple purple streaks, so we've told her the same thing about school and home and will put a couple purple streaks in her hair.

SD is 12, she wanted to know if she could have pink streaks. Over the summer we discussed hair dye with BM and she had said she was OK with some highlights that were just a few shades different than SD's hair, but she didn't want her to do anything too drastic. I'm thinking that kinda rules out pink streaks, LOL. DH has joint custody, however he is the CP and BM has chosen to take SD one weekend a month (she's supposed to have EOWE). DH is gonna email BM and see if he can talk her into it, but I don't have high hopes there.

I'd be pretty pissed if someone dyed my kid's hair without my permission, so I don't want to just dye SD's hair and tell BM to deal. But, I also don't want SD to be the only kid who doesn't get something she wants. I also don't want to say "Well, your mom said no, so take it up with her" or anything like that.

Anyways, if BM says no to the pink, SD is gonna  be super bummed and she's gonna figure it out that it was BM who wouldn't let her. I also don't want to tell the other kids that they can't dye their hair if SD can't.

I can't figure out a good way to deal with this situation without it reflecting poorly on BM in some way. Advice, suggestions? 

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:37 AM
Replies (21-30):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 2:43 PM


Quoting faerie75:

 can you use that wash out pink dye?

Option number 2 is either the clip in ones or the hair chalk, which colors the hair for about a week (longer on lighter colored hair, but SD's hair is dark brown).

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 2:51 PM
1 mom liked this

DH and I could just dye SD's hair and tell BM to deal with it. DH was found to have a better home for SD, BM has CHOSEN to give up over 60% of her visitation. BM's not involved with school, therapy, specialists, doctors, etc by choice. And on the rare occasion she does show up, she offends and upsets the specialists at SD's school, and makes things up about SD.

My thing is, I wanted to find a NICE way to say no about her hair without the answer of no reflecting poorly on BM. I don't want SD to blame BM because I'm trying to be nice. I never said that BM saying no makes HER a bad parent, but it's going to upset SD that her siblings are allowed to do something and she's going to know the only reason she's not allowed to do it is because BM said no. That puts the blame (and the anger) on BM. I don't think I'm awesome, I'm trying save what little bit of a relationship SD does have with BM.

And guess what? If I don't get a say in SD's hair, being her step-mother, then that makes BM's opinions about my son's hair even less important. She doesn't get a say in my son's hair style, as she is nothing to him other than the biological mother of his older sister.

I'd rather my children be taught to do what makes them happy as opposed to worrying about what the rest of the world thinks of them. When he's an adult he's not going to be able to have a blue mohawk. He's going to have to have a natural color of hair and a workplace friendly hairstyle.

If seeing my child with a blue mohawk somehow reflects poorly on either him or me, then you are the one with the problem, not ethier of us 

Quoting HopesNDreams:

Pointing out that BM is being generous by not making derogatory comments about your choice to dye your children's hair is no different than you thinking you are being awesome by not blaming her. It is not your child, it is not your choice. SD has her entire adult life to change her hair color. For now, she is a child and it can wait. If you are unaware or unaffected by the impression your son's hair makes on others, that is also irrelevant to SD's situation. Simply put, BM does not want others to fave a negative view of SD due to colored hair. Respect that without judgement just as you would like her to respect your decision without judgement.
Undermining the other parent is not 'being nice' and that is what you are doing when you are trying to put blame anywhere here. You are the adult - just say 'no'. Any discussion is unnecessary and petty.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Wow, way to turn a nice thing into something nasty by being a bitch.

I highly doubt that dying my children's hair somehow makes me a bad parent, seeing as my daughter's therapist was the one to suggest the purple streaks as a way to help her cope with school. I figure if the worst thing I do as a parent is allow my kids to have different colored hair, I'm doing better than a good 75% of the population. And trust me, BM has caused all sorts of issues, real and imaginary. Excuse me for trying to make a somewhat difficult situation easier on everyone.

I just didn't want to put the entire no on BM, while SD is going to see her siblings with different colored hair. 


Quoting HopesNDreams:

BM not wanting her 12 year old to have pink streaks does not reflect badly on her in any way. She would like her child to be a child and look appropriate.

I think you are very lucky that BM has not made any comments that would 'reflect badly' on your choice to let your young children dye their hair.

Why not try those clip in colored hair strands as a compromise?



rose0919
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:03 PM

unfortunatly there is no way to have bm in this case not be the bad guy. if you are letting you bios do it and she cant because of bm then dh and sd need to take it up with bm. hot topic also has colored gells  that are temporary. unfortunatly they dont work well on dark hair,neither does chalk.  i do keep some of the gells for ss if he wants it when he is here. its called color fiend and 1.99 for a pakage of 2  . they have it right on their website. 

LucyHarper
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:32 PM

I don't allow any kind of hair dying, bleaching, whatever in my kids hair, I don't want those chemicals in their hair. If I had a child with an ex and he and his wife allowed their kids to do that, I would be 100% okay with them telling my child that I said no to it and thats the reason why. I don't think of it as reflecting poorly on me because I don't think it's a poor choice. My children can know that I said know and they can take it up with me. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:37 PM

I guess I should have rephrased it.

BM and SD don't have the greatest of relationships, and I just didn't want BM to be the one SD was angry with, you know? 

Quoting LucyHarper:

I don't allow any kind of hair dying, bleaching, whatever in my kids hair, I don't want those chemicals in their hair. If I had a child with an ex and he and his wife allowed their kids to do that, I would be 100% okay with them telling my child that I said no to it and thats the reason why. I don't think of it as reflecting poorly on me because I don't think it's a poor choice. My children can know that I said know and they can take it up with me. 


Charli627
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:53 PM


Quoting sassy711:

Suggest all the afore-mentioned solutions to DH and then let him and BM decide.

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KylesMonkey
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 5:03 PM

I had something similar happpen with my daughter when my ex was living with a woman.  before he had the live-in, my daughter had long, blonde, waist length hair one weekend when she left for visitation.  while I was out enjoying some mommy-time on the beach with my best friends, I got a call from DD that she would like to cut her hair and daddy said she needed to ask my permission.  I did not *want* her hair cut, but told her to make up her own mind, it would always grow back.  This same scenario happened when she wanted her ears pierced.  Now, jump forward to live-inGF...  My daughter came home from visitation one weekend with her hair HIGHLIGHTED (she was 9!) and one weekend she came home with feathers attached to it.  No one asked, mentioned, queried--anything  those times and I was LIVID!!


I think another thing to think of is what the school dress code says about artificial colors in the kids hair.  That might be a STOP for any question.  Also, if her mom says "NO", then you can buy her clip in colored extensions from Hot Topic.  I bought some for DD and she loved them.  AND she could change colors for her outfits. just a suggestion.


But coming from the other side of this, definitely ask her and deal with the what-ifs AFTER.  And, have SD ask her mom.  She might be more willing to concede to her kid than to the SM...

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 5:32 PM

DH has taken SD to get her hair cut several times, a few times BM got mad about it. She wanted SD to have long hair, but wouldn't take care of it and unfortunately due to SD's disorder (which causes short limbed dwarfism) her arms aren't quite long enough to take care of long hair.

The hair dye thing, it just seems wrong to me to do something like that without both of her parents' permission. So, if BM says no, the answer is no, but I didn't want SD to be angry with BM or anything, you know? I want her to know that her parents need to come to an agreement about things like that, or it can't happen. Even though SD lives with us full time and only sees BM one weekend a month, I want to be respectful of her as SD's BM.

There's nothing in the school dress code about hair color or style. Not at her current school or at the middle school she'll be at next year. 

BM has already OK'd highlights. SD has medium/dark brown hair, and for her birthday when she turned 12 my mom and I took her in and got her high lights, they were a dark blonde/light brown. But, going from that to pink is a bit more than just highlights.

I've found some hair chalk online that says it should work with darker hair and only stay in for about a week at a time. But, it doesn't work well in super wet weather, we live in the NW and it rains a lot here. So, we'll just have to see. Report cards come home on the 14th for the first trimester, and all 3 kiddos have been working really hard. We may just have to find another way to reward SD.

Quoting KylesMonkey:

I had something similar happpen with my daughter when my ex was living with a woman.  before he had the live-in, my daughter had long, blonde, waist length hair one weekend when she left for visitation.  while I was out enjoying some mommy-time on the beach with my best friends, I got a call from DD that she would like to cut her hair and daddy said she needed to ask my permission.  I did not *want* her hair cut, but told her to make up her own mind, it would always grow back.  This same scenario happened when she wanted her ears pierced.  Now, jump forward to live-inGF...  My daughter came home from visitation one weekend with her hair HIGHLIGHTED (she was 9!) and one weekend she came home with feathers attached to it.  No one asked, mentioned, queried--anything  those times and I was LIVID!!


I think another thing to think of is what the school dress code says about artificial colors in the kids hair.  That might be a STOP for any question.  Also, if her mom says "NO", then you can buy her clip in colored extensions from Hot Topic.  I bought some for DD and she loved them.  AND she could change colors for her outfits. just a suggestion.


But coming from the other side of this, definitely ask her and deal with the what-ifs AFTER.  And, have SD ask her mom.  She might be more willing to concede to her kid than to the SM...


bizkit_fanky
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 9:43 AM

Splat washables is what dd uses..It washes right out

rebeccasmly
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 10:13 AM

I think its great you are being considerate of BMs opinions even when DH doesn't have to. I think you've been given some great alternatives if BM says no.

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