So, SD has some learned behaviors that we aren't OK with. They've never been acceptable in our home and she's always done a fairly decent job of following the rules with EOWE, alternating major holidays, and half of summer. She got into trouble here and there, but nothing that wouldn't be typical for a kid. Since June DH has had custody and starting in July BM stopped about 60% of her visitation.
School started in September and SD was doing well, but struggling here and there. SD is 12 and in 5th grade, due to her disorder causing developmental delays she's about 3-4 years behind her age group developmentally, and 2 years behind her age group in school. We got an IEP established (she gets extra time for major projects and testing, and 80 minutes each week of specialized instruction for writing and 80 minutes each week of specialized instruction for math).
Every Friday her teacher sends home a newsletter that the parents are supposed to sign if the kids have missing assignments from that week. SD has brought home some that needed to be signed, and we always made sure she also completed the missing assignments before returning to school Monday. I just found two weeks worth of newsletters showing missing work that SD had hidden. I know part of this is mine and DH's fault for not doubling checking and making sure she showed them to us, but she's also old enough (even with her disabilities) to be honest when she has missing work. We've been super busy with therapy (occupational for SD and DD 5, and physical for SD), specialists for both SD and DD, and the rest of life. So, I'd say 50% of this issue lies on mine and DH's shoulders. Regardless of how busy we were, we should have made sure to see the newsletters.
SD has very poor homework and study habits that were allowed at BM's. Projects were always completed at the last minute and turned in late, homework was rarely finished when it was turned in. This is all information that DH has received directly from previous teachers. BM has also admitted to DH and I that she didn't follow up with SD's homework or projects.
We've been really working on establishing a good homework routine for SD, and her Occupational Therapist has been helping us out with ideas to help get SD on a better routine and re-learn some better habits. So far we haven't been able to make much change in the habits.
Right now, SD is doing her homework at a desk in the living room so that DH and/or I can ensure that she stays on task and gets her work done. The problem is that she isn't always honest about what work needs to be done. BM has stated to DH and I that she just punished SD by yelling at her and sending her to her room. SD said she's scared she's going to get yelled at if she tells the truth. However, in the past when she's brought home newsletters that needed our signatures she hasn't gotten into big trouble or been yelled at. We've talked about why it's important for her to do her assignments and turn them in on time, then she was "grounded" until the assignments were completed that weekend. Once the assignments were done, she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend. It worked for about a month. And then the first two weeks of November she messed up and didn't complete the assignments.
She also lies a lot. About little things that she'd never get into trouble for. But, I'm not sure that she cognitively understands the lie issue... Her developmental assessments show that she's quite delayed in a lot of areas.
Anyways, if anyone has suggestions, I'd be open to them. The hope here is to help SD gain better habits and not to make her feel as if she's being punished.