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I hate seeing SD so confused...

Posted by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:07 PM
  • 15 Replies
1 mom liked this

BM has a really bad habit of attempting to "brainwash" (for lack of a better word) SD, except DH has primary custody, so the things BM tries don't really work since she doesn't have consistent contact with SD.  It's just hard to see the bad emotions SD goes through.  Like, she KNOWS that she's supposed to be happy to go see BM, but she never is.  She KNOWS that she's supposed to want to do nice things like get BM a birthday or Christmas present, but she never really wants to.

We've had SD with us for 3 straight weeks due to the holiday and then DH's normal weekend, so this weekend will be SD's first weekend going to BM's in three weeks.  She's NOT happy about it.  I keep trying to get her excited, telling her about all the fun she'll have with her sister and seeing her grandparents, but her normal reaction is "yea" and then will walk out of the room.  So I've stopped trying.

Today she starts talking about how her mom is almost done with school.  BM has told SD over and over again that once she finishes school she's moving to our area (currently lives over an hour away).  I think BM has been telling SD this to get her excited.  BM has also told SD that once she moves to our area that SD will live with her, and not DH.  We've already talked with SD that that is NOT happening anytime in the future.  But I think SD is worried about BM moving to our area.  I HIGHLY doubt that she will, but I asked SD if she wants her mom to move to our area and her response was "No" and then to walk out of the room.  I just hate seeing her so conflicted.

by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:13 PM

 Aw, that poor little girl. :(

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:22 PM

How old is she?  Is she feeling pressure from BM to go live with her? 

My SD went through a really stressful period starting around the age of 10 until she'd turned 12.  BM kept telling (badgering) her she was going to regain custody.  SD thought she had to choose at age 12, so she kept herself worked up with fear of angering BM or being rejected.  We explained to her the process of how court would work if BM filed and how, while the judge take SD's wishes into account, it's not up to SD to decide.  That helped a lot.  Then she turned 12, nothing happened, and she quit worrying about it altogether. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:31 PM

Wow, that sounds a LOT like our situation.

BM was living 4 hours away and moved to our town, she saw SD more when she lived 4 hours away. BM has given up most of her visitation as she moved in with a guy and his 2 kids and they don't have room for SD there. SD is going with BM this weekend (BM takes SD one weekend a month to go visit BM's mom 4 hours away where BM used to live).

BM has stopped the brainwashing for the most part (at least she's stopped telling SD how evil I am and how much DH and i prefer her siblings to her). In September BM started telling SD how she was moving to Hawaii when she was done with school in the spring. BM said she wasn't sure if she'd be able to bring SD with her or not. Um, NOT, as DH has custody and wouldn't sign it over for SD to be moved that far away.

Anyways, it causes a lot of issues for SD. She's 12, but developmentally more about 8-9ish. Her cognitive abilities aren't that great either, so we have to be very literal and careful how we explain things. She asked if we'd make her move to Hawaii with BM, and if she'd have to fly on a plane all by herself to visit BM when BM lived in Hawaii.

We haven't mentioned anything about the courts, but SD knows from BM that a judge can say where she has to live. DH and I just keep telling her that if BM decides to move somewhere her parents will try to do their best to figure out a good schedule for SD.

angelmommy2806
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 5:27 PM
This sounds something like what my SS's are going through. Bm has told them if they really love her they'll tell the judge they want to live with her. We've got court coming up in 3 weeks.

Quoting Derdriu:

How old is she?  Is she feeling pressure from BM to go live with her? 


My SD went through a really stressful period starting around the age of 10 until she'd turned 12.  BM kept telling (badgering) her she was going to regain custody.  SD thought she had to choose at age 12, so she kept herself worked up with fear of angering BM or being rejected.  We explained to her the process of how court would work if BM filed and how, while the judge take SD's wishes into account, it's not up to SD to decide.  That helped a lot.  Then she turned 12, nothing happened, and she quit worrying about it altogether. 

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saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Dec. 6, 2012 at 5:32 PM
That's really really shitty! Bm in your case doesn't sound like she should be in charge of a car let alone a child! What do the boys say? Just wondering I'm sure that must upset and throw them for a loop :-(


Quoting angelmommy2806:

This sounds something like what my SS's are going through. Bm has told them if they really love her they'll tell the judge they want to live with her. We've got court coming up in 3 weeks.



Quoting Derdriu:

How old is she?  Is she feeling pressure from BM to go live with her? 



My SD went through a really stressful period starting around the age of 10 until she'd turned 12.  BM kept telling (badgering) her she was going to regain custody.  SD thought she had to choose at age 12, so she kept herself worked up with fear of angering BM or being rejected.  We explained to her the process of how court would work if BM filed and how, while the judge take SD's wishes into account, it's not up to SD to decide.  That helped a lot.  Then she turned 12, nothing happened, and she quit worrying about it altogether. 


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angelmommy2806
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 6:55 PM
SS13 is very loyal to Bm. SS11 broke down when they came back from Thanksgiving. He was very confused and we told him that it didn't matter where he lives, he'd be loved unconditionally.

Quoting saywhat2102:

That's really really shitty! Bm in your case doesn't sound like she should be in charge of a car let alone a child! What do the boys say? Just wondering I'm sure that must upset and throw them for a loop :-(




Quoting angelmommy2806:

This sounds something like what my SS's are going through. Bm has told them if they really love her they'll tell the judge they want to live with her. We've got court coming up in 3 weeks.





Quoting Derdriu:

How old is she?  Is she feeling pressure from BM to go live with her? 




My SD went through a really stressful period starting around the age of 10 until she'd turned 12.  BM kept telling (badgering) her she was going to regain custody.  SD thought she had to choose at age 12, so she kept herself worked up with fear of angering BM or being rejected.  We explained to her the process of how court would work if BM filed and how, while the judge take SD's wishes into account, it's not up to SD to decide.  That helped a lot.  Then she turned 12, nothing happened, and she quit worrying about it altogether. 


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tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Dec. 7, 2012 at 7:17 AM
1 mom liked this

These "Part time" parents that screw with kids minds is sick.  They shouldnt make promises they cant keep.  Makes them worry for no reason or give them "false hopes" .. I hate that.    Then we are left to pick up the pieces, to comfort them and console them. Kids need to be kids and not have so much put on them. 

TempestRayne
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 7:23 AM
Quoting tiredmama42:

These "Part time" parents that screw with kids minds is sick.  They shouldnt make promises they cant keep.  Makes them worry for no reason or give them "false hopes" .. I hate that.    Then we are left to pick up the pieces, to comfort them and console them. Kids need to be kids and not have so much put on them. 


Charli627
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 8:22 AM


Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 Aw, that poor little girl. :(

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MiMi03331
by Member on Dec. 7, 2012 at 7:24 PM

Poor girl!  My heart aches for innocent kids caught in mind games.

That was the one issue I had with my 2 SD's BM - the unkept lavish promises (the BM has since died in October).  I never knew how to deal with it, at least successfully.  I just kept thinking that when they're adults they will look back and wonder what was their BM thinking, but that doesn't do any good now.

My sister has a SS and 2 SD's who are now grown.  Their BM did basically the same thing and now they all have little to nothing to do with their BM.  My sister is grandma to their kids. 

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