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Struggling & don't know how to tell DH how I feel...

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Ok, I will try my hardest to make this short & to the point.  Been married for 3 yrs to my DH & I have 3 stepkids & we have 2 together. Awhile back DH was talking to BM of sks & she was asking if we were keeping the kids through Sunday of that certain weekend. Well my DH said that he planned on bringing them home Sat night because he had to go back to work & started a new shift Sunday (his shifts are 48 hrs). She then went on talking about things she needed to do or how she needed him to keep them, so my DH said that he could see if I would b ok with bringing them home later Sun. She then made some comment like "It's not about me needing a break, or a babysitter for my kids... it's about them spending time with their Dad". Ever since I have known about that comment I think I have held a grudge & I have pretty much stuck with the attitude of "If we are getting the kids, Dh needs to be around & I don't want to have to keep them when he's working or doing whatever!" Do you think this is wrong of me??? I feel bad but it has come up several times since, & in fact it did again tonight... my DH said that we'd b getting the kids sometime Christmas morning & then maybe they can just stay through new years eve afternoon, & he'd take them home that day. But he also works the 26th & 27th! I find myself getting super irritated because I feel like I'm doing BM some sort of favor, & why wouldn't she want her kids back anyway if Dad is working? I think she should be responsible for them & I would really enjoy some alone time with my boys, I know it sounds awful. My Dh also really would like me to quit my job & stay home with our boys, who are 2 & almost 8 mo. I feel terrible about this too but I feel like if I do that more times like this will happen, as he will work more with a business he wants to start, & expect me to keep the sks. We have gotten into a fight about it before & he has said, "well if you're gonna be gone or have plans & the kids want to stay then I don't have a problem with them staying at our house alone" (they are 15, 12, &9). He said he knows that I've told him in indirect ways that I prefer he be around when we have the kids, & he says "oh trust me, I know that you don't want much to do with them if he's working. How do I get my feelings to be understood without upsetting him? He has also said before that " I married his 3 kids too, & it's expected that I do such things such as keep the kids at times.  Just need some advice!!! Thanks :)

by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 4:06 AM
Replies (11-14):
Mommyof5247
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 4:54 PM
I agree with this.
If you want to look at it as a favor to anyone, look at it as a favor to DH.

If you want alone time with your boys, tell DH directly. No beating around the bush. Tell him exactly what upset you, why & what you want to change or what role you're ok with for the sks. He needs to ask you if you're ok with schedule changes, not volunteer your time. Tell him you're concerned about what will happen if you stay home. If you can't start to talk to him honestly, openly & directly, it will fester & hurt your relationship.


Quoting whatIknownow:

No, I don't think that is wrong of you at all. The only thing that might be 'wrong" is that you are taking this stand because of a grudge over something Mom said a long time ago. I don't think you should base this (or any) decision on a grudge.

But the decision itself, to not watch your husband's kids for him, is perfectly fine and well within your rights as a SM.


Quoting smomx3:

She then made some comment like "It's not about me needing a break, or a babysitter for my kids... it's about them spending time with their Dad". Ever since I have known about that comment I think I have held a grudge & I have pretty much stuck with the attitude of "If we are getting the kids, Dh needs to be around & I don't want to have to keep them when he's working or doing whatever!" Do you think this is wrong of me??? 

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smomx3
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 4:55 PM

Thanks for your response... I know I need to let some things go & not hold any grudges but I can't help but feel like since that's how she feels about me (doesn't really matter if the kids see me or not, just Dad), that she can get them back when Dad's working. So do you have any ideas on how to tell DH how I feel without causing a big fight?

smomx3
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 5:03 PM

Thank you, it's just hard trying to find a way to express that it is alot to handle. He takes offense & thinks because they are older that it should make things easier on me because they help, but in reality I find it harder because I am still doing things for them & having more laundry & crap to pick up, ect... & when he says "well I'll just leave it up to them if they want to stay or go home", it really bothers me because it's like I don't have a say in anything! Just want some ideas on what to say to not hurt his feelings or cause a fight because he thinks I don't want them here... I just think BM needs to have them if he's not here! It's so hard!

TempestRayne
by Donna on Dec. 8, 2012 at 5:08 PM
I agree too.
Quoting Mommyof5247:


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