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Evil stepmom?

Posted by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 8:50 AM
  • 31 Replies

Hi all. I am new here and could use some advice. My teenager lives with us full time and my 2 stepkids visit us regularly. They stay over on weekends and are often over 1 or 2 nights during the week for dinner, etc. DH and I both work full-time in jobs that require a lot of overtime. I am often at work well past my daily shift and take work home on a regular basis. The same is true of DH. I seriously put in 50-60 hours per week into my job.

My issue is this... BM doesn't work at all. That's her choice and I don't criticize her for that (and no she is not independently wealthy....) but I also don't sympathize with her very much. The past several months she is constantly complaining about the kids and about how she needs more of a break and needs us to take them more. We do take them, I feel a decent amount. She keeps wanting to add more time to the visitation agreement. She is also constantly hours late in dropping them off or picking them up with no care to how it affects us or our plans.

Now she wants us to agree to keep the kids on any extra days off of work/school. Let me be clear that there have been many instances in the past where we offered to take the kids on some of these days off. My issue is that I just don't want to be tied to that schedule because I need some time off too! Is that terrible of me to feel that way? It seems like it's okay for BM to need a break but heaven forbid if stepmom wants a break then she is pure evil and must hate the kids. I do love my stepkids. I just work very hard and enjoy a break myself once in awhile. My own kid is a little easier because he's pretty independent at his age whereas with my stepkids I have to constantly entertain them. Let me also add that my stepkids don't particularly want to be here those extra days. They love visiting but they also get anxious to go back to their mom. Sometimes we have asked them to stay the extra day off, night whatever and they say no, they want to go back to mama's house.

Any suggestions? Oh and BM is telling my DH that he HAS to take kids extra days, not asking if he wants to. I kind of have an issue with that too! DH pretty much just wants to go along with what she says so we aren't all fighting but I almost feel like she bullies him in to agreeing to stuff.

by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 8:50 AM
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Refurbished
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 9:17 AM
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It's okay to say no.  Don't let her make you feel like the bad guy if you do.

If she's not asking, I would just say, "I cannot take them on those days because we have to work.  You need to make other arrangements for those days."  If she keeps persisting, I wouldn't answer.  When someone acts like a bully, the best way to deal with them is just to stick with facts, be matter-of-fact and polite, and keep it as brief as possible.  If you get a long-winded e-mail, answer with only a few sentences. 

Amy1973Potts
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 10:19 AM
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What refurbished said. You are not her personal sitter. You are not being compensated for your time. You are being used, because you are.....wait for it.. ' family' but watch how fast she will turn on you if you ask her for something.

1. Say no. Its okay.
2. She is an adult and can figure life out for herself.
3. Her exhusband is not her safety net.
4. Your husband needs to respect your limits and your marriage, kids or not.
5. Get a court order for visitation if there isnt one. Stick to it.
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GlockMom
by Gold Member on Dec. 8, 2012 at 10:23 AM
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Your days off shouldn't be considered but why would your DH not want them on his days off? When SS was younger DH took SS any day extra BM offered regardless of why BM offered. DH very much wanted SS during his off time. What reason is there not to have his kids on his time off?

DH is running our gym today, we have a health expo going and was irritated this morning that he has not been at home much this week. He was going to take DS with him. I said no, go work, DS has a birthday party later. DH still takes ANY of the kids every spare moment he has.
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stargazer383
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:04 AM
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Thanks for the advice ladies! I didn't mean to imply that DH doesn't want the kids on his time off. That isn't the case at all. It's more me than him that has an issue. He doesn't really mind agreeing to all this. I guess I just have an issue because BM is claiming she needs a break and I feel like what about our break too? DH and I both work our butts off to provide for all the kids. We both bring work home with us. Sometimes when there is an extra day off, I would like to spend it doing some of my take home work and DH is in the same boat. And as I said, the kids don't even want to agree to this unless we are doing something special like going away for a long weekend or something.

Maybe I am being selfish.... I just feel like BM gets a break all week long while the kids are at school. We also take them a few times per week and weekends. Once in awhile I would like a break too. That's all I was saying. I do love my stepkids and so does DH. The reality of it is that when the kids do come, I feel like most of the work falls on me--the cooking, cleaning, planning activities. You know, the regular mom stuff.

And my other issue is that BM doesn't treat us as if we have a say in anything. I know that may seem petty but there is a constant issue with her TELLING us at the last minute that we need to keep the kids hours later than planned because something came up, or she's tired, or she just woke up or whatever. She doesn't care that we have work in the morning or DH is taking classes and has homework and papers to do.

But overall, no we don't have a problem spending time with the kids. We would just like to have more of a say in our schedule with them is all.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:39 AM
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Is this a "we" problem meaning both you and DH or is it just a problem you have?  Because if it is a we problem, then you have a DH problem because he won't set appropriate boundaries with his ex wife.

if it a you problem, no problem.  Set your own boundaries.  Tell DH you need to work on those days off and he needs to care for his kids. Stop cooking and caring for everyone.  

This is not a BM problem, this is a SM and/or DH problem blaming BM for your own lack of effective boundaries.

Ealane2011
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:42 AM
If she can't handle having her kids around when she doesnt have a job and needs a break. She should have kept her legs closed. It's called responsibility.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:48 AM
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I agree. I love my alone time also. Especially on your days off.

If your Dh is like mine though he might have a problem with this. My Dh feels any day BM gives him is "he's lucky" which I get of course but then yes,I feel like an evil witch for even thinking ,"um... How about they just stay at their moms on moms time".

my Dh would jump on that with out thinking how it would affect this home sometimes.(Scheduling and such)I'd watch out and have a valid argument ready for your Dh. Mine didn't work so Dh has his sons more,which is cool of course but it is also draining. I like if its dads time,it's dads time. BM time is hers. Only bc such is life in a spilt family and consistency helps these situations i think and its her parenting time. Bottom line. GL!

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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:52 AM
No,your not evil. My friend has her OWN kids on hers days off(she works 2 on 2 off,and this is the parenting schedule her ex and her decided on so they are always with a parent.) and she says that's hard! Lol.

Another way to look at it is both of you have kids so there is no "break". My argument on that is if its a 2 family home,there is. Sad but true.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:55 AM
OP:This is what happens at this home also. Dh takes any time BM offers. He doesn't care of BM if flying to Paris for the week and then partying the weeks away,what matters to him is he gets his sons more. He cares about his sons not what BM is doing.

Something I will never go through bc I have my dds all the time and I love a break sometimes! Lol.


Quoting GlockMom:

Your days off shouldn't be considered but why would your DH not want them on his days off? When SS was younger DH took SS any day extra BM offered regardless of why BM offered. DH very much wanted SS during his off time. What reason is there not to have his kids on his time off?



DH is running our gym today, we have a health expo going and was irritated this morning that he has not been at home much this week. He was going to take DS with him. I said no, go work, DS has a birthday party later. DH still takes ANY of the kids every spare moment he has.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Dec. 8, 2012 at 12:01 PM
I feel Dh will say yes(my Dh did/does) And one thing you have to work through for yourself is not to be mad at this decision. I get upset also(human feeling) when plans are disrupted bc BM wants to do this or that. I think bc I don't get why BM "needs" a break when she gets one every week(Dh is week on and week off w sons).

It's not bad to feel this way,but I also don't want you telling your Dh well what about us? Don't we get a break? He will find this selfish. (Your not but to him they are his kids,ykwim?)

I get what you mean totally since I've gone through it. I don't like the saying "Dh should be thankful he gets more time BM have him". But at the same time I guess what would Dh say? Yes,your right. We deserve as much of a break as she does? I'm not sure.

Sorry. I'm in the middle on this issue. I get it but I also don't know why or how Dh would say no to BM.


Quoting stargazer383:

Thanks for the advice ladies! I didn't mean to imply that DH doesn't want the kids on his time off. That isn't the case at all. It's more me than him that has an issue. He doesn't really mind agreeing to all this. I guess I just have an issue because BM is claiming she needs a break and I feel like what about our break too? DH and I both work our butts off to provide for all the kids. We both bring work home with us. Sometimes when there is an extra day off, I would like to spend it doing some of my take home work and DH is in the same boat. And as I said, the kids don't even want to agree to this unless we are doing something special like going away for a long weekend or something.

Maybe I am being selfish.... I just feel like BM gets a break all week long while the kids are at school. We also take them a few times per week and weekends. Once in awhile I would like a break too. That's all I was saying. I do love my stepkids and so does DH. The reality of it is that when the kids do come, I feel like most of the work falls on me--the cooking, cleaning, planning activities. You know, the regular mom stuff.

And my other issue is that BM doesn't treat us as if we have a say in anything. I know that may seem petty but there is a constant issue with her TELLING us at the last minute that we need to keep the kids hours later than planned because something came up, or she's tired, or she just woke up or whatever. She doesn't care that we have work in the morning or DH is taking classes and has homework and papers to do.

But overall, no we don't have a problem spending time with the kids. We would just like to have more of a say in our schedule with them is all.

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