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Hi all. I am new here and could use some advice. My teenager lives with us full time and my 2 stepkids visit us regularly. They stay over on weekends and are often over 1 or 2 nights during the week for dinner, etc. DH and I both work full-time in jobs that require a lot of overtime. I am often at work well past my daily shift and take work home on a regular basis. The same is true of DH. I seriously put in 50-60 hours per week into my job.

My issue is this... BM doesn't work at all. That's her choice and I don't criticize her for that (and no she is not independently wealthy....) but I also don't sympathize with her very much. The past several months she is constantly complaining about the kids and about how she needs more of a break and needs us to take them more. We do take them, I feel a decent amount. She keeps wanting to add more time to the visitation agreement. She is also constantly hours late in dropping them off or picking them up with no care to how it affects us or our plans.

Now she wants us to agree to keep the kids on any extra days off of work/school. Let me be clear that there have been many instances in the past where we offered to take the kids on some of these days off. My issue is that I just don't want to be tied to that schedule because I need some time off too! Is that terrible of me to feel that way? It seems like it's okay for BM to need a break but heaven forbid if stepmom wants a break then she is pure evil and must hate the kids. I do love my stepkids. I just work very hard and enjoy a break myself once in awhile. My own kid is a little easier because he's pretty independent at his age whereas with my stepkids I have to constantly entertain them. Let me also add that my stepkids don't particularly want to be here those extra days. They love visiting but they also get anxious to go back to their mom. Sometimes we have asked them to stay the extra day off, night whatever and they say no, they want to go back to mama's house.

Any suggestions? Oh and BM is telling my DH that he HAS to take kids extra days, not asking if he wants to. I kind of have an issue with that too! DH pretty much just wants to go along with what she says so we aren't all fighting but I almost feel like she bullies him in to agreeing to stuff.

by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 8:50 AM
Replies (31-31):
by Hi, my name is... on Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:08 PM
I've gotten better but I can still work on it some more!:) as long as my Dh cleans up the kitchen I'm good. Lol.

Quoting Mommyof5247:

I'm the same way. My mother was the same way too. It is automatic for me, so I had to make myself let DH take over. It was hard at first.

Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I think moms do this automatically sometimes. I do this with my nieces even. It just is instilled in some of us to always be taking care of everything as moms. Ykwim?:)

Quoting Mommyof5247:

I agree with this.

Don't take on the "extra" when they are there & you need time to yourself.

If he wants that time, he can have it, but he also needs to take on the extra work & you need to let go of feeling responsible to entertain them or do the extra work yourself.

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Here lies your isn't a BM problem, SKs's a DH workload problem...the SKs come over YOUR workload goes up...that you need to solve with DH...they are his kids, he wants to see them, he has that right...he also should be doing the work...

Quoting stargazer383:

Thanks for the advice ladies! I didn't mean to imply that DH doesn't want the kids on his time off. That isn't the case at all. It's more me than him that has an issue. He doesn't really mind agreeing to all this. I guess I just have an issue because BM is claiming she needs a break and I feel like what about our break too? DH and I both work our butts off to provide for all the kids. We both bring work home with us. Sometimes when there is an extra day off, I would like to spend it doing some of my take home work and DH is in the same boat. And as I said, the kids don't even want to agree to this unless we are doing something special like going away for a long weekend or something.

Maybe I am being selfish.... I just feel like BM gets a break all week long while the kids are at school. We also take them a few times per week and weekends. Once in awhile I would like a break too. That's all I was saying. I do love my stepkids and so does DH. The reality of it is that when the kids do come, I feel like most of the work falls on me--the cooking, cleaning, planning activities. You know, the regular mom stuff.

And my other issue is that BM doesn't treat us as if we have a say in anything. I know that may seem petty but there is a constant issue with her TELLING us at the last minute that we need to keep the kids hours later than planned because something came up, or she's tired, or she just woke up or whatever. She doesn't care that we have work in the morning or DH is taking classes and has homework and papers to do.

But overall, no we don't have a problem spending time with the kids. We would just like to have more of a say in our schedule with them is all.

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