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Adoption vs. Other Alternatives

Posted by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 6:57 AM
  • 15 Replies

Hi.  I've shared before that I have 3 beautiful SDs (22, 15, and 12).  The younger two has a different BM than the oldest and she passed away in October from cancer.  From the time of diagnosis until she died was less than four months. 

When she passed, she was living with a guy and they were in a temporary housing situation (motel).  The SDs have lived with DH since the divorce.  After the funeral, her boyfriend was kind in turning over anything that she had to the kids - pictures, momentos, etc.  She owned very little - no property, no retirement, no jewelry - and she did not have a will.  DH and I went and collected her things and have put her things up for the kids - dishes, etc.  We thought when they're older, those things will have more meaning than now.  The only thing she did have was a car and her family swooped in and got the car before DH knew what was happening, even though she had told everyone that she wanted the car to go to the 15 y/o.  Her family has not called or attempted to communicate with my SDs since their BM's passing. 

I'm considering adopting them and DH and SDs are in favor of it.  In fact, when DH and I talked to the the 15 y/o said, "I'd love it and I know momma is looking down from heaven smiling."  I don't have any kids of my own and love them whith my whole heart.  I can't say I love them as my own, but I can say I love them and DH more than I've ever loved anyone.  If something were to happen to DH, I just don't want to lose them too or have them taken from their home. 

The adoption issue that bothers me - the new birth certificates that they'll have issued.  I don't like the idea of their BM being taken off of their birth certificates, like she never existed.  Her death has been difficult enough and that just doesn't sit well with me.

We've also discussed my husband leaving the kids in my custody in a will, but it can be challenged and since I'm not biologically related, I don't know that I would win.  I honestly just do not trust her family and my SDs now draw a pretty sizeable chunk of money every month from Social Security. 

Are their any other options?  Any thoughts or comments?

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 6:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:35 AM
I don't really have any advice, but I will say that you are such a wonderful person. You stepped up when they needed someone and it is great that you have such a good relationship with them.
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catherine_b
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:38 AM
This!

And a lawyer could answer those questions..it is technical.

Wow you are amazing!


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I don't really have any advice, but I will say that you are such a wonderful person. You stepped up when they needed someone and it is great that you have such a good relationship with them.

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SavesSpiders
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 8:46 AM

I've struggled (struggling) with similar issues, so I can't really offer any advice either...yet.  I can tell you that you have my support.  Best of luck to you! 

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 8:52 AM
2 moms liked this
Frame the birth certificates with her name in it for each of them because they are special and they can always have them. Then get new ones that they don't need to see until they are older with your name on it. You adopting them will do more for their stability than her name on a piece of paper
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Refurbished
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:01 AM

I disagree that these kids would be taken from you if your DH died.  Any judge would take into consideration the fact that you've been their caretaker and acted as their mother.  The kids are also old enough to voice their opinions and say what they want.  The family would probably have a good shot at custody if they had already been highly involved in their lives and taken on the caretaking role, but if they haven't even contacted them, it would be difficult for them to step in and just take kids they barely know from someone who has provided their day-to-day care.

I knew a couple that both died, leaving their 7-year-old an orphan.  The dad was murdered, and the mom had lupus and the stress of the murder put her into a lupus flare and she died a week later.  The family didn't automatically get custody.  Custody of the child initially was given to the mother's best friend, who babysat her every day while the parents worked.  The judge didn't want to give custody to the grandmother, because she lived out of state and the judge said it would be too much loss for the child all at once.

newstepmom61811
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:16 AM
Take their old birth certificates, have them archived and framed...their mom will never be forgotten...SD15 obviously wants it an it protects them legally...
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Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:24 AM


Quoting zannahdeux:

Frame the birth certificates with her name in it for each of them because they are special and they can always have them. Then get new ones that they don't need to see until they are older with your name on it. You adopting them will do more for their stability than her name on a piece of paper

this ^^

Charli627
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 1:11 PM


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I don't really have any advice, but I will say that you are such a wonderful person. You stepped up when they needed someone and it is great that you have such a good relationship with them.
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MiMi03331
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:50 PM


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I don't really have any advice, but I will say that you are such a wonderful person. You stepped up when they needed someone and it is great that you have such a good relationship with them.


Thanks.  I try but I'm far from perfect.  To me, they are the ones who haven't had a choice in any of this.  They didn't choose the divorce.  They didn't choose me for a SM (though their approval and support was a deal maker or breaker).  They didn't choose for their BM to die. 

In June when the BM called to say she was dying and it would probably be in less than six months - I made a choice to stay and do all I could for them.  I'll never be their BM - nor do I try to be - but I am here for them for as long as I'm alive. 

MiMi03331
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:51 PM


Quoting catherine_b:

This!

And a lawyer could answer those questions..it is technical.

Wow you are amazing!



Thanks.  A lawyer is at the top of our new year's to do list - if nothing else, we're making our wills. 

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