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I am a new step mom or am going to be soon?

Posted by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:12 PM
  • 10 Replies

So my fiance has finally earned parenting time with his son (2yrs) and we are in a schedule moving towards once a week and every other weekend. Currently we are at twice a week for two hours each  move up to twice a week (2 and 4) in one more week.

My Fiance and I will be getting married in July and this has been in the works since this past June. Birth mom has made it very clear that she is mom, and I am fine with that. Me and my Fiance both currently get along with the birth mom and I want it to stay that way. But it can sometimes be awkward when we are both there in those mothering times. So I have a few questions that are hard for any of my other friends to relate to

1. At what point should he be my responsiblity instead of me helping my fiance out

2. At what point can I consider and refer to him as part of my family

3. He will be calling my sisters aunt and my nephew cousins is it weird for him to just continue to call me by my name, if so at what point should I change it, not to step on the birth moms toes?

Thank you, I look forward to replies from people who might understand what I am going through a little better.

 

by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:16 PM
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1. never

2. personally I wouldnt consider him family till after marriage but there are sm who dont even feel that then its about a mutal feeling of family

3. what are ylu going to change it to? you are your name unless the child comes up with a nickname.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:20 PM
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As far as parenting responsibilities with your fiance and you, that would be up to you guys to figure out. How much does he want you involved, how much do you want to be involved, etc.

I'd say you can refer to him as part of your family now.

He should call you by your name, regardless of what he calls your extended family, until HE chooses otherwise. You and your fiance shouldn't encourage you to call him mom, and his mom shouldn't force him to call you by your name. That should be a choice HE makes, if/when he's ready.

looneytunes290
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:22 PM

1. Never, unless you adopt the child due to his other parent choosing to not parent him you will only have the role that BOTH parents approve of you having. In other words you have about the same amount of clout as a really trusted babysitter or nanny.

2. After your married it would be appropriate for you to consider him extended family like that of a nephew or cousin.

3. Just be glad if he calls you by your name and not something ugly that his mom comes up with. 

newstepmom61811
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 10:30 PM
1. Do you and your fiancé live together? What I found when I first for married was that the kids are rarely "my responsibility"...they are "always" DHs...that being said you will find this...you will ease into a routine as you get more time with SS and he gets more time with you. My youngest SS was only 1 when I came into his life...I let him approach me, I let him be curious about me and "explore" me if you will. At first we just played. I very gently eased unit any "responsibility" I still rarely am alone with him, mainly because we all like to spend a lot of family time together. Now I also live inthe custodial home, DH has custody. I sometimes take him to the store with me when he wants to go with me if I'm going (he's now 5). I drive him to school and back. But otherwise, we do stuff as family. My advice is hang back, play with him, the rest will SLOWLY fall into place.
2. He is part of your unique blended family right now. Right now he's your fiance's son. It's ok to care about him. On your wedding day he becomes your SS, be proud of that, my SKs are proud of me, tell their friends I'm the coolest SM. their friends refer to me as their mom, SD calls me her mom to her friends. I always call myself their SM, the worlds best one ever. It's a family joke, especially with my older two SKs (12&9). If they're misbehaving I always joke with them to straighten up or I'm going to "go all evil SM on them" they absolutely crack up at it. Have fun with your role. Embrace it, that's how you keep it positive, find your unique place totally apart from BM. There is no competition. Kids have a lot of room in their hearts for a lot of different relationships and kinds of love.
3. Yes, use your name. My SD 12 calls me her mom to friends and teachers. I am a custodial SM. it is complicated. To me she calls me by my name. It may be at some point he calls you "mom". It shouldn't be encouraged. It should only be even accepted if the child is old enough to understand what he/she is doing and able to understand the emotional implications and to give a good defense of their desire to do it. Two of my 3 SKs do it periodically. I accept it. They know it don't encourage it. The two that do have also given very clear reasons why they want to. Not just impulse.
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schilkke
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:07 AM

Thanks for the advice

Me and my fiance do live together and I had known about his son since we started dating but BM was making it very clear he was not welcomed, so he went to court.

He wants me to be involved and for this to be our family. It is just hard to think of him as being family but never being mine.

That really blows my mine that most of the other responses said he will never be my responsibility, It make it seem weird when thinking its me and My fiance as a team except here..

It doesn't make it easier that I am all or nothing kind of person. I am left wanting to get close but not if it is going to lead to disillusionment.

packermomof2
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:25 AM

Mothering times?  If you're both there you back off.  If your man is around he can even take care of things; you don't need to jump in at "mothering times" (whatever that means, please explain)  He is your family upon marriage.  There should be no issue with you being your first name. You're not mom so mom, or any variation of that, isn't on the table with a mom who has made it clear that you are not the mom.

packermomof2
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:28 AM

You can be a team with your man when it comes to running your house, providing a united front to your kids, etc, but he and mom should be a team where their child is concerned.  Unless mom wants on you on that team with her, the only time you being a teammate where the child is concerned is in your home and probably with limited involvment since your boyfriend doesn't see his child that often ... there is no point in being a team with him where this child is concerned.  

pampire
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:00 AM

It is never your responsibility alone.  He is your DF's biologic child and final responsiblity lays with him and BM.  That said, you are an important person in the child's life and should be treated as such.

If you love and care for him. consider him family.

Let what he calls you evolve naturally.  He kids are amazing at coming up with labels for the ones they love.  Be open and flexible.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:15 AM
My husband is a stepdad and while I can understand how you might feel about this, watching my husband gracefully dance within our family leads me to believe it can be done. With my daughter, my husband is a friend. He is not a caregiver or a disciplinarian. He is not her dad. He spends time with her. He does things with her and makes her feel special and let's her know that he loves her and that he is there for her, but he is again, not her dad.

It sounds like your fiancé is wanting the ready made, perfectly blended family where you play mommy and he plays daddy. That isn't going to work bc this child already has a mommy. This child has two parents that are responsible for him.

As far as the name thing you mentioned in your original post. You are your first name right now. That doesn't need to change. Rarely do people change their names later in life unless they are hiding their identity. There is no reason for him to call you mom even if when he is 4 or 5 and he asks if he can call you mommy. My stepdad has been my stepdad by his first name for 30 years. It doesn't change anything that I don't call him dad. I met him, he was introduced as BOB and so he has stayed BOB because that is his name. No matter how close we are or how much of a father/ daughter bond we have. There was always a respect for my bio dad that he showed in allowing my bio dad to always be 'dad'.
Mom has been raising this baby for 2 years. Regardless of the reasons why she was doing it on her own for 2 years the fact remains, she has. And so therefore you don't need to replace her in that way. You can be a very special part of this child's life without him having to call you mom. And as far as cousins and aunts and stuff like that. I don't care about that. Kids can have 12 aunts if their family is that huge. They can have 38 cousins. But they only have one mom and one dad.


Quoting schilkke:

Thanks for the advice


Me and my fiance do live together and I had known about his son since we started dating but BM was making it very clear he was not welcomed, so he went to court.


He wants me to be involved and for this to be our family. It is just hard to think of him as being family but never being mine.


That really blows my mine that most of the other responses said he will never be my responsibility, It make it seem weird when thinking its me and My fiance as a team except here..


It doesn't make it easier that I am all or nothing kind of person. I am left wanting to get close but not if it is going to lead to disillusionment.


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meerkat101
by Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 2:18 AM
1. To quantify the other responses re "when should he be your responsibility".....

No - he will never be your responsibility, thus meaning that you will never be responsible for things that parents should decide for their kids.

E.g. You will never be responsible for the decision "should we spank or not", or "are we going to give the drugs for adhd or not", or even "will we allow him to get an earring or not".

Your "responsibility" towards your ss will end with loving him as best you can, ensuring that he is safe and cared for when he is in your care, treating him fairly and with compassion, enforcing the rules the parents have set e.g. "Dad said you can have two pieces of candy - no more".

You and your fiance is a team - but he has a mom and dad who are held responsible for his upbringing.

BM and BD might ask and consider your input at some stage - but that rarely happens when BD is not custodial.

Hope this clarify things?
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