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WHAT A MESS!! NEED ADVICE ....

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:40 AM
  • 5 Replies

 

So last week I posted about my DH and custody battle with his mother.  I am at the point now that I have removed myself from the situation as I had disengaged since June this year to let my DH and MIL be in complete control of what goes on with SD.  Disengaging turned out to be detrimental, SD has issues from not knowing bio mom and being back and forth with her dad andgrandma.  Now, up until June, I was the "mother" always making sure everything was taken care of, schoolwork, behavior, activities, etc. Since disengaging I stopped a lot of  things and really just do the bare minimum when it comes to SD.  SD wants to live with MIL, which is not going to help this at all, it will just bring more distance between everyone.  I had to kick MIL out of my house yesterday because she changes my whole demeanor and talks to me crazy.  We had a conversation where I told her she is not going to run my household and needs to take steps to have SD in her care if she doesn't like things here.  MIL took that as me saying I'm ok wth her raising her. THe lady is a NUT! I'm like, I have done nothing but fight her to back off and let me be a mother to SD. 

So I felt the need to write SD a letter, she is 9, she writes all of the time and that is usually her way of expressing herself. THe letter just explained what my role is/was and how her wanting or making the decision to leave the family would not help her when she comes back to visit, but if that will make her happy then I will not be mad and will always love her.  The child has not ever had a relationship with her bio mom and I am pretty sure she has a lot going on in her mind. I have suggested therapy for her two years ago and in Sept. I even went as far as looking up counselors for DH and last week, I went as far as finding out the costs of this.  He has not made any moves to get her seen to have someone else to talk to besides MIL who I feel brainwashes and orchestrates alot of the mess we are dealing with.

I guess I am just looking for someone out there who is with me on my decision to disengage and to write SD a letter. I feel so bad for the child and my DH. I sometimes don't know if this was really what I was supposed to do with my life. I will be going to talk to a counselor myself because I need some help processing all of this. Any wise words are appreciated, even those Devils Advocate's words will be taken into account.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:40 AM
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Replies (1-5):
aspoon02
by Alex on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:47 AM

What made you disengage. If BM is not in the picure and you are the CSM why did you feel the need to take a step back from the situation?

Ksterling02
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:54 AM

MIL and FIL are legal guardians, MIL told me and DH this summer(JUNE) that she will NEVER relinquish it. She has proceeded to try to express what a bad person I am yada yada yada. I felt I needed to disengage because of her not wanting her son to have custody of his child and I had been doing everything from the jump. I felt that removing/withdrawing from SD was the best thing to do as SD comes home for the past  2 1/2 years from visiting grandparents and is withdrawn to herself. DH has to ask her to come out of her room. SD is mean and sometimes only treats people nicely when they do things for her. I feel like I just need to be on the sidelines where DH and MIL have placed me. BTW, child was put on ADHD meds in November and DOES NOT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS!!! All because she didn't get any A's on reprot card, just B-'s and a C-. There's just a lot of mess and I need to redirect my energy into my DS, who has gotten the short end of the stick this entire relationship as I have made attempts to treat them fairly, if I buy for one the other gets something, if I discipline one, the other will get disciplined when needed.

Just needed to step back so I wouldnt be spit on anymore.

aspoon02
by Alex on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:57 AM

That makes sense and yes I think you made the right decesion! I hope it gets better for you!

UrpiWade
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:18 AM

I would have totally do what you did.  Sometimes we just have to disengage to protect ourselves! Having said that... and I know it is not the best thing in the world to consider... have you tried to seat with your MIL and have a heart to heart talk? To try the best to calmly tell her how much you both care for your girl and how much the fights are affecting her? I know it is hard (believe me, I know!) but at the end, it is for the little girl sake.

Anyway you want to handle it, I hope with all my heart that is the best for you and your SD.  I will pray for you and your family.

Ksterling02
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:36 AM


Quoting UrpiWade:

I would have totally do what you did.  Sometimes we just have to disengage to protect ourselves! Having said that... and I know it is not the best thing in the world to consider... have you tried to seat with your MIL and have a heart to heart talk? BEEN THERE DONE THAT! TURNED OUT HORRIBLE. MIL IS A NUT!! SHE WANTS THE CHILD TO HERSELF AND ALWAYS FINDS A REASON AS TO WHY I AM NOT THE BEST "ROLE MODEL" FOR SD.  To try the best to calmly tell her how much you both care for your girl and how much the fights are affecting her? I know it is hard (believe me, I know!) but at the end, it is for the little girl sake.  THE MIL WILL SAY, WELL YOU DON'T TREAT HER RIGHT. MY DEFENSE IS, SHE IS A CHILD WHO WILL RESPECT ADULTS AND HER STEPBROTHER. SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO IGNORE PEOPLE WHEN THEY ASK HER A SIMPLE QUESTION OR JUST BE FLAT OUT RUDE. I DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO CHANGE MY PARENTING FOR HER WHEN AS A SINGLE PARENT FOR 8 YEARS(DS IS NOW10), HE IS A GREAT KID. MIL HAS A HAND IN HOW SHE BEHAVES AS SHE HAD HER FROM 2 1/2-5 ALONE THEN DH CAME IN HER LIFE AGAIN. IT'S LIKE THERE'S NO SOLUTION BECAUSE MIL WANTS WHAT SHE WANTS AN WILL NOT BACK DOWN. IF IT WEREN'T ME, IT WOULD BE SOMEONE ELSE THAT SHE HAS ISSUES WITH.

Anyway you want to handle it, I hope with all my heart that is the best for you and your SD.  I will pray for you and your family. THANKS..I PRAY ABOUT IT, ONLY TIME WILL TELL. BUT HOPING MY DH STEPS UP AND TAKES HER TO THERAPY. SHE NEEDS IT. AND ALSO, SAD TO SAY...TAKES HIS MOM TO COURT TO HAVE CUSTODY OF HIS CHILD!! SD WILL MOST LIKELY BE GOING BACK TO LIVE WITH THEM AFTER CHRISTMAS BREAK....I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THINGS TURN OUT WELL FOR HER AND THEM. I JUST FEEL IT IS A MISTAKE AND THAT MIL WILL NOT SEND HER BACK. AND I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT NOT MY CHILD, NOT MY PROBLEM.


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