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After the BIG 1-8!!

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:48 AM
  • 10 Replies

Many of you in this group have been SM's a long time!  My DH has it in his head that when his DD turns 18, things are going to change for the better.  Meaning, he feels that she'll be able to make her own decisions w/out the influence of BM or BM can't tell her she can't be at our home/not allow her to come over.  (For those who aren't familiar w/my story-there is severe Parental Alienation in our situation)  We hardly see her/talk to her!  She's 16!!  Seeing or talking to us doesn't seem like it is important to her (if it is, she doesn't show it) 

She gripes because she & her BM doesn't get to see/talk to her brother (by BM-that BM lost custody of that lives not far from us-BM moved states away!) & she has 2 brothers by DH & I, that we've never kept them from her, she's always had their cell phone #'s, that she doesn't even BOTHER trying to stay in touch w/them.  NOTHING!(my YDS especially, used to call/text her all the time-she'd always be real short w/him & he always got an immediate g2g ttyl THAT'S gotta go, talk to you later!! That even he told me, "The heck w/it!" He's now 11...SAD right?)   My ODS (13) has said if she doesn't seem to want to see/talk to him or us, then he doesn't even want to see her!  He said it's like they have a sister but they don't :( Last time we saw her was June of this year, we've been lucky to talk to her since then. 

She's supposedly coming down to see everybody for Christmas (BM said SD acted like she really didn't want to) arrangements were made w/BM's MOTHER!!  (not DH!) DH had to call/text asking if/when she's coming.  It's sad all the way around!!  So does the BIG 18 make a difference?  Did any of you have SK's that it wasn't until after they were an adult, away from the BM, etc. that the SK's finally spoke to you more, came around more???  Is my DH going to be right? or is he just being hopeful, having wishful thinking?  His DD doesn't realize the severity of the situation, most kids don't, & I know it's not her fault.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Pero1
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:04 AM

There is no set age ... you'll have to wait until the penny drops. My SD was 22 or 23 when it did, now she no longer has contact with her BM.

Onlyus4
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM

Did you & your family deal w/the same type of things or behavior? 

Quoting Pero1:

There is no set age ... you'll have to wait until the penny drops. My SD was 22 or 23 when it did, now she no longer has contact with her BM.

 

rose0919
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:18 AM

dh has 2 adult children he has no relationship with(well one really the younger of the 2 is actually the sf child but dh and his xw were married so he has dhs last name dh was in the middle of the persion gulf when the child was concieved he didnt know she was pregnant till she gave birth) he has tried many many times to have relationships with them but in order to do that xw wants a relationship with him.  these kids are well into their 20ies still live with her  and she still controlls every move.  she would move ,change her phone number tell him to meet her never show up ect. dh didnt know any better so he didnt persue a relationship untill recently. well xw has reared her ugly side and has tried to get a relationship going with dh. dh wants nothing to do with her(she divorced sf and is doing the same thing to him with her younger 2 kids)  we happen to have mutual friends on fb and she keeps posting things on her page calling me the devil  lucifer, and pure evil that i wont let him see his kids. she has sent him emails from his daughters fb saying  they could be a happy family again if he would get rid of me. but untill that happens there will be no relationship. so no it wont ever change.

Onlyus4
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:48 AM

Isn't it amazing the control they posess!!  Not realizing that it is not in the kids best interest!!  Sounds like you have an awful situation as well!  I hope things get better for you guys!!   

Quoting rose0919:

dh has 2 adult children he has no relationship with(well one really the younger of the 2 is actually the sf child but dh and his xw were married so he has dhs last name dh was in the middle of the persion gulf when the child was concieved he didnt know she was pregnant till she gave birth) he has tried many many times to have relationships with them but in order to do that xw wants a relationship with him.  these kids are well into their 20ies still live with her  and she still controlls every move.  she would move ,change her phone number tell him to meet her never show up ect. dh didnt know any better so he didnt persue a relationship untill recently. well xw has reared her ugly side and has tried to get a relationship going with dh. dh wants nothing to do with her(she divorced sf and is doing the same thing to him with her younger 2 kids)  we happen to have mutual friends on fb and she keeps posting things on her page calling me the devil  lucifer, and pure evil that i wont let him see his kids. she has sent him emails from his daughters fb saying  they could be a happy family again if he would get rid of me. but untill that happens there will be no relationship. so no it wont ever change.

 

Pero1
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:24 PM


Quoting Onlyus4:

Did you & your family deal w/the same type of things or behavior? 

Quoting Pero1:

There is no set age ... you'll have to wait until the penny drops. My SD was 22 or 23 when it did, now she no longer has contact with her BM.


I wasn't with DF back then, but from his recollection he dealt with an awful lot of accusations from SD .... she notices now that it was mostly BM's doing. Unfortunately, she was treated by BM just like DF was, hence no further contact between SD and BM.

pepper504
by Gold Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:30 PM

It depends on the person and the severity of the PA going on. 

yesmaam
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:22 PM

 If its' PAS turning 18 won't be a magic wand, SD is essentially brain washed.

rebeccasmly
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:29 PM

My SKs are not 18 yet so I can't say for sure. I would think there is no set age though. It could take several years before SD realizes that BF loves her and wants her, especially with severe PA. DH is just going to have to be patient and always have his arms open and keep reaching out to her.

Charli627
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:55 PM


Quoting pepper504:

It depends on the person and the severity of the PA going on. 

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sassy711
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 8:16 AM

The age of the child really doesn't matter when there has been PAS.  Your DH is deluding himself into believing that all the "ugly" will magically disappear at 18.  It doesn't.  As another poster mentioned, the SD has been brainwashed by BM and that takes years to undo (if at all).  SD may eventually understand or she may never understand.  The only thing in DH's favor is that typically, at the age of 18 a child is no longer accountable to a parent, and the parent no longer has a legal responsibility to the child.  If the SD continues to live with BM after 18, then the PAS will likely continue.  The best scenario is if SD moves out of BM's home after 18 and is no longer financially dependent upon BM.  Once a kid lives on their own, the chances of them understanding the level of PAS can increase, and re-establishing a relationship with a parent can (not always) occur.  Good luck.

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