A little back story: My SD is 9 and I've been her full time mom since she was 5. Her BM moved out of state the summer before my SD started Kindergarten and other than sending a couple cards every couple months and calling her on her birthday the BM doesn't communicate with her daughter until the summer (when she goes to stay with BM and maternal grandparents) and every other Christmas (when she also goes to visit them).
At the beginning of this school year the BM drove down with her parents and my SD and insisted on going to register my SD at a new school. That's not a big deal. We went in and she wanted to fill out the paperwork but got mad at my husband when she didn't know who my SD's doctor was or a lot of other information. She stated that she wanted her brother on the list of people it's okay to have pick up my SD. I said no as her brother has a drinking problem and has made no effort to be a part of my SD's life for the last five years. She hardly knows him. So we put people like Great Grandma, my husband's sister, etc. Of course this made the BM mad.
She then went in and had a special meeting with my SD's teacher where she basically told her that I am too strict and asked the teacher to report to her if it seemed like my SD was having a hard time at home! She also told the teacher that my SD has ADHD (which she doesn't, she's been tested for it and she doesn't have it) and she said that my SD is socially awkward and has a hard time making friends (which again is the furthest thing from the truth).
I learned all this and never said anything to BM because I figure my involvement vs. her lack of involvement speaks for itself. However, now things are getting more complicated as the BM wants more regular updates, but won't call my SD and talk to her and she refuses to talk to me. My husband works between 60 and 80 hours a week. He tries to update her as he can, but she wants more. How do we handle this? I resent this a little as she's never had an interest before and basically abandoned her daughter to me when her daughter was five. She didn't know me and she didn't care as long as she didn't have to take care of her daughter. I got used to not having her involved and this new involvement, though I think it is good for my SD, is a real nightmare for me.
How do I adjust? Mostly, I just grin and deal with it, but underneath it wears on my nerves. Any advice?