Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Hard time adjusting to BM's new interest in SD.

Posted by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 10:52 AM
  • 14 Replies

A little back story: My SD is 9 and I've been her full time mom since she was 5. Her BM moved out of state the summer before my SD started Kindergarten and other than sending a couple cards every couple months and calling her on her birthday the BM doesn't communicate with her daughter until the summer (when she goes to stay with BM and maternal grandparents) and every other Christmas (when she also goes to visit them).

At the beginning of this school year the BM drove down with her parents and my SD and insisted on going to register my SD at a new school. That's not a big deal. We went in and she wanted to fill out the paperwork but got mad at my husband when she didn't know who my SD's doctor was or a lot of other information. She stated that she wanted her brother on the list of people it's okay to have pick up my SD. I said no as her brother has a drinking problem and has made no effort to be a part of my SD's life for the last five years. She hardly knows him. So we put people like Great Grandma, my husband's sister, etc. Of course this made the BM mad.

She then went in and had a special meeting with my SD's teacher where she basically told her that I am too strict and asked the teacher to report to her if it seemed like my SD was having a hard time at home! She also told the teacher that my SD has ADHD (which she doesn't, she's been tested for it and she doesn't have it) and she said that my SD is socially awkward and has a hard time making friends (which again is the furthest thing from the truth).

I learned all this and never said anything to BM because I figure my involvement vs. her lack of involvement speaks for itself. However, now things are getting more complicated as the BM wants more regular updates, but won't call my SD and talk to her and she refuses to talk to me. My husband works between 60 and 80 hours a week. He tries to update her as he can, but she wants more. How do we handle this? I resent this a little as she's never had an interest before and basically abandoned her daughter to me when her daughter was five. She didn't know me and she didn't care as long as she didn't have to take care of her daughter. I got used to not having her involved and this new involvement, though I think it is good for my SD, is a real nightmare for me.

How do I adjust? Mostly, I just grin and deal with it, but underneath it wears on my nerves. Any advice?

by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
laird6372
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 10:58 AM
2 moms liked this

DH can send her emails. That way it's DOCUMENTED what was said, and it's on HIS schedule to send, and on her's to read/reply. My DH will ONLY speak to his ex via email unless an emergency. I'd honestly start documenting everything just in case. With her overinvolvement after years of little involvement, she's probably going to try to get custody.

As for you dealing with it, it has to be hard. I think you are handling it good. Smile and be polite for SD, but you don't have to like BM. Just be sure not to say/do anything where SD can see/hear it.

marinesfeeding babyteen girltoddler boytoddler girl
Proud momma of 4 kids, three of my own and one who didn't grow in my belly but has taken over my heart!

rissamom224
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:00 AM
I mean what can you do.
Do whats in the best insterst of DD. If BM seems unstable its only going to hurt your dd.
So idk maybe get sone court orders of where she stands in vistation.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Trisi
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:06 AM
Well, every school gives the option to mail any reports sent home to the noncustodial parent. She can call the school and give them her address. They'll send her report cards, midterm reports, etc. She doesn't have to go through you guys, she can go through the school for that. As far as ADHD, they won't do anything about it unless there is paperwork from the Dr. I'm sure the teacher can see for him or herself that there are no social issues for your SD.
As for the way you deal with it, do what you've been doing. Her "mom" will show her true colors, and so will you. She knows who is there for her and who's not.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
MamaMoopsie
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:22 AM


Quoting laird6372:

DH can send her emails. That way it's DOCUMENTED what was said, and it's on HIS schedule to send, and on her's to read/reply. My DH will ONLY speak to his ex via email unless an emergency. I'd honestly start documenting everything just in case. With her overinvolvement after years of little involvement, she's probably going to try to get custody.

As for you dealing with it, it has to be hard. I think you are handling it good. Smile and be polite for SD, but you don't have to like BM. Just be sure not to say/do anything where SD can see/hear it.

Oh, I never say anything negative about BM around my SD. She doesn't need to hear that. It's already hard enough on her having to explain to friends how her BM is not around.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:27 AM

Have your DH send her a weekly update email.  That way it is all documented what he says and what she responds with. 

As for you, just keep doing what you are doing.  :)

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:27 AM
She is the mom. It's the downfall for stepparents that step in and take over the role of the absent parent. There is always that chance that the absent parent will show back up and decide to finally be a parent. Men have been doing it for decades. That is why my husband adopted my son. Bio father was absent and my husband was raising my son. So we made it legal so that we would not have to go through any back and forth in my son's life whenever he felt like stepping in. I think it's always wonderful when parents finally wake up and realize that they have a child that they need to take care of. Some parents take longer than others to realize that they have been missing years and years of their kids lives. The child only benefits from having both of their parents actively involved in their lives.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MamaMoopsie
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:33 AM


Quoting momof2ex1:

She is the mom. It's the downfall for stepparents that step in and take over the role of the absent parent. There is always that chance that the absent parent will show back up and decide to finally be a parent. Men have been doing it for decades. That is why my husband adopted my son. Bio father was absent and my husband was raising my son. So we made it legal so that we would not have to go through any back and forth in my son's life whenever he felt like stepping in. I think it's always wonderful when parents finally wake up and realize that they have a child that they need to take care of. Some parents take longer than others to realize that they have been missing years and years of their kids lives. The child only benefits from having both of their parents actively involved in their lives.


I really do try to think of it positively, yes it's a pain in the butt, but she's finally taking an interest. That's a good thing, right? She still doesn't do anything financially for her daughter, but we've been doing okay in that department and don't necessarily need anything financially. She still doesn't actively communicate with my SD and when my SD calls her, the BM always says she's too busy to talk. So, there's still room for improvement, but at least she's showing an interest.

Mommyof5247
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:38 AM


Quoting pepper504:

Have your DH send her a weekly update email.  That way it is all documented what he says and what she responds with. 

As for you, just keep doing what you are doing.  :)

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this

I can sure relate to the "parent of convenience" syndrome with somewhat absent BM. My skids BM moved away about 6 months after she divorced DH, leaving the kids with their Dad. She left to marry the man she was having an affair with because he was in the Air Force and being stationed out of state. Anyway, DH raised thekids alone that first year with a little help from me when we started dating. I met DH when the kids were 3, 5, and 7 and began to fill in for BM due to her absence (at the time it seemed like the natural thing to do). We married and DH got out of the military so we moved to nearby townto settle down, but because of the transition period and the fact that BM was settled already with her new DH, the kids went to live with BM for the school year. Long story short, it went terrible, and BM signed an agreement to allow DH to have primary physical custody with the clause that the kids wll beable to choose where they live when they reach middle school age (stupid move). So for the past 4 years the kids have lived with DH and I until this school year when my OSD (13) went to live with BM (not her choice, parents made that call). Anyway, BM has had an on again off again relationship with the kids due to her bipolar and going through periods of withdrawing from the world. So I have done everything for the kids and don't really expect much from her, just kind of go with the flow. She wants to move to our area next spring to live closer to her kids so I am kinda nervous that it will be difficult for me to adjust to having her more involved.I am happy for the kids though, asumming that she doesn't just make more drama, I'm glad they will have their mother in their lives. I just recommened not fighting BM's involvement, as destructive or pointless as you think it may be, it's not worth it. Just keep doing your thing and stay positive toward your skids, knowing you may have to do a little damage control. The kids have to learn for themselves the truth about their parents, and determine what relationship they will have with them. You cannot control that or change it, you can only continuing being a great stepmom to your skids and hope for the best! i know this is all easier said then done though, I still struggle with it too.

lnr187
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 12:24 PM

 this.

Quoting laird6372:

DH can send her emails. That way it's DOCUMENTED what was said, and it's on HIS schedule to send, and on her's to read/reply. My DH will ONLY speak to his ex via email unless an emergency. I'd honestly start documenting everything just in case. With her overinvolvement after years of little involvement, she's probably going to try to get custody.

As for you dealing with it, it has to be hard. I think you are handling it good. Smile and be polite for SD, but you don't have to like BM. Just be sure not to say/do anything where SD can see/hear it.

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN