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evil step mom to adult daughter

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:34 AM
  • 13 Replies

good morning!  The past week has been hell!  My step daughter, who has been trouble since I knew her before I actually met & married her dad 24 years ago,  is acting like a "holier than thou' hypocrite & spoiled brat extraordinaire!"  She invites herself , her husband, 3 teen boys & 1 girlfriend to my house without asking if we might have any other plans.  They over-stay, eat us out of house & home, insist on dining "out" at least once (we pay for all), investigate OUR bedroom, check through drawers & closets when we aren't around & then proceed to slam me when I DO say something that they don't like. (like asking them to contribute to groceries).  They are also in some religious group that condones the "using" of others as Gods' will....I say BS!!!  

She told me her 2 dogs have peed & pooped all over her house but she wants tp bring them here. Her father said he never asked if she planned on bringing the dogs so I wrote & told her NOT to bring them.  She is just livid!!

She claims she is family & should not have to come here & contribute.  Her dad & I are retired business owners & she & her husband told us "we have $$ so share"...she says I was rude to suggest any kind of restrictions on her & family.  her dad agrees with me but when confronted by her, he backs down & says he doesn't want to get involved.  SO!  NO SUPPORT!!!

She never showed up thru the years we had a business (she has never worked) but now, because we have retired & have a big, beautiful house, she feels we need to be the "grand-parents" to her kids....while I do enjoy having her boys, I DON'T like entertaining her.  She even says we need to contribute to her oldest boys Bible camp tuition!

By the way, thru conversations with several other family members (blood relatives), they all have the same feelings about her & are able to make themselves unavailable to her visits .  My husband seems to just be a big puddle at her feet!!!  

Please don't lecture me on the "dad wants to make things better now 'cause he got divorced" syndrome....we get along fine until this brat shows up.  Then he seems to forget he has a wife who is NOT into spoiling his grown kid!!

He has a son who I get along with just great!!  He doesn't even want his sister around!!  What does THAT tell you?!

I am seeing a counselor about this situation, finally...I need someone to help sort this mess out with me.  While I want her to visit, bring her family, I want her to know there are bounderies.

Thanks all for listening.  I'll post an update after I see this counselor & hopefully see a light at the end of this dreary tunnel!

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:34 AM
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by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:57 AM
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I agree, sd and family needs boundaries. If they can't respect your boundaries in YOUR house, they should find a different place to stay.

i have a similiar situation with my ss. He and his wife are both lazy and don't do ANYTHING when they come and stay with us. They too have a dog that messes every time they come. Last year for Christmas, we gave them 2 wks notice to find a place for their dog bc I didn't want him here. There was a big fight bc of the dog. Ss called dad & me horrible names and sent dad disparaging emails. I put my foot down and told him unless he can talk to us like an adult (he's 29 yo) he is not welcome in our home....

good luck to you...I hope it works out! 

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:11 AM

How long do they stay when they visit?   I definately would not want the animals in my house!   You have a right to boundaries.. you are the leading lady in your home you dont need bullied by her.   Sounds weird.. disrespectful.

by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 8:23 AM

Your DH needs to tell his daughter that in her home she is queen bee and in YOUR home you are queen bee.  Your home, your rights, her home her rights.  Don't cave in to her demands.  She is a grown woman and it sounds as if she's using everyone she can.  1) no dog  2) your home your rules  3) set a limit on how long they can stay  4) tell DH you expect him to support this.  Good luck

by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 8:48 AM

I have a 20 yr old step daughter, she told me between the curse words and names that if her father never would had been married to me she' had a relationshp with her father. She blames me. I since then have disengaged. I demand respect and if I cant get it then she needs to not ask me for anything,.. Im not to blame here and I refuse to take the blame. I chalk it up to alienating and just bad choices. I regret that I didnt do this years ago, when she was a child, bc maybe now I wouldnt be the blame. But what can you do? its too lte now, I only wish Id stepped back left my mom instincts elsewhere and lt happen what happens. My husband loves her but bc o hier moher was spitefu ad vindictive it was hrd to even et visitation. He paid every dime of hld support, owes zero. Now i feel as thou she is just waiting for me todie or something.. lol its very sad how things turn ot.

by Bronze Member on Dec. 19, 2012 at 1:18 PM

1. I do not taken in "company" for any reason. Nor do I inflict myself on others. If I can't afford a hotel-I don't go.

2. I have dogs, but have NEVER inflicted my canines onto others=RUDE!!!

3. Tell DD that since you all are "retired" you are too "tired" to have extended company. All that noise and disruption would just be too much for DH and yourself.

4. Recommend some nice places in THEIR pricerange. Tell them that you would be happy to meet them for dinner-"Dutch".  They can pay their own way.

5. OR- tell these people that you would LOVE to visit with them-but you've already planned a trip out of town. Tell them you would love to see them next Christmas!

by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 3:38 PM
Girl thats a mess you have. Why do the father's let the girls just run over them? I'll be praying for you...
by Silver Member on Dec. 19, 2012 at 9:32 PM
Definitely talk to your husband about how you feel and how you should have a united front about his daughter and her family manipulating your generosity. Perhaps they can set a visitation schedule so her family can come for dinner every other Thursday. So it's not a surprise, he can still visit his grandkids and you aren't overwhelmed by unwanted company.

If you want to really piss SD off and teach her a lesson I say next time you're out to dinner with them go to "the bathroom" and ask the waiter to bring separate checks for your husband and yourself. Or buy her Henny Penny for Christmas, it's a kid story about how if you don't contribute you don't get a share of the ending wealth. (This is kind of a bold thing you can just imagine doing to make you feel better tho lol)
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by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 10:52 PM

Quoting tiredmama42:

How long do they stay when they visit?   I definately would not want the animals in my house!   You have a right to boundaries.. you are the leading lady in your home you dont need bullied by her.   Sounds weird.. disrespectful.

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by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 7:45 AM

so I gather her father had nothing to do with her all the years she was growing up?

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you all fro your replys.  We all seem to be in agreement over this kid.  

saw a counselor last pm.  Within 1 hr. of talk, she was able to absolutely say that this kid NEEDS to be told what is going on in MY house....not what SHE feels is going to be.  Without a doubt, I have no support from my husband (her dad), therefore, I MUST be the one to set rules etc.    She told me that this is going to be rather hard to do based on this kids'  history of having her way.  So, step 1 is, if I don't like something, step up & SAY SO!  Immediatly!  Short & to the point is the best approach.  I shoud NOT have to repeat myself...but...if I do...ask her if she did not quite understand something & repeat again.  Be ready for fireworks!  Then say "sorry you're not happy with this arrangement but this is what works for me"...then...walk away.  Amazingly, I feel calmer & "armed" since my visit with the counselor.  We'll see how things go in 2 weeks when the "SD from Hell" arrives.

This is not a "1 time cure-all" for us.  It may take more time to get the point across to this woman.  She WILL challenge me.  I'm tired already but to save MY sanity I WILL defend MY rightful place not only in this house but in MY OWN LIFE!

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