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BM wants to follow us wherever we go.....

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:19 AM
  • 23 Replies

So the other night I had a long conversation wth BM on the phone as we do every so often. We have kinda of an interesting relationship, we get along well but there are some things she does regarding the kids that I do not like, but I keep those opinions to myself. She seems to like me but I'm sure there are a few jealousies that come from me raising her kids (understandably). Anyway, her Dh is getting out of the military this spring and BM plans to move to our area. DH thinks it will just be more drama but I am trying to think positive and am happy that the kids will have more access to BM.  I even offered to assist BM in looking for rental but honestly I think she is in a bit over her head. The only reason she wants to move near us is to be near the kids, which is great except that BM know that we may end up moving across the country in a few years and she expressed last night that she would want to move if we move. That tells me that she is trying to plan her life around ours which is sure to end up backfiring. Financially they will only be able to afford a 2 or 3 bedroom home and they have 6 six kids between them. BM SS is 18 but will still be living with them to finish school and BM's other two skids are 10 and 8 and they come for visitaion all summer and some holidays. Bm currently also has my SD13 living with her, but told me last night she wants her to move back with us next year and SD11 live with her instead. Either way, she will not have enough room for all the kids to come visit. Part of me wants to tell her that she should just do what's best for her and not base her desicions of of what we do, but I know that will probably come across the wrong way. Should I just continue to be helpful in finding her a rental and act like everything will be great or should I step back and let her figure things out on her own? Most likely she will ask to come stay at our house for a weekend to look at houses at some point (she has spent the night at our house once before), and ask me to take her around to see each house etc. Thoughts?

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pepper504
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:29 AM
1 mom liked this

I'd let her figure it all out.  She's not planning her life around your's, she sounds like she is planning it around where her kids will be, which is with you all. 

needsupport100
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

imo-the ss that is 18 is old enough to work and SHOULD assist in paying the bills especially if that includes needign a bigger house to fit him "too". otherwise, he's not even a variable.

other wise, don't help bm because that give her room to possibly say "SHE (you) picked it and it's too expensive for me, that's why i need extra $" or something along that nature.

let her do her, you do you. if she's in over her head, that's her problem.

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:51 AM
2 moms liked this

She isn't planning her life around you.  She is planning her life around having access to her kids.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:14 PM

I get that, but by default, she is planning around us and I just don't think it will go as smotthly as she thinks it will. She was basically saying she wants to move to the East coast with us if we end up moving there in a few years. Yet her DH doesn't even want to move here at all and would rather move to his hometown or closer to his kids, but Bm is very strong-willed.  Her Dh is the one who has to get a job to support the family so moving around at her will is not reasonable. I have no problem with Bm wanting to be closer to her kids, she has spent 4 years apart from them so it makes sense. I just don't think it's practical to plan around us (meaning the kids too since they live with us).

Quoting GlockMom:

She isn't planning her life around you.  She is planning her life around having access to her kids.


rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:23 PM

I understand that. I guess I just feel like she is doing all of this blindly, wanting to be closer to her kids, but the novelty will eventually wear off. I know that sounds bad, but it happens all the time with her. She wanted SD13 to live with her so much and now that she is, after 4 months she wants to send her back and swap out for SD11. Dh worries that it will become a a situation where BM does not have the room, or interest of dealing with the kids day to day life so she will want to be the every other weekend mom and the kids will feel rejected by her lack of interest. I guess it doesn't matter though, not much we can do except go on with our lives and see what happens. I already offered to help out with looking for rentals so I don't want to break my word, but I think I will just do a little research and send it to ther to handle.

Quoting pepper504:

I'd let her figure it all out.  She's not planning her life around your's, she sounds like she is planning it around where her kids will be, which is with you all. 


GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:24 PM


Quoting rocknmom85:

I get that, but by default, she is planning around us and I just don't think it will go as smotthly as she thinks it will. She was basically saying she wants to move to the East coast with us if we end up moving there in a few years. Yet her DH doesn't even want to move here at all and would rather move to his hometown or closer to his kids, but Bm is very strong-willed.  Her Dh is the one who has to get a job to support the family so moving around at her will is not reasonable. I have no problem with Bm wanting to be closer to her kids, she has spent 4 years apart from them so it makes sense. I just don't think it's practical to plan around us (meaning the kids too since they live with us).

Quoting GlockMom:

She isn't planning her life around you.  She is planning her life around having access to her kids.


I would leave my DH.  He wants to do the same thing.  Move closer to his kids.  Why is it logical for them to be close to his kids but not to hers?

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:30 PM

Well, why is it logical to be near hers and not his? It goes both ways. But her DH has hesitantly agreed to go along with BM for now, but not sure if that will last. Honeslty, his kids need him pretty desperately, the mother of his kids is neglectful and unfit. He wants to get custody of them but BM won't let him because my SD11 and her SD10 hate eachother and BM refuses to have them in the same house at one time.

Quoting GlockMom:

 

Quoting rocknmom85:

I get that, but by default, she is planning around us and I just don't think it will go as smotthly as she thinks it will. She was basically saying she wants to move to the East coast with us if we end up moving there in a few years. Yet her DH doesn't even want to move here at all and would rather move to his hometown or closer to his kids, but Bm is very strong-willed.  Her Dh is the one who has to get a job to support the family so moving around at her will is not reasonable. I have no problem with Bm wanting to be closer to her kids, she has spent 4 years apart from them so it makes sense. I just don't think it's practical to plan around us (meaning the kids too since they live with us).

Quoting GlockMom:

She isn't planning her life around you.  She is planning her life around having access to her kids.

 

I would leave my DH.  He wants to do the same thing.  Move closer to his kids.  Why is it logical for them to be close to his kids but not to hers?


rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:36 PM

I agree her SS is old enough to get a job but he still has another year of HS (he got held back) to finish so I don't knoe if they should just kick him on the streets quite yet. But once he does move out then they will still only have two kid rooms for 5 kids, one of which is autistic and really needs her own room. I just think BM would be better off living somewhere she can afford to get a big anough house for everyone. I think the lack of space and chaos of kids coming in and out will really stress her out, she doesn't not handle changes and adjustments very well (self-admitted).

Quoting needsupport100:

imo-the ss that is 18 is old enough to work and SHOULD assist in paying the bills especially if that includes needign a bigger house to fit him "too". otherwise, he's not even a variable.

other wise, don't help bm because that give her room to possibly say "SHE (you) picked it and it's too expensive for me, that's why i need extra $" or something along that nature.

let her do her, you do you. if she's in over her head, that's her problem.


chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:54 PM
I agree. She isn't planning around you....she is planning around her kids. Looks like she will do whatever she needs to do in order to be near them. If she does move close to you, she COULD possibly stop you from moving across the country in a few years. It doesn't seem like you even have much of a plan yourself if you are unsure about moving across the country.

Quoting rocknmom85:

I get that, but by default, she is planning around us and I just don't think it will go as smotthly as she thinks it will. She was basically saying she wants to move to the East coast with us if we end up moving there in a few years. Yet her DH doesn't even want to move here at all and would rather move to his hometown or closer to his kids, but Bm is very strong-willed.  Her Dh is the one who has to get a job to support the family so moving around at her will is not reasonable. I have no problem with Bm wanting to be closer to her kids, she has spent 4 years apart from them so it makes sense. I just don't think it's practical to plan around us (meaning the kids too since they live with us).


Quoting GlockMom:


She isn't planning her life around you.  She is planning her life around having access to her kids.



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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:55 PM
1 mom liked this

Just step back.  I'm sure she and her husband will work something out, but it's probably not a good idea to be influencing their decision (directly or indirectly).  If moving to your area isn't really feasible, she'll figure that out, too.

BM of my SKs talked about moving to our area for a while.  Her husband (then boyfriend) was vehemently opposed to the move because of the commute it would cause him.  In the end, they moved to the area he wanted to live in, which is even further away from us than she had been.  She complains about the distance from time to time and will accuse us of moving to BFE to keep the kids away from her, but we all know that's a load of bull.  DH and I haven't budged since we met, whereas she has moved 6 times giving her 6 different opportunities to be closer to the kids that she chose not to take.  With that in mind, I'd take everything BM says about moving to your area with a grain of salt.  She may do it, or it may just be a nice idea in her head that will never come to fruition.

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