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Am I being hypocritical?

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 8:51 PM
  • 39 Replies
My oldest two children are not my dh's bio kids. He's been a part of their lives for almost 4 years. (kids are 5 and 4) Their bio dad is not really in the picture. (he's been in prison for 3, almost 4 years. And his earliest release is in 2019. He doesn't call anymore, but he sends the kids bday cards.)
This passed year, my kids have started calling DH "dad" and referring to their bio dad as "Josh" or "daddy Josh". They did this on their own accord. And he, and I, are both ok with it.

I would not allow my SS to call me "mom" or any form of it. And DH would be upset if his son called another man "dad".

Now if BD were married and they had a SM, I would NOT want them calling her "mom" or "mommy (whatever her name would be)".

My exMIL says I am a hypocrite because I let my kids call him dad when I would not want them calling a SM, mom. But if BD was active in their lives I doubt they would be calling DH "dad".

Am I justified? Or am I being a hypocrite?
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by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 8:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jessiesluv
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 8:53 PM
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So dad doesn't care?

Sunivondea
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:03 PM
He does care. But he feels like he isn't in a position to put up a fuss about it.

Quoting jessiesluv:

So dad doesn't care?

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Mommyof5247
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:08 PM
I guess technically, it's hypocritical but the kids want & need a father figure in their lives. They have known your DH just about as long as they knew BD & it's pretty tough to be a parent from behind bars.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:18 PM

Honestly, if BD can't or won't be a parent I think their opinion shouldn't count as much. My BD was never around, I didn't ask his permission to call my SF dad/daddy I just did. I didn't care what he thought about it. And I've never called him dad/daddy, I call him by his first name. He wasn't around by choice.

Your ex is in prision due to choices he's made in life that have made it impossible for him to be a parent to his children. You're right, if he was an active role in his kids' lives they probably would call their SF by his first name and called BD dad/daddy. You ARE an active roll in your kids' lives, so if they had a SM she wouldn't be a "replacement" mother, she'd be a SM. Your husband was given the choice of being a "replacement" father, or a SF, he chose to step up and be a father to them.

shanlee42
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:28 PM
2 moms liked this
You are in a tough position but I still don't think your children should call another man dad. Is BD detained? Yes. Is he is a position to argue? No. But you have no idea what he is dealing with where he is at or even how he feels.

Maybe your children could find a special name for your DH. Something that they know if special to only him.

Unfortunately you can never really know how BD would really be with his children because he is detained.
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FindersKeepers
by Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 9:40 PM
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I disagree.   If the kids came up with calling him "dad" on their own, then I would just let it be.

I think it would have been bad for you to force it, but you didn't.  Your kids observe other people in the world the behavior they have associated with the term 'dad" fits the person who is raising them.  If their BD  was in the picture they might have called him something else, but BD is not in the picture.  

IMO this issue is not really about DH or BD... it is about the kids.... they they have made their choice.

Quoting shanlee42:

You are in a tough position but I still don't think your children should call another man dad. Is BD detained? Yes. Is he is a position to argue? No. But you have no idea what he is dealing with where he is at or even how he feels.

Maybe your children could find a special name for your DH. Something that they know if special to only him.

Unfortunately you can never really know how BD would really be with his children because he is detained.


Sunivondea
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:34 PM
That is what I was trying to explain to my exMIL. I'm gonna have to read her your comment. Thanks :)

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Honestly, if BD can't or won't be a parent I think their opinion shouldn't count as much. My BD was never around, I didn't ask his permission to call my SF dad/daddy I just did. I didn't care what he thought about it. And I've never called him dad/daddy, I call him by his first name. He wasn't around by choice.

Your ex is in prision due to choices he's made in life that have made it impossible for him to be a parent to his children. You're right, if he was an active role in his kids' lives they probably would call their SF by his first name and called BD dad/daddy. You ARE an active roll in your kids' lives, so if they had a SM she wouldn't be a "replacement" mother, she'd be a SM. Your husband was given the choice of being a "replacement" father, or a SF, he chose to step up and be a father to them.

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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:46 PM
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In all honesty, yes you are being a hypocrite. Even though you know I love ya!!!

You, yourself have stated you would not want an SM to be called mom by your children so why should it be different for your ex? Ok he is in prison but he is still their father. Your kids are young enough and old enough to be taught what to call their stepfather. They are the perfect age. My stepdad was my dad my entire life and I've never called him 'dad'. I do have a dad. Even though he was never around and he isn't around now, my stepdad was already real specific in that mom and dad are special names for mom and dad. He was always there for us but just respected that we had a dad and that any time he could come back in our lives, my stepdad wanted us to know who he was. I've always respected him for that.
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MommaC11
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, you're being hypocritical.

But here's the other side of the coin -- Why tell your kids who they can and cannot love and what that individual person means to them and their life? For example, your husband, who's been there for your kids the last four years, is a "father" to them, although he is not their biological father. That doesn't make their biological father any less.... he's just not particularly a good one, whether by choice or force. That's irrelevant. But your husband? Entirely by choice. Let your own kids define him as daddy because that's what he is to them. 

The reverse to this, though, is coming to a point where you can knowingly and lovingly accept another female "motherly" figure in your children's lives. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, and maybe your ex will be out of prison and be Dad of the Year with New Wife/StepMom of the Year.

I, personally, think it is more healthy to embrace the extra attention and love and support for your kids because telling them that "loving someone else like a mother/father is bad" is just too difficult an emotion to try to abolish. Your children's hearts are like balloons -- they can always expand to fit more people inside to love -- but they will always know who Mommy and Daddy are so long as you keep them present.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:31 PM

It would have broken my heart to be told that I couldn't call my dad (SF) dad/daddy. Maybe for me it's a bit different he came into my life when I was 5 and until I was 9 was the only father I ever knew. And even then my biological father was very inconsistent in my life (saw me once a year for 4-6 days when his mom took me on family camping trips with them).

Quoting Sunivondea:

That is what I was trying to explain to my exMIL. I'm gonna have to read her your comment. Thanks :)

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Honestly, if BD can't or won't be a parent I think their opinion shouldn't count as much. My BD was never around, I didn't ask his permission to call my SF dad/daddy I just did. I didn't care what he thought about it. And I've never called him dad/daddy, I call him by his first name. He wasn't around by choice.

Your ex is in prision due to choices he's made in life that have made it impossible for him to be a parent to his children. You're right, if he was an active role in his kids' lives they probably would call their SF by his first name and called BD dad/daddy. You ARE an active roll in your kids' lives, so if they had a SM she wouldn't be a "replacement" mother, she'd be a SM. Your husband was given the choice of being a "replacement" father, or a SF, he chose to step up and be a father to them.


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