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Biological Son not invited to Cookie Making with Stepson to Stepsons Grandparents Home

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:42 AM
  • 102 Replies

Sometimes I don't know if I'm overreacting to a blended family situation so here goes: I married a man who's wife and middle daughter were killed in a tragic car accident over 10 years ago. I am stepmom to his 12 year son. I have one bio son who is 15. My stepsons grandparents(my husbands first wifes parents) live in the same town as we do. The grandparents are having a cookie making/decorating party and have invited my stepson along with his two cousins that are close in age to their house. My son was not invited. I realize the age difference and perhaps my son wouldn't even want to go but it hurts my feelings that my stepson was invited but my son was excluded. This is not the first time this type of situation has come up. My husband spoke with the grandfather about including my son in things but nothing has changed. On the occasion that we are ALL invited for a holiday meal we take it for granted that my son is included. But in specific occasions like cookie decorating or ice skating or the movies, my son is not invited. My husband is really not much support because he feels that the grandparents didn't sign up for this and the age difference. To me, it's just a bunch of excuses and it hurts my heart terribly. Honestly, I don't even want to be around the grandparents because I feel angry that they have left my son out. Any suggestions or advice? Thank you so much.

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:42 AM
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by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:45 AM
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No advice, but I agree with you. The grandparents should include your son. They don't HAVE to, but it would be the right thing to do. But that's just my opinion.

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:46 AM
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So, these are SS's maternal grandparents?

SS is their grandchild. Your son is not. SS's grandparents have no responsibility to include or invite your child to their family events.
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by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:46 AM
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I AGREE with your husband. your kid isn't THEIR kid to worry about. and your not the only one.

my fiance's family when going on special events ask for sd, my family asks for dd, but they wont take sd.

this is a normal debate, i get your feelings, but they know he is not "their blood" so they may not feel like they HAVE to treat him as such.

i don't agree with it either, but turn a negative into a positive and take that chance to go do something special with the kid that is left out. that's what i have done with any child that is not included

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:48 AM

Who says the grandparents should l have to "sign up" for this? Your husband didn't want hsi wife and child to die either -- he didn't sign up for that -- but those are the cards he was dealt and he's found a way to cope and accept.

If this is something that truly bothers you, have a serious talk with your husband. He DID sign up for the marriage and should be able to see your point of view, even if he doesn't agree with it. He should be supportive, regardless, and find a way to have this conversation with the grandparents. Even if they don't agree, they should be able to understand your point of view as well. Maybe no compromise will be met, but maybe it can be.

But your husband is the first obstacle. Period.

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:50 AM

Talk to your son and see how he feels about it.  If it's an issue for him then take some action.  The flip side is that the g'parents may still be grieving over the loss of their daughter and grandaughter and therefore may feel they are betraying the memories of their lost ones if they do activities with your child.  After speaking with your son you find this behavior is an issue for him, then consider speaking with the grandparents yourself and explain your position.  How long have you been married to your DH?  That may be a factor as well.  Good luck

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:50 AM
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Don't let it bother u so much. Does Ur son have his own bio grandparents? They both have separate grandparents? Try to understand the grandparents point of view.
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by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:51 AM
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They lost their daughter and granddaughter.  Can you imagine how difficult that is???  So what if they want to spend time with their dead daughter's son without sil's new wife's son tagging along.  This is not a personal slight against you or your son.  Try to have some empathy for what they have lost and how it is probably extra hard on the holidays.

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:52 AM

How old are the other children invited?

That is a big age gap and I wouldn't assume all our children should be invited to something specifically geared towards my older daughter and her age peers. KWIM?

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff: we have traditional gender roles, we're Catholic, I'm Libertarian, he's Republican, we're both conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee

by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:54 AM
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I agree with your DH. Your son is not their grandchild, not even through marriage. They shouldn't feel required to invite your son to their special times with their grandson.

by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 9:55 AM
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They are not your son's grandparents.  They are in no way whatsoever connected to you or your son, not biologically, not legally... they're acquaintances related to your SS .  If it was a divorce situation in which BM was alive, she would not be obligated - nor would her family be obligated - to invite your bio or any kids you and you husband had together to events/outings planned with her son.  That would actually be weird.  You and your son need to understand that the grandparents are part of SS's family, not yall's family.  If they want to spend time with their grandchildren, that is their right.  It's really rather silly to expect them to include their former son-in-law's stepchild as well.  Your husband sees the boundary correctly, but you need to re-evaluate. 

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