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Relationship with Biological Mother

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:33 AM
  • 39 Replies

I mostly wanted to open up this discussion for y'all to offer your story about how your relationship is with the biological mother.

I've mostly sat back and read all the posts and gathered a feel for how things are for a lot of y'all, and it seems to cover a really wide spectrum -- some of y'all have a rather tense relationship (if not vile!), some are not on speaking terms, while some have forged a level of friendship and mutual respect.

My relationship with the biological mom is actually very good now, but it wasn't always. When I came into the picture, it was a very fake and fragile "relationship" between us. Her relationship with my husband was pretty volatile too. They could barely speak without arguing. And not long after she and I formally met, my husband and I were granted primary custody of his daughter. (Her mom had kept her out of school until they met truancy violation, she was using drugs and leaving daughter in sketchy places by herself, neglect, etc..)

Now that she's pulled herself back together, things are much better. She barely remembers the period of time where we were granted custody because she was so out of it due to her drug use. Daughter, on the other hand, remembers it quite well but still adores her mother and is happy she's doing better.

Now -- bio mom calls or texts me daily, although I try to limit our talks to focus on daughter. She has visited her daughter four times now since July, which has been going well -- not great, but well. We hug and talk and carry on like normal, functional adults...but I'm still always leery that it will revert to the old ways of her being openly bitter and angry all the time, or even worse - reverting back to drug use. 

Anyway.... all is good in our neighborhood for now, and I am happy with it.

Please share yours too! Good or bad =)

We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird too. But when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with our own, we join up and fall into mutual weirdness and we call it love.

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CKuse
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:36 AM

We go back and forth. Things were horrible for a while.. and we have tried to mend bridges a few times and they just crumbled. We are at another good point, and trying again. But I think we are both realistic that we will never have a true friendship but we want a better relationship than we have had. Things are so much better when we can get along.

maria1613
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:37 AM
With SD, she's 18 so we never see BM unless it's a big life event for SD. Last time we saw her was at SD's grad party. Myself, SO, BM, and BM's DF all came togetherr and were all adults. She seems like a nice person but I saw where the teo (SO and BM) had problems. I have only seen her twice, so we don't have problems BUT I wouldn't call her up to chat or go for lunch or anything
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som610
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:39 AM

I don't even know how to explain the relationship I have with BM. lol She is fake. She is nice to my face and we can talk and get along but is always saying how I am an evil person and abusing her daughter (mentally and emotionally). I think for the most part she is a good mom to her kids but she is horrible when it comes to letting her enjot herself at our house.

So there is no relationship between us at all. We do not talk at all.  But it isn't volitale (at least not right now, she says if DH doesn't take care me she is going to grow some balls and do it herself)

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:52 AM

We have kind of an interesting relationship, we get along but there is some mild tension between her and DH that can make things kind of awkward. I don't want to take sides when it comes to DH and BM's disagreements but of course I need to be supportive of my husband, I just try to appear nuetral to BM. I do think BM has some issues, she is bipolar which is not her fault but she also can be selfish often which I believe she does have control of. Luckily I am the type of person who is good with people and I am always very polite and sweet when interacting with BM to avoid any tensions. Over the years we have been able to open up more and have had some pretty in-depth conversations about serious/deep stuff. That has kind of built a unique bond between us. I think of her as like a troubled relative that I have a love-hate relationship with. I don't say that to be rude or demeaning to her, she knows she is troubled (most of the time) and appreciates the understanding and support. However, like other people I have known with bipolar, there are periods of time when she becomes a different person, either withdrawn and depressed or impulsive, rude and emotionally unstable. I try to take everything with a grain of salt and just get along but I am human and definitely not perfect, so sometimes I get feelings of anger, sadness or jealousy, and I am sure she has those moments too. That's life though.

KLBrown
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:06 PM

Awesome. The 4 of us - me, my bf, his ex, and her bf - are all on very good terms & attend all the boys' sporting event & concerts together. Sometimes we even carpool to events.  (Bf & his ex can handle appointments & conferences just fine.) We have joint birthday parties (even destination parties, where we all share a hotel room). We've shared campers & boats.

She's not a bad person. They just weren't right for each other. We all work together to do what's best for the kids.

My kids have even asked me, when bf & I get married, if his ex will be their step-mom : )

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:16 PM

We are civil. I generally try to let DH handle everything regarding BM, but I will speak with her if she asks. I do not think BM is a good mother, but she isn't a poor enough mother for the state to remove her other kids from her care. We believe she is a habituable liar and she is very manipulative.

DH does a very good job of dealing with her when she gets aggravating, but unfortunately the backlash of her 'parenting' is left up to us to deal with when SS10 returns from her home.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:23 PM

BM is toxic and likes to play games.  I do not deal nor acknolwedge those who do that.  The less drama the better.  That being said, I have no relationship nor do I want one with DH's exwife.  Maybe that is why she tries so hard to get a rise out of me, I ignore her existence too well.

divinehammer
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:25 PM

I have a very odd relationship with BM too.  On one hand, she treats me well, and I truly believe deep down she's thankful to have me in her daughter's life.  When DH was going through an illness, she would call me privately to give me some tips, as she has dealt with it before.

But, she wants DH to be miserable.  She does not want him happy at all.  She's mean and catty to him, and verbally abusive.  She still lashes out at him constantly, trying to hurt his feelings.

She doesn't like me because he's finally a healthy, whole, happy person -- something he could never be with her.  Also, SD loves me to pieces, she doesn't seem to like that, either.  SD has recently started calling me "mom," through ZERO encouragement on my end, and that makes BM furious.

Sometimes I feel like she likes me, sometimes I feel like she resents me.  No idea.  She's never been outwardly mean to me, so I treat her with the utmost respect, though DH and I are very frank and open about how she treats him and SD...not good.

mcsmom1
by Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:27 PM

I hope someday we can have a healthy relationship.

It's been 2.5 years and BM and I have never spoken. She barely speaks to BD, occasional texts when she absolutely has to, is about it. They pick up and drop off at daycare or school, so they rarely come into contact with one another. She does not want to communicate. Her loss. Her lack of communication usually comes back to bite her in the ass, but it's her choice. It's all very strange.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:52 PM

 i dont like BM2. i honestly dont think id like her even if she wasnt his ex. she is everything i am not. she is materialistic, manipulative, fake and shallow. she also showed her ASS early on in our relationship. never anything SPECIFIC to me but she left a bad taste in my mouth and i will never trust her. THAT SAID... i have NEVER overstepped w her kids. i ALWAYS respected that SHE was their mother. i ahve NEVER treated her with anything but courtesy when ive had to deal with her. i also know her upbringing and past and do have some sympathy for her.

when she first had opportunity to talk to me, she tried to be my bestie right away. i was nice but i have clear boundaries when it comes to her and she can tell. i let SO deal w her when it comes to their kids. they are their kids, after all. they were not civil when i met SO and they are now, whoch i am glad. i am having an issue w her oversharing at the moment but that will be addressed soon. w HIM.

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