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What will skids relationship be with their BM in the future?

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 5:23 PM
  • 13 Replies

My husband has had full custody of his kids since they were 6 and 8 yo, that was 5.5 years ago.  BM gets 1 week of visitation per year but my husband has arranged for them to see her more, like 2-3 times per year.  BM talks to the skids on the phone all the time.  BM lives far away.

BM could see them more but chooses not to.  She has some mental illness but seems to function well in the past few years. 

We wonder if the skids will be close with BM when they get older, have their own families, etc.  A close friend of mine in college lived with her sdad.  Her BM visited her once in a while and she didn't have any relationship with her BD.  Her sdad did everything for her when we were in college and I always thought the situation was strange.  Its been 20+ years and now this same friend lives very close to her mom, sees her all the time and doesn't talk to the sdad at all.

I know that every situation is different and I don't know all of the details (or even most of the details).  What do you think?

by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 5:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 5:50 PM
I dont think this is something you can really predict.
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 6:04 PM

It's not predictable.  Relationship dynamics change all the time.

A year ago, my SD13 was still adamant that she wished I was her mom, which was awkward.  Now she's in a better place with her mom, the grass is greener on the other side.  She has gotten snotty as hell in her attitude lately, often running to mama for validation.  One awesome thing about BM though is she doesn't tolerate the 'tude either and won't rescue SD if/when she has earned herself some trouble.  I think a lot of it is typical, hormonal teen trying to manipulate things her own way (amplified by about a factor of 10 since BM and DH barely communicate thus enabling her to better play one off the other).  We're all sick of it.  Nonetheless, I couldn't predict what her relationships will be like with each of us tomorrow, much less when she's an adult.  I'd like to think she'll have a good relationship with all of us.  For the time being, it's whoever is most likely to tell her what she wants to hear / let her do what she wants to do. 

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 6:18 PM
You don't know. My stepson's mom passed away not even a year ago and he hasn't asked to go to her grave either when he was with us or his grandma(bm's mom). I'm sure that time will come in his teens?! I know there will be a time. I know my husband will do awesome comforting him when he wants to go. I really....at this time think I will not attend those moments. I just don't. If my stepson asked me to, of course but, I would rather not. I know that must sound awful but no for me...
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 7:35 PM
Not something you can predict. Honestly. It sounds as if you may be concerned that you and your husband have done everything for these kids and that they will grow up and be close to their mom who wasn't around. My dad did nothing. Even while he was married to my mom for over 13 years. My sister and him are tight. She fights with my mom and doesn't have a lot of respect for the man that did raise her but she forgives my dad constantly when he does things that disappoint her. No one could have predicted that they would be close since he wasn't around. I'm not close to him. My brother is forming a closeness to him. And he was definitely the one that we thought would never forgive him. But they have found some things in common and my brother has forgiven him for everything in the past. You just never know. I wouldn't dwell on it.
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whatIknownow
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 7:56 PM

I can't worry about what my stepkids' relationship with their mother will be like in the future. My only concern is what MY relationship with them will be like, and what my relationship will be like with my own children. Other relationships are not my business.

KellyReedy
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 8:20 PM

you just don't know.  many things can happen from now until the future!

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 21, 2012 at 7:46 AM

 My mother was the same as you described your BM is. My mother ended up moving to my state when I was 25. We became very very close until her death in 2002.

General statement: Some SM's who think that they can possibly thwart this relationship just because they were "there", may end up being very very wrong.

OvrMyHead
by on Dec. 21, 2012 at 10:19 AM

Wow, interesting.  So, 2 of your siblings are close to your Dad now (well, one very close) even though he didn't do much childraising. 

Yes, you are right.  We do wonder that after doing all of the caregiving and BM being absent she will be able to be close to BM.  Seems like they are close now from their phone coversations.

OvrMyHead
by on Dec. 21, 2012 at 10:29 AM


Quoting baparrot2:

 My mother was the same as you described your BM is. My mother ended up moving to my state when I was 25. We became very very close until her death in 2002.

General statement: Some SM's who think that they can possibly thwart this relationship just because they were "there", may end up being very very wrong.

This is interesting too.  Did you not get along with your smom?  Did you still maintain a relationship with your dad? 

sassy711
by on Dec. 21, 2012 at 3:29 PM

Each situation is different.  One skid may become close to a distant parent, another may not.  Much of it has to deal with the personalities involved and the hopes/desires of the grown kids (they may still need their mom).  Who knows?  It's a crap shoot.  I don't really know if the skids will have a good relationship with their mother, that's up to them.  Their choice to mend fences or tear them down. 

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