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Just a hypothetical, i guess...EDIT**

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:46 PM
  • 18 Replies
Are there any Sm's and dh's out there who would just say screw it and let skids go live with bm full time? SD spends the whole time she is here asking when she is leaving, telling everyone she sees when she is leaving, and making ds4 have anxiety because she won't just hush about when she is leaving. I realize it is hard to go back and forth. I can't imagine. It is just frustrating. I realize, in our sitch, bm is the "fun" Disneyland parent and she has two grandparents to hold her on this pedestal. I realize that here she has two brothers who are always here and there one brother who is part time and she bosses him at her whim. I know our house is way more consistent and she has chores. I know the reasoning behind it, but it is driving me up the wall.



Bm will be here at 5 today. The day she goes home, we lose her. She doesn't listen to a thing he says or u say. She has attitude and is just plain disrespectful. Maybe I just needed a vent...


Now that I thought about it, I think she is used to coming on Friday and leaving on Sunday. She has been here since Christmas day. We go through this every summer as well because it switches to 2 weeks here and 1 week there. I think with her ODD and her ADHD, the change has thrown her for a loop somehow and maybe her brain just has a hard time processing the change. I should have thought of this sooner. She always does better when she is in one place for a longer period of time. And also because of the drama over the summer Dh and bm are sticking to the CO, instead of letting her go home early or come here when she wouldn't normally. They did that so she wouldn't miss out on fun stuff at the other house.
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by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:51 PM

How old is your SD?

I can see how "Is it time to go yet?" Would get irritating.

LittleMama2012
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 2:57 PM
She is 10, 11 in may. It wouldn't be so irritating if she didn't ask so much or bring it up so much. She asked when I picked her up on Christmas day. She asked her dad that night while ds1 and I were at the er. And then everyday since then. Sunday at 5 is her normal day to go home so for some reason she thought she was still going home that day, even after she was told that it changes at Christmas and she goes home the evening before school starts. She went to my brother and his gf house several times as they live next door and drove them nuts with when she was going home. They just sent her back home to us; they live next door. It is just constant. I have said and Dh has said you have been told several times so just quit bringing it up.


Quoting sandeeyo:

How old is your SD?

I can see how "Is it time to go yet?" Would get irritating.


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Mommyof5247
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:02 PM
How old is SD?
DH has custody & SD7 doesn't ask when she's going to visit BM she used to, but it was rare. SS5 sometimes does.
When they have called us from BM's, we know that they ask us & her when they are coming home or "how many sleeps do we have to be at mom's?".
Another thing is that I have a calendar for the kids so they can see & count for themselves when their visits with their mom will be (I used to just use a dry erase or show them on our family calendar). They still ask when they will come back home.
We also have many rules in comparison to BM, because she sees them so little & really overcompensates with toys & spending. SD has been hurt many times by BM's promise breaking & withholding toys she buys right before bringing them home so the novelty has worn off a little. When SD didn't respond as much to BM's behaviors, SS seemed to start getting the extra treatment, so he believes that he's going to get new things every time they visit. That's been their primary motivation. We would not give them up for that, it's not good for them. They will eventually learn that you can't & shouldn't buy love.
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LittleMama2012
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:09 PM
She has a calendar in her room so she knows. I really wouldn't want her to not come here. I would miss her and that would be hard on Dh and ds4. I just get tired of her focus being on going home that we can't do anything else. The only time she wants to be here is if family is visiting or we are going somewhere fun.


Quoting Mommyof5247:

How old is SD?

DH has custody & SD7 doesn't ask when she's going to visit BM she used to, but it was rare. SS5 sometimes does.

When they have called us from BM's, we know that they ask us & her when they are coming home or "how many sleeps do we have to be at mom's?".

Another thing is that I have a calendar for the kids so they can see & count for themselves when their visits with their mom will be (I used to just use a dry erase or show them on our family calendar). They still ask when they will come back home.

We also have many rules in comparison to BM, because she sees them so little & really overcompensates with toys & spending. SD has been hurt many times by BM's promise breaking & withholding toys she buys right before bringing them home so the novelty has worn off a little. When SD didn't respond as much to BM's behaviors, SS seemed to start getting the extra treatment, so he believes that he's going to get new things every time they visit. That's been their primary motivation. We would not give them up for that, it's not good for them. They will eventually learn that you can't & shouldn't buy love.

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Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:48 PM

oy-my skids are the opposite-they bug the hell outta BM about when its time to come here lol and they dread going back...

I really don't have much advice-other then perhaps DH explaining to sd about her chronic asking. I saw you did say she has a calendar-and everything is marked so she knows when she's coming and going-perhaps she's just overly excited/anxious about going home to mom?

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:51 PM

I think I'd just ignore it.  Also, you can put a white board or a calendar up on the fridge and write the time and date SD will be taken back to her mom's. When she asks, point to the calendar with the date on it.

Maybe she's bored?  What does she do and what does she have to do when she's with you and DH?

Quoting LittleMama2012:

She is 10, 11 in may. It wouldn't be so irritating if she didn't ask so much or bring it up so much. She asked when I picked her up on Christmas day. She asked her dad that night while ds1 and I were at the er. And then everyday since then. Sunday at 5 is her normal day to go home so for some reason she thought she was still going home that day, even after she was told that it changes at Christmas and she goes home the evening before school starts. She went to my brother and his gf house several times as they live next door and drove them nuts with when she was going home. They just sent her back home to us; they live next door. It is just constant. I have said and Dh has said you have been told several times so just quit bringing it up.


Quoting sandeeyo:

How old is your SD?

I can see how "Is it time to go yet?" Would get irritating.



LittleMama2012
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:53 PM
I'm sure she is, which is a good thing that she wants to see her mom. I just get tired of hearing it and that conversation taking precedence over everything. Ds4 cries every time she leaves. So he is already upset because she won't stop talking about it to him. Dh explained to her that everyone knows when she goes home and there is no need to keep talking about it. She says OK, but then the minute she thinks we can't hear her, there she goes again. I just need to let it go. She goes home in an hour and I won't have to hear it again until Friday at 345 when we pick her up.


Quoting Tigress22304:

oy-my skids are the opposite-they bug the hell outta BM about when its time to come here lol and they dread going back...

I really don't have much advice-other then perhaps DH explaining to sd about her chronic asking. I saw you did say she has a calendar-and everything is marked so she knows when she's coming and going-perhaps she's just overly excited/anxious about going home to mom?


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LittleMama2012
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:57 PM
They have a trampoline, bicycles, scooters, swingset, sand box. She has baby dolls, books, beads, makeup to play dress up, a Nintendo ds, karaoke machine, games, books and probably more toys than I can name. We have had family over several times. They go next door and visit my brother. Someone must constantly entertain her or she says she is bored and there is nothing to do.


Quoting sandeeyo:

I think I'd just ignore it.  Also, you can put a white board or a calendar up on the fridge and write the time and date SD will be taken back to her mom's. When she asks, point to the calendar with the date on it.

Maybe she's bored?  What does she do and what does she have to do when she's with you and DH?


Quoting LittleMama2012:

She is 10, 11 in may. It wouldn't be so irritating if she didn't ask so much or bring it up so much. She asked when I picked her up on Christmas day. She asked her dad that night while ds1 and I were at the er. And then everyday since then. Sunday at 5 is her normal day to go home so for some reason she thought she was still going home that day, even after she was told that it changes at Christmas and she goes home the evening before school starts. She went to my brother and his gf house several times as they live next door and drove them nuts with when she was going home. They just sent her back home to us; they live next door. It is just constant. I have said and Dh has said you have been told several times so just quit bringing it up.





Quoting sandeeyo:

How old is your SD?

I can see how "Is it time to go yet?" Would get irritating.





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Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:59 PM


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I'm sure she is, which is a good thing that she wants to see her mom. I just get tired of hearing it and that conversation taking precedence over everything. Ds4 cries every time she leaves. So he is already upset because she won't stop talking about it to him. Dh explained to her that everyone knows when she goes home and there is no need to keep talking about it. She says OK, but then the minute she thinks we can't hear her, there she goes again. I just need to let it go. She goes home in an hour and I won't have to hear it again until Friday at 345 when we pick her up.


Quoting Tigress22304:

oy-my skids are the opposite-they bug the hell outta BM about when its time to come here lol and they dread going back...

I really don't have much advice-other then perhaps DH explaining to sd about her chronic asking. I saw you did say she has a calendar-and everything is marked so she knows when she's coming and going-perhaps she's just overly excited/anxious about going home to mom?


have you tried redirecting her?

Like instead of constantly telling her stop-try this:

What makes you most excited about going home?

Is there anything special you are looking forward to while being with Mom?

(This is what I do with my skids because they hate being with their mom-and DH/I try to make it a positive thing)

LittleMama2012
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 4:05 PM
Yes I did that. I am told,"I get to do what I want and I don't have chores and my brother is not always at my moms. Plus me and mom go somewhere everyday. Here we don't go somewhere everyday."
I explain to her that I realize it is different than bm's but, as the therapist says, she should be used to that by now. I also tell her that not all little kids have a dad that they get to see so she should focus on having a good time and not making herself on edge by worrying about when she is leaving. We can't make time move any faster so have fun while you are here.

I think it is just a lost cause. I will bring it up in her therapy tomorrow.


Quoting Tigress22304:


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I'm sure she is, which is a good thing that she wants to see her mom. I just get tired of hearing it and that conversation taking precedence over everything. Ds4 cries every time she leaves. So he is already upset because she won't stop talking about it to him. Dh explained to her that everyone knows when she goes home and there is no need to keep talking about it. She says OK, but then the minute she thinks we can't hear her, there she goes again. I just need to let it go. She goes home in an hour and I won't have to hear it again until Friday at 345 when we pick her up.





Quoting Tigress22304:

oy-my skids are the opposite-they bug the hell outta BM about when its time to come here lol and they dread going back...

I really don't have much advice-other then perhaps DH explaining to sd about her chronic asking. I saw you did say she has a calendar-and everything is marked so she knows when she's coming and going-perhaps she's just overly excited/anxious about going home to mom?



have you tried redirecting her?

Like instead of constantly telling her stop-try this:

What makes you most excited about going home?

Is there anything special you are looking forward to while being with Mom?

(This is what I do with my skids because they hate being with their mom-and DH/I try to make it a positive thing)


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