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Desperate for some good advice...PLEASE! I am tired of crying.

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:03 PM
  • 23 Replies

Ten years ago I married the man of my dreams...we each had two sons that we brought into the marriage, and I was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.  You could not imagine a more perfectly matched couple, just an amazing love.  Unfortunately some family tragedies tore our young marriage apart, and we were not able to keep the marriage together.  But, one thing we had dreamed of while I was with him was a long and happy life, along with a child of our own.  Sadly we divorced, and I was crushed.  After six years apart, our paths crossed again and we realized what a mistake we had made so long ago - how much we still loved each other - and decided to try again.  Here is what I am trying to deal with...while apart, he impregnated another woman and subsequently married her because he felt it was the right thing to do, then divorced her (she was basically looking for a sperm donor).  Now that we are back together (he just asked me to marry him again) and I tell him I want to start our life together again and still want to fulfill my dreams of having a child with him, he says he just went through that and doesn't want another child at this point.  I am devastated.  I am so angry at him for being so irresponsible, and for ultimately taking that dream away from me.  Now I have to sit here and watch him play with his baby girl during visitation, knowing that I can't ever have that and we will never share that together.  My heart aches when I see him smiling and playing with her and I'm not a part of it.  I am supposedly the one he says he really loves, yet I'm also the one person who can't share that with him and it's killing me.  I don't know how to put into words that I love this man more than life itself, and at the same time hate him for what he's done and for making me feel as though I'm not worthy.  I will be 43 years old this year, and I am running out of time to become a mom.  A terrible sidenote to this is that I find myself resenting the little girl - she is lovable and adorable, but I find myself completely detached from her - because every time I look at her I start to cry.  I feel like she has completely changed what our future could have been - he no longer wants another child because of her, and other things - like our dreams we had when we were first married of traveling when our boys graduated high school have now changed, because he says he will always want to live within a 15 mile radius of his daughter.  I can't explain the surge of emotions I am feeling.  I hate this situation but can't imagine my life without this man.  I know I can't change things but I just don't know how to cope.  I am so mad that some random woman was granted her wish of having a child - she didn't even want it with him, she just wanted another child and someone to support it.  I love him more than anything and am going to marry him because of that, and yet I can't have his child.  Such irony.  I have cried every day for two years now and I really though that things would get easier but it's just as hard.  Please, I hope there is someone who may have dealt with something similar or who can provide any kind of advice.  I am so tired of being sad.The conflicting emotions are starting to be more than I can bear.

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:14 PM

Yikes, this is a hard one! I would be devestated if my SO didn't want more children beyond the four he had with his EW. That was a huge talking point in our relationship and I couldn't commit to a person that didn't want to have children with me.

If you do love him as much as you say you do, you must respect his decision. Hopefully he changes his mind, and quick. If not, you have to make a choice to come to terms with it, or let it hold you back and be upset all the time.

Melina74
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:23 PM

I'm so sorry.  I guess you will have to decide what's most important, having a child, or being with this man.  I totally understand your position though.  It is a tough one.  I had to make a similar decision, I chose the man, but I also already had a son from a previous marriage.  Good luck.. :(

jessiesluv
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:38 PM

If he's not willing, then you shouldn't stay if having a baby means that much to you.

You will continue to resent that little girl and you will have problems in your marriage. Good luck.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:47 PM

I don't understand the highlighted part in red.  You are a mom already...right?  You have 2 boys right?

Quoting Deana722:.  I don't know how to put into words that I love this man more than life itself, and at the same time hate him for what he's done and for making me feel as though I'm not worthy.  I will be 43 years old this year, and I am running out of time to become a mom.  A terrible sidenote to this is that I find myself resenting the little girl - she is lovable and adorable, but I find myself completely detached from her - because every time I look at her I start to cry.


Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:51 PM

Yes, but none of the children are from him. I think she means she wants to have a child with him, as they each have two sons from previous marriages (and now he has a daughter from a different woman).

Quoting KnowItAll:

I don't understand the highlighted part in red.  You are a mom already...right?  You have 2 boys right?

Quoting Deana722:.  I don't know how to put into words that I love this man more than life itself, and at the same time hate him for what he's done and for making me feel as though I'm not worthy.  I will be 43 years old this year, and I am running out of time to become a mom.  A terrible sidenote to this is that I find myself resenting the little girl - she is lovable and adorable, but I find myself completely detached from her - because every time I look at her I start to cry.



KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:53 PM

Yeah, it's not that I don't understand what has happened.  I don't understand why OP phrased it that way.  She isn't running out of time to "become a mom".  She's running out of time to have this one particular man's child.  BIG DIFFERENCE. 

Quoting Miss-tearious:

Yes, but none of the children are from him. I think she means she wants to have a child with him, as they each have two sons from previous marriages (and now he has a daughter from a different woman).

Quoting KnowItAll:

I don't understand the highlighted part in red.  You are a mom already...right?  You have 2 boys right?

Quoting Deana722:.  I don't know how to put into words that I love this man more than life itself, and at the same time hate him for what he's done and for making me feel as though I'm not worthy.  I will be 43 years old this year, and I am running out of time to become a mom.  A terrible sidenote to this is that I find myself resenting the little girl - she is lovable and adorable, but I find myself completely detached from her - because every time I look at her I start to cry.




sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:07 PM
5 moms liked this

You need professional help.  Your anger is completely misplaced and if you marry this man without resolving YOUR issues, you are going to make life hell for him, his daughter, and yourself.  None of what you said in your post is his fault, all of it is you and you alone.  You were divorced, he moved on and had a child with another woman.  If you can't resolve your issues with him or his daughter you need to let him go.  Marrying him would be a huge selfish mistake.

Get some help.  Maybe ask him if he'd go see a therapist with you. 

Deana722
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:07 PM

Sorry - I meant "running out of time to be a mom AGAIN".

Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:12 PM

I assumed that's what you meant :)

Quoting Deana722:

Sorry - I meant "running out of time to be a mom AGAIN".


Deana722
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Sandeeyo - with all due respect, his failure to use some sort of birth control when he did not want a child with someone is not my fault at all - he admitted to me he didn't even love her, that he only married her to "do the right thing" and knew it wouldn't last - and I can't help feeling that due to this irresponsibility, I lost my chance to have a child with him.  According to him, because of his daughter being born, he is now "done" having children.  In other words, we still would have had a chance together if it weren't for her.  I hope that makes sense.  I agree, I am at the point where I probably need to talk to a professional but just thought I would try to get some friendly - and helpful - advice.

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