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New stepmom=A lot of guilt

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:16 PM
  • 41 Replies
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I love my Skids, very very much but I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have a great relationship with all three of them, and we are all very close. I do a lot for them when their father isn't or is around. In this book that I am reading called Happy Stepmom, it talks about putting your needs above the needs of your marriage/skids and while it sounds really awesome in practice I just feel like I can't do that.

Everytime I try to take time for myself I end up feeling immense guilt about it afterwards, like I am being selfish. I know that in order for me to be a good wife, I have to take the time to ensure that I am taking care of myself but anyone that knows me knows I am not built like that.

I just don't know how to reconcile doing things for myself and not feeling like I am taking anything away from my family. Has anyone else felt like this? Any advice?


by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:16 PM
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Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:20 PM
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Hm... I can kind of relate, but in my psychology classes (as well as other classes) they have reiterated many times that you can't take care of someone else until you take care of yourself. Everyone has self-care that they need to do, and every person does it differently.

I would recommend starting small and go from there. Whether it be taking an extra long hot shower or reading a book for ten minutes, you have to do something.

packermomof2
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:49 PM

I'm a married mom of 2.  I'm not first, my kids aren't first ,my husband isn't first.  I have always refused to put myself first - that does come across as selfish and counters the needs of the many philosophy (yes, I realize Spock gets credit for it, but it wasn't him who said it first) that I agree with.

jlg12678
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:55 PM

But does a sm need to put her stepkids first? I personally don't think so as I think that responsibility falls on mom and dad. 

Quoting packermomof2:

I'm a married mom of 2.  I'm not first, my kids aren't first ,my husband isn't first.  I have always refused to put myself first - that does come across as selfish and counters the needs of the many philosophy (yes, I realize Spock gets credit for it, but it wasn't him who said it first) that I agree with.


newstepmom61811
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 8:57 PM
2 moms liked this
Exactly, and as Packer always says the SM is nothing to her SKs anyway so it wouldn't much matter, SM can do whatever she wants for herself, the kids are DHs responsibility.

No, realistically. If you haven't taken care of yourself you don't have the best to give of yourself to your family. It flows though. Different needs for different members of the family at different times. Different members take priority at different times.


Quoting jlg12678:

But does a sm need to put her stepkids first? I personally don't think so as I think that responsibility falls on mom and dad. 


Quoting packermomof2:

I'm a married mom of 2.  I'm not first, my kids aren't first ,my husband isn't first.  I have always refused to put myself first - that does come across as selfish and counters the needs of the many philosophy (yes, I realize Spock gets credit for it, but it wasn't him who said it first) that I agree with.



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E_is_4_Ethan
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:09 AM

funny, Packer has never told me that. Has she told you that?

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Exactly, and as Packer always says the SM is nothing to her SKs anyway so it wouldn't much matter, SM can do whatever she wants for herself, the kids are DHs responsibility.

No, realistically. If you haven't taken care of yourself you don't have the best to give of yourself to your family. It flows though. Different needs for different members of the family at different times. Different members take priority at different times.


Quoting jlg12678:

But does a sm need to put her stepkids first? I personally don't think so as I think that responsibility falls on mom and dad. 


Quoting packermomof2:

I'm a married mom of 2.  I'm not first, my kids aren't first ,my husband isn't first.  I have always refused to put myself first - that does come across as selfish and counters the needs of the many philosophy (yes, I realize Spock gets credit for it, but it wasn't him who said it first) that I agree with.




Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:25 AM
I think it's ok to for this. It was hard for me at first bc my mom(intact family) always put my dad,God and her kids first. But.. You need to take care of yourself first. It's super hard in a step family.

Example: I used to clean up my yss room bc he hated to. I did it thinking "he likes it when I do this so it's something I'll do for him". But I soon realized what the heck?! I could be using this time with MY OWN dds. Yss has a dad and mom. My dds have only me.

I guess I realized that they have a BM and dad so I need to back off before I start resenting them or the stuff I do. I really love that I stopped doing some things I didn't want to do bc it gave me MORE time for MY Needs and my kids.

It takes time. I just messed up this x mas again. Lol. Bought a "family basketball" and felt bad my skid didn't get a certain present and I gave it to him. Lol. Then was mad bc he hasn't used it! Lol!!
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:29 AM
I'm one to do for others in my family also. I watch 3 of my nieces after school even a cousin. I give rides when needed. I buy for my skids. I want everyone to have fun. Ect....

But you will run out of energy. It's harder in a step family Imo. Just do small things at first. It helps. I've stopped giving rides to my SS. Stopped asking as much about his grades and such. It's hard bc if you love them you want them to do well but I can't make BM or Dh do certain things.

Just start small! It's so good to feel this way!!!:-)
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meerkat101
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:43 AM
1 mom liked this
If you are not going to take care of yourself, you'll start to resent them in the end.

That happened to me.

It is not going to happen right away - but it will.

I should have taken more time for myself. I shouldn't have pushed myself to be the best stepmom ever. I shouldn't have given up so much of myself for SD (I am like you a "giver").

What I've learned is that I should look after myself.
And looking after yourself does not entail being mean or selfish or not giving them the best of you or not being fair.

It means to take time for yourself to adjust, to slowly discover your role in the family.
It means for instance that if you love to meditate, then you need to keep up with that, not give it up because of the demands YOU put on YOU.

Like Steamed said, you'll have to critically look at what your doing and decide whether this is really what you should be doing.
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destinyangl21
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:28 AM


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I think it's ok to for this. It was hard for me at first bc my mom(intact family) always put my dad,God and her kids first. But.. You need to take care of yourself first. It's super hard in a step family.

Example: I used to clean up my yss room bc he hated to. I did it thinking "he likes it when I do this so it's something I'll do for him". But I soon realized what the heck?! I could be using this time with MY OWN dds. Yss has a dad and mom. My dds have only me.

I guess I realized that they have a BM and dad so I need to back off before I start resenting them or the stuff I do. I really love that I stopped doing some things I didn't want to do bc it gave me MORE time for MY Needs and my kids.

It takes time. I just messed up this x mas again. Lol. Bought a "family basketball" and felt bad my skid didn't get a certain present and I gave it to him. Lol. Then was mad bc he hasn't used it! Lol!!

At X-Mas this year I messed up too. Spoiled them rotten....lol...but they were happy so that's good :)

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:43 AM
3 moms liked this
I understand feeling obligated but I dont feel guilty for doing something for myself. In fact, last night I went to dinner w my friends, SO didnt go because he had his skids (so BM could go out and get wasted) I didn't agree to spend nye babysitting for BM so I went and had dinner. I don't feel bad. SO didnt make me feel bad about it either.
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