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Was I out of line?

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:08 AM
  • 18 Replies
1 mom liked this

A few days ago I posted in MC about my frustrations with BM being civil and causing a stink over DH only giving her a week for Christmas with SD.  Here is a link to that post if you want to go see it... http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/17817425/I_wish_BM_would_just_be_civil?last#replies

Anyways, the situation with BM escalated and she ended up telling SD that she was allowed to stay another week, without DHs consent.  So DH felt like BM was using SD as a tool and rather than fighting with BM and causing more "pain" to SD he told her that she could have an extra week.   I was pretty upset so I went and started cleaning to rid my frustrations... DH came into the bedroom and he was in tears of complete frustration.  He asked me what I thought and I told him that it's his decision and I respect that... he kept at me because he knew I was upset and asked me what I really felt. 

I told him that I thought it was bull crap.  That I get that BM wants to spend time with her daughter, but why does HIS relationship with his daughter have to suffer because BM wants this or that.  We're constantly moving our life around in order to accomodate her.  We did that with Christmas and moved things around to make it easier on her... When BM lost full custody the judge granted her visitation at our discretion, no set days, holidays etc.  In the divorce decree prior to that one would have christmas eve and the other CHristmas day... SInce BM was moving back with her parents (7 hrs away) DH told her she could have a week instead of just a day and that we would do our Christmas the weekend following Christmas.   He was being a nice guy, trying to be civil and fair and this is the BS we deal with?  Constant texts about how awful we are, how selfish, how this and that???  Sooo because she had Christmas with her family his doesn't matter?  Newsflash... SD has two families now, something BM doesn't seem to grasp.  I was so frustrated because we have done everything we can to extend the olive branch to BM in the hopes to create a civil environment for SD (I don't care if BM doesn't like me, I would just like a little respect... I've given her nothing but respect in her role as mom) but at every turn we're met with complete hostility from BM, unless she wants something...

I asked DH why he constantly gives in to BM at his expense?  His answer, he's afraid of SD getting upset... Okay, I get that... but what are we really teaching her if her mom throws tantrums to get her way and we constantly give in?? Is that really setting an example for her?  If he keeps sheilding SD from "pain" or being upset how is she going to learn how to deal with that in a healthy way?  I said I get that you never want to see SD in pain but learning sometimes life isn't fair is a good thing, isn't it? 

I admit that I lost my temper and that I was upset that we didn't get our Christmas but I was more upset to see DHs heart break and him giving in because BM raised heck... I can't help but wonder if I crossed the line... Sorry it's so long... again. LOL.

 

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
HB79
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:21 AM

Hi, I am new to this site/group but your post interested me. I joined because I have two (not married) step sons, 6 and 8yrs old. I could go on and on and on with stories like yours. I want help on "How the heck do you deal with this?" My BF's divorce is going on 2 1/2 years now and doesnt have a concluded date. I have a very strong feeling my households BS is going to get worse. Im ready to pull the plug on a good man with a crazy x-wife.

Thank You

Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:25 AM
2 moms liked this

At times I have the frustrations you do, but more than not my DH sticks up for himself and doesn't let BM push him around.

So what if SD gets upset? Strangely enough, I was watching an episode of Nanny 911 last night (I swear, it was the only thing that would play on my Netflix!) and the mom coddled her children and the second they started to throw a fit she would run to them. The nanny was trying to get across that kids aren't always going to like parents, that sometimes throwing a fit is ok - that it is NOT ok to cater them to avoid a tantrum, that they need to learn to control and regulate their emotions. The lady's kids were 2.5 and 4. While it is a different situation, I think the same needs to be understood by your DH. There are times when children get upset and sometimes you just have to let them be upset. It's hard as a parent to sit back and watch your child feel hurt or anger, but if they aren't ever able to learn to deal with it on their own how will they cope as an adult when they have those feelings?

IDK, maybe I'm way off.

But I don't think you are wrong to be upset. Maybe you just need to encourage DH to stand his ground once he makes a decision.

JavaLadybug2
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:31 AM

You did better than I would have. I am the bm for my sons.. But the rules when I was with my husband concerning his children with other women he had been with.. WAS.. They are welcome to join in with what is going on in our lives.. but we won't change our lives for them. Being flexible was as much give as I was gonna tolerate..

YOU NEED TO LET DH READ THIS.. AND YOU NEED TO LET HIM KNOW HE ISN'T HELPING HIS DAUGHTER BY BEING A DOORMAT.. He's teaching her that she can treat other men like that... and probably other people in general!

JavaLadybug2
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:34 AM


Quoting HB79:

Hi, I am new to this site/group but your post interested me. I joined because I have two (not married) step sons, 6 and 8yrs old. I could go on and on and on with stories like yours. I want help on "How the heck do you deal with this?" My BF's divorce is going on 2 1/2 years now and doesnt have a concluded date. I have a very strong feeling my households BS is going to get worse. Im ready to pull the plug on a good man with a crazy x-wife.

Thank You

Good men are hard to come by.. Don't pull the plug. 

Hold on to him.. love him. and above all.. Show him he don't have to live with crazy any more!

In the process.. Learn patience, and compassion.. Hugs!

needsupport100
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:39 AM

i agree-with the other posters-your dh is being more a friend than a parent by "not wanting to upset the child" how's that gonna work with groundings, etc?

i also, think, that in a blended family situation it's a good idea to teach the kids that just because they are NOT with you, your life WILL continue to be lived-hence-still join in on reindeer games when they are with the op.

they don't miss out just because you are not there, why should you have to? (to go along with the whole, work around YOUR life bs)

sassy711
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:58 AM

Consider counseling for you and DH, especially DH.  He really needs to learn parenting skills, because what he's doing (or not doing) is really going to have a negative effect on SD at some point in time.  He has to learn to set boundaries and learn how not to enable his daughter, because that is what he's teaching her how to do.  We all want to protect our kids, but being a parent means having the ability to say no sometime, not yes everytime.  Good luck

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:03 PM

He asked your opinion, and you gave it.  If it was too much, he shouldn't have asked. ;-)

So no, I don't think it crossed the line to answer a question honestly that you were badgered into answering.  As far as the situation with SD, he needs to stick to his guns.  Granting extra time for SD to spend with her mother is a good thing, but you have an issue with BM failing to respect the CO or boundaries.  It's darn near impossible to be nice without enduring added and unnecessary drama unless she accepts the court's decision first.

RigPrincess85
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally agree. It's so strange because when sd is home he's got no issues with being the parent instead of the friend... Then it's like as soon as BM pops up its like a switch goes off... I don't want it to get worse so I hope DH starts to stand his ground like he said he was going to... It's just so hard to talk about it sometimes because I feel like a b*tch, know what I mean?

Quoting Miss-tearious:

At times I have the frustrations you do, but more than not my DH sticks up for himself and doesn't let BM push him around.


So what if SD gets upset? Strangely enough, I was watching an episode of Nanny 911 last night (I swear, it was the only thing that would play on my Netflix!) and the mom coddled her children and the second they started to throw a fit she would run to them. The nanny was trying to get across that kids aren't always going to like parents, that sometimes throwing a fit is ok - that it is NOT ok to cater them to avoid a tantrum, that they need to learn to control and regulate their emotions. The lady's kids were 2.5 and 4. While it is a different situation, I think the same needs to be understood by your DH. There are times when children get upset and sometimes you just have to let them be upset. It's hard as a parent to sit back and watch your child feel hurt or anger, but if they aren't ever able to learn to deal with it on their own how will they cope as an adult when they have those feelings?


IDK, maybe I'm way off.


But I don't think you are wrong to be upset. Maybe you just need to encourage DH to stand his ground once he makes a decision.

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Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 2:12 PM
I definitely know what you mean! I've even told DH before that I feel like a B, but I can't not say something! It's tricky and if the timing and delivery isn't right it can cause a big fight.


Quoting RigPrincess85:

I totally agree. It's so strange because when sd is home he's got no issues with being the parent instead of the friend... Then it's like as soon as BM pops up its like a switch goes off... I don't want it to get worse so I hope DH starts to stand his ground like he said he was going to... It's just so hard to talk about it sometimes because I feel like a b*tch, know what I mean?



Quoting Miss-tearious:

At times I have the frustrations you do, but more than not my DH sticks up for himself and doesn't let BM push him around.



So what if SD gets upset? Strangely enough, I was watching an episode of Nanny 911 last night (I swear, it was the only thing that would play on my Netflix!) and the mom coddled her children and the second they started to throw a fit she would run to them. The nanny was trying to get across that kids aren't always going to like parents, that sometimes throwing a fit is ok - that it is NOT ok to cater them to avoid a tantrum, that they need to learn to control and regulate their emotions. The lady's kids were 2.5 and 4. While it is a different situation, I think the same needs to be understood by your DH. There are times when children get upset and sometimes you just have to let them be upset. It's hard as a parent to sit back and watch your child feel hurt or anger, but if they aren't ever able to learn to deal with it on their own how will they cope as an adult when they have those feelings?



IDK, maybe I'm way off.



But I don't think you are wrong to be upset. Maybe you just need to encourage DH to stand his ground once he makes a decision.


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HB79
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 4:04 PM

A previous comment said to "But out". Im confused on how do you do that exactly. Im not being condescending but you live with this person right? He's asking for your opinion right, it hurts to see your man upset, it effects your holiday too, your feelings are like a roller coaster because you do not want to see sd hurt either and you are the mom figure in her life whens shes with her dad, you want to be there for her as if she was your own. At what point do you "But out?" Also how do you not let it get to you? When we have my bf's sons my bf says all he wants is for me to treat his sons as I would treat my daughter's.

I cant say that you are out of line on this one.

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