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Counseling tomorrow---Yikes!

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:16 AM
  • 21 Replies

Tomorrow evening DH, BM and I are going to counseling. We went for the first time about a month ago, but it was more like each party told their side of the story to the counselor separately and that was it. We presented our biggest complaints after BM had left and at the end the counselor said, "So basically, BM has a hard time staying within boundaries?" DH and I both said yes. BM and DH went to counseling before getting divorced and BM stopped going because she said the counselors always told her she was wrong and DH was right and that counseling was stupid. I didn't know either of them until after the divorce so I don't know how they were, but part of me wonders if a similar situation will happen (not to suggest that DH are always right in everything, but some of the things she does is just downright stupid and damaging to the children).

I have knots in my stomach just thinking about tomorrow (or maybe my stomach is grumbling for breakfast. Ha!). After our first counseling session I came to the realization that BM is probably going to be the most civil in front of the counselor; that if she was going to pull out her crazy she would most likely do it elsewhere. But we never know with her...

Have any of you gone to counseling with just the adults? What were your experiences like? Did the counselor act as a moderator and regulate not yelling, fighting and downright being attacked? How did it go? Did you have main talking points/issues that you prepared beforehand to discuss with the counselor and the ex-spouse?

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:57 AM

I have never gone with an ex .I did however go with my parents when I was in my late teens.The counselor was decent enough and tried to keep one party from monopolizing the time , but in the end he simply wasn'tstrong enough for my mother and her poorly medicated Bi-Polar disorder.

Each of my siblings left after the 3rd session, I stayed because I had to I still lived at home.  I hope it goes well for you.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:02 PM
I have encouraged dh to go to family counseling with bm and dss so they can learn to co-parent but they haven't gone.
I did marriage counseling with my exh before I left him and his persistent problem was that he is/ was a liar. He will say anything to not look bad or like he is in the wrong. Fortunately the counselor saw through him and was able to help me in private sessions. She gave me the courage to do what I knew I needed to.
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Mrs.H0420
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:02 PM
2 moms liked this

I haven't done this, but I wish you the best of luck and hopefully it will help with the relationship between all involved.

sassy711
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Just try to stay objective, open minded, cordial and friendly.  What BM may or may not do is up to her.  The counselor (presumably) is professional enough to recognize passive aggressive behavior and has likely dealt with many situations like this.  They can see through the "smoke screen".  At best, this may have a positive impact on the interpersonal relationships in your situation.  At the worst, you and DH will learn techniques on how to deal with BM.  Sounds as if you're anxious, but that's completely understandable.  Take deep breaths and you will be ok.  Good luck

Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:34 PM

Oh darn it! I typed a response and then my internet crapped out.

EW is a manipulative mastermind, it is sickening. I just hope the counselor can see through it. I pushed to get a counselor who specializes in blended families, but she isn't. The EW found the counselor through her work and DH and I decided to at least give it a try. We originally decided to take the kids after we felt comfortable with the counselor, but because she isn't a specialist we won't be taking them at all.

Quoting sassy711:

Just try to stay objective, open minded, cordial and friendly.  What BM may or may not do is up to her.  The counselor (presumably) is professional enough to recognize passive aggressive behavior and has likely dealt with many situations like this.  They can see through the "smoke screen".  At best, this may have a positive impact on the interpersonal relationships in your situation.  At the worst, you and DH will learn techniques on how to deal with BM.  Sounds as if you're anxious, but that's completely understandable.  Take deep breaths and you will be ok.  Good luck


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:52 PM
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I've been with my ex and SM

So basically what you did was after she left a safe and neutral environment, with a safe and neutral person, you bent the ear of that neutral person and gave that person 'a clear view in to what you deal with and what your concerns were'?

Well.. Good luck, I hope it works out.
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Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:57 PM

I'm not sure I understand your question, but the counselor directed the session. BM went in first and gave her side of the story. DH and I went in with BM and counselor and scheduled an appt for next time (tomorrow), BM left, then counselor asked DH and I for our side of the story.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I've been with my ex and SM

So basically what you did was after she left a safe and neutral environment, with a safe and neutral person, you bent the ear of that neutral person and gave that person 'a clear view in to what you deal with and what your concerns were'?

Well.. Good luck, I hope it works out.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:03 PM
I thought you said you had already done that seperately?


Quoting Miss-tearious:

I'm not sure I understand your question, but the counselor directed the session. BM went in first and gave her side of the story. DH and I went in with BM and counselor and scheduled an appt for next time (tomorrow), BM left, then counselor asked DH and I for our side of the story.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I've been with my ex and SM

So basically what you did was after she left a safe and neutral environment, with a safe and neutral person, you bent the ear of that neutral person and gave that person 'a clear view in to what you deal with and what your concerns were'?

Well.. Good luck, I hope it works out.



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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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In our sessions, the counselor made sure it was a safe environment since we had previously been in an altercation.

If the counselor started talking to me negatively about the other party such as 'she has a problem with boundaries' I would rethink seeing this therapist. Because honestly, you don't know what she is saying to the other party behind closed doors. Just keep that in mind. That was my point of my post above.
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Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:11 PM

Sorry if my post is confusing - The parties (BM is one party and DH and I are the other party) separately told the counselor what our beef with the other party is. We were at the same place together, but were only in BM's presence for 5 minutes while scheduling the appt. Other than that, everything was separate.

It wasn't as if we were trying to talk to the counselor after the session behind BM's back, we did what the counselor directed us to. There wasn't any "ear bending." We gave the counselor several specific examples to backup our feelings and why we have the opinions we do. BM had the chance to do the exact same thing without us in the room.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I thought you said you had already done that seperately?


Quoting Miss-tearious:

I'm not sure I understand your question, but the counselor directed the session. BM went in first and gave her side of the story. DH and I went in with BM and counselor and scheduled an appt for next time (tomorrow), BM left, then counselor asked DH and I for our side of the story.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I've been with my ex and SM

So basically what you did was after she left a safe and neutral environment, with a safe and neutral person, you bent the ear of that neutral person and gave that person 'a clear view in to what you deal with and what your concerns were'?

Well.. Good luck, I hope it works out.

 


 

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