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How much can I take and how long will it last???

Posted by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 1:48 AM
  • 17 Replies

Greetings All,

I'm new to the site, and I'm so excited that I found it. I want to come to a place where I can vent and my frustrations can be relatable without me feeling like a monster. I'm not sure of all of the abbreviations, but  have a feeling like I'll get the hang pretty soon. Here's my story:

When I met my husband, I didn't have any kids and I was in my career with my own car and home. He had a two year old son at the time and his BM was pregnant again. He told me at the very beginning so it wasn't a secret. Of course at the time, I was like "Hell naw! Two kids!" One of which was brand new. However, he was a really good guy and my love for him grew so we ended up staying together. He gets his sons every weekend regardless of what we have going on. I have a family that is totally accepting of him and his kids. They treat his kids like they are really related. Fast forward down the line, and I now have my own two year old son with my two step sons that are 4 and 6. The four year old is sweet and doesn't really know the logistics of the family because I have been around his entire life. My six year old SS is where the problem is coming in. He is very manipulative but his dad doesn't see that. I don't press the issue. I have had to tell my husband that if you are going to get them, then you need to be here to watch them. Not me! They aren't coming to spend time with me. I see the oldest one causing issues down the line. He told me that his mother told him that I'm the reason him and his dad don't live together. 

Some weekends are better than others. I wish that he had at least a traditional every other weekend relationship so I could get some rest. Remember, I was without my own child for two years and I was still giving up the weekends. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. Some days I have to figure out if my love for my husband is strong enough to withstand. We got into an argument once and we talked about splitting. My first thought was good bye and good riddance to the step kids. Isn't that terrible?? He is an awesome father. I've tried to explain how I felt about the situation to my husband, but I don't know if I'm handling it properly. What do I do?????

by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 1:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
notuseless
by Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:40 AM

bump

thelastresort
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 3:47 AM
2 moms liked this

At age 6, the child is really just innocently repeating the filth coming out of BMs mouth and doesn't know that what he's saying is hurtful. Without being negative or too thorough in your replies and correction of behavior, just briefly tell him that you  "met daddy after they split up" and then change the topic to something more positive.  

I'd give anything to have been able to see my stepsons as frequently as you. My DH's X denied visitation until DH was ready to give up on ever having any kind of relationship with his sons. They were brainwashed into believing that their new stepdad was the biological father. Then when we finally found a good attorney to fight for DHs rights BM scared the boys into thinking he was an abuser. DH and the boys lost 9 years of bonding. He last saw the the boys when BM abandoned the marriage 4months after giving birth to the youngest SS (the eldest was 2yrs old). When visitation was finally enforced I quickly took a crash course in learning all about my 2 SS's. I wanted to establish my role as a parent to these boys. Part of the reason was because DH travels a lot & has a really demanding job, so I had to be both mom & dad during his parenting time.

Dec 26th, 2012 marked the 9th anniversary of the first day I met my sons in person. On that day, 9 Years ago I swore that I would find the best attorney to represent DH to enforce visitation. It took 4yrs & $50,000 later where visitation was not only enforced but DH was awarded shared parenting of the older son and we were awarded custody of the youngest son (on Nov. 7, 2007). 

I had to move past the alienated feeling BM gave me where she tried to establish that I had no rights to parenting my two boys. She had them remind me for four years that 1) I was the reason they had split up. 2) that I was an innocent 17 yr old who was abused and brainwashed by their father, and 3) I will never earn the right to be addressed as "Mom" by my two SS's. All lies of course seeing as how I was 20 when DH & I met, a year after their marriage ended lol. In a desperate effort to form a bond with our sons we participated in family counseling twice a week. It was all worth it too. 

The counseling helped in the Manipulating BM department where our therapist was able to help teach my sons to see through BMs lies. 

Since the oldest son stayed in BMs custody she was able to continue feeding his head with garbage.  It caused him to become a very angry & aggressive individual. It was hard to undo all the damage done to him. he only received counceling during his visitation with us. She created a monster that she fears now. He's 19, nearly flunked out of HS, has no friends, lives with BM still, hates the world, gets a high from killing small animals and won't talk to BM after she refused to let him practice his last summer of visitation with us 2 1/2yrs ago.. 

My youngest SS is 17 yrs old now. He and his brother both suffered Maternal Detachment Syndrome, but only the youngest was able to see a therapist on a routine basis. My son used to studder real bad and was a bed wetter. He's a social butterfly now, an honors student and doesn't put up with BMs garbage anymore when he has to fly back to her home for visitation.

I cried last Fall when he asked me to escort him onto the football field on Senior Night. It feels so good to hear the word "Momma" come from his voice every time he talks to me. It's a title I earned by going that extra mile in wanting my sons to be a part of my life, every day.. every hour.. every waking moment of my life. 

Establishing and embracing your role as "mom" and not the "stepmom" will shatter that icky barrier BM is trying to create. There will definitely be kinks in your journey through motherhood, and your relationship with your DH will definitely be tested. Just always keep the mindset that You Are in Control. And if ever a day comes where BM tries to call you a Witch (with a capital "B"), embrace that too and kindly remind her that, well.. "I try!" :) 


divinemomma
by New Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:29 AM

Don't give up on your marriage because of yor stepson. You knew when you got involved that it would be complicated because of your BF having two kids with this other woman. Now you have a child with him. It is only natural for kids to want to have both parents together. Maybe he asked him mom why  he can't live with both of them. She may have told him because he is with you. She probably didn't want to go into the long complicated story of their break up.He is going to take it out on you, not the two people he loves. It would be really helpful to read books written to help with challenges of having a stepfamily and learn for others experience. This may prevent you from having to spend time and energy going to counseling.

Pero1
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:35 AM


Quoting thelastresort:

Establishing and embracing your role as "mom" and not the "stepmom" will shatter that icky barrier BM is trying to create.


I find it sad to read the words "stepmom" and "icky" in one sentence! What is icky about being a stepmom?

jessesbride
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:39 AM
1 mom liked this

Talk to a good counselor.  BOTH OF YOU. & nothing will ever get resolved if you don't communicate with your husband. Not during an arguement.  when it's all calm on the home front... away from all the kids.  Ask him how he sees your future.  If he feels you are a team or if he wants you to be.  My DH & I are a united front.  Things go much much much smoother if you all are on the same page.  


You say he is an awesome father, but yet, he isn't seeing the same situation you are.  Why?  Is he not around when ss repeats the stupid stuff his mom has said?  

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:45 AM
3 moms liked this
Bm told my SD that I was the reason that they weren't together. I politely told bm that she knew that wasn't the truth and she was making problems. She hasn't said a thing since. When your ss says this, just tell him that is not true and leave it at that. He is just repeating what he is told.

You and Dh need to become united or it just doesn't work. I would have a heart to heart with him. Take some time for you. And give it time. This isn't easy at all. You are playing a role in these kids lives and try not to stoop to her level.
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TarynKElley
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 12:49 PM

Its not terrible, its human. The situation can be stressful and our first reaction is to get away. Divorcing is always the easy answer. I know that there have been times when I misdirected my anger/resentment about this blended family thing towards my SD when it was really my DH that I was mad at because of the things he was doing. I too have felt the same things you are describing about saying goodbye and good riddance, so you are not alone.

Now, you did know what you were getting into and you consciously made the decision to have a child with DH. Dont automatically jump to separation because your child deserves both parents as well and you can control whats going on in your house. TALK to your DH because you both deserve that much from eachother. You will both have to compromise and just remember that you two will never be able to control what BM says or does with your Skids, you will only be able to control how you react and how things are run in your household. 

You know the reason why they separated and you know that the reason was not you. You can explain that to him if you would like. Remain confident in your marriage and know that what BM is doing is wrong. If you dont play in to her games then you cannot allow her to upset you or your household but try not to let her interfere in your marriage. Good luck!

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 12:59 PM

Hello and welcome.  I have 2 skids and 2 kids of my own, all very close in age, they all live with us.  I've been in my skids life for 6 years (we've lived together for 3 years).  I hear you and can relate.  I think that you are going through a rough patch but can work on it.  Both parenting and step parenting is an evolving process.  As the kids get older things change, as other children join the family things change.  The parents are constantly having to adjust. 

In our situation, we've gone to see a couples counselor for help adjusting and we've also just worked through some things on our own.  But every few months we have to have the "we need to change some things around here" discussion.  I get real frusturated because I feel like just when we've conquered some issues, other ones pop up and here we go again.  I'm realizing that this will just be the norm.

First, I recommend identifying the issues and then what could be done to change the issues.  When my skids started in on the negative talk about me, we instituted a rule that we are respectful to every family member.  If a child is not being respectful they have to go to their room and write an apology letter to the person whose feelings were hurt.  Sometimes just ignoring the kids saying this and that is OK but if you want it to stop you have to identify it when it happens.  Your DH should talk in private to your ss if he says something like "you are the reason mommy and daddy aren't together", listed to ss, let him vent his feelings, and explain why its not nice to say that to you. 

If a rule is broken (disrespectful behavior), the parent talks to the child to make sure the child understands what he did wrong and why.  It is important to listen to what the child has to say (but its better if the actual parent can listen).

Good luck!

Stepof2Momof1
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:53 PM

Thanks for your input. Yes, you are right, I did know the situation. However, after having my own child things changed drastically. To be honest, I didn't see the big picture or what the entire picture would encompass. If I could go back and do it all over again, I don't think that I would. I want a quiet, simple, and drama free life. And, that's not what I have. I get so disgusted and it is taking a toll on my psyche.

 

Stepof2Momof1
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:57 PM

My DH is very quiet and reserved. You really ever know what he is thinking. I have tried to have the conversation with him before and he really doesn't respond at all. It's so annoying because I'm telling him what I've seen, heard, and observed and he doesn't comment one way or another. That time when SS made the comment he wasn't around. I didn't even tell him because I felt like it would promote an argument. It's not even worth it..

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