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"She knows her place."

Posted by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:25 AM
  • 34 Replies

I see this posted a lot in this forum in some way or another and everytime I see it I really think about what it means. What is a SM's place in your opinion?

The answer seems dynamic and subjective to me so I'm just curious what you all think (whether you are a SM or BM).


by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:25 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:42 AM
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I know my place when it comes to BM. That involves not doing things I know will set her off at least when we're together. And when the kids do see her, I back off and redirect them when they need things or come to me as mom. My place is not to trigger senseless drama.
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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:55 AM
3 moms liked this
A Sm's place is not the same in every situation. I don't think there is just one definition. In my home, I am the nurturer and main care giver to all 3, soon to be 4, children. Dh is the breadwinner and brings home most of the money. He does help around the house and he takes care of the kids. I am not sd10 mom; she has one. I can't and will never replace her. I can say that regardless of our ups and downs, bm has always said she knows SD is well taken care of in our home and is glad she has another mom figure to be there when she isn't. I am happy to be that person.
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liltigersmom
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:58 AM
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Its sitch based.
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liltigersmom
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 10:02 AM
Idk, what ds sm, place is, nor do I really care. I only really, tend to care if shit dribbles over to my kid.

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SammyJK
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 10:04 AM
I agree with you. Everyone's "place" is entirely situational.

Quoting shanlee42:

I see this posted a lot in this forum in some way or another and everytime I see it I really think about what it means. What is a SM's place in your opinion?

The answer seems dynamic and subjective to me so I'm just curious what you all think (whether you are a SM or BM).


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KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:00 AM

A SM's "place" in the lives of her stepchildren is something that (IMO) should evolve over time and therefore isn't something that can be carved in stone for every SM.  And each BM is different, so SM's starting off point is going to be different in each case as well. 

Ten years ago, in my own situation, SM wasn't allowed to step foot on my property.  That's actually still a part of our CO.  She definitely wasn't allowed to come to my kids' schools.  She knew her "place" and never pushed the issues.  Today, 10 years later, she often picks the kids up, she's chaperoned field trips, and usually comes to things like Meet The Teacher. There are still boundaries in place and she knows them and respects them -- at least for now. 

GlockMom
by Gold Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

SM place is as BF wife.  That is what I am, I am DH wife.  Not second mom to his kids.

Pero1
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:19 AM
8 moms liked this

I think SM's place is indirectly proportional to BM's ... meaning the more BM is involved, the less SM should be involved. Obviously also applies to BFs/SFs.

FresshAir
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:31 AM
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I am an extension of dad, and share the responsibility to keep the skids healthy, happy and safe while in my home.  I am in NO WAY a replacement or even an extension of BM, and I am also not a "Fun Aunt" or friend or some form of disconnected adult.  I play a part in the parenting team, as a secondary/supporting role for my husband.  In that regard, I do attend any school function with dad - sports, meeting the teachers, recognition assemblies, etc., as we are a family, and it would be weird if I didn't attend.  Although I am an equal in my marriage, I am not an equal parent.  I give him advice when he asks and while I am not subserviant, I support his decisions even if I don't agree with them.  When it comes to BM, I do not ever nor will I ever ever ever communicate with her.  I feel that the parenting "stuff" should take place between dad and mom, and third party input usually does more harm than good.  If I have an issue or concern with one of the skids, I bring it to dad and let him handle the disciplinary action.  Otherwise, I share myself with the skids warmly, as is my nature, and do my very best to be a positive and peaceful influence in their lives. 

Mommyof5247
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:38 AM
In my situation, I take care of all the kids in our home whether they are biologically mine or not. DH does the same. I don't think about child support & try not to think about any expectations of the other parents outside of us. We acknowledge the other families, of course, for school, events, visits, etc. But our family functions as our own little unit little to no influence from them.

For DS's SM she has primarily handled everything in her home also, even with my son. BD doesn't have the most "initiative" & seems to like leaving everything to his wife. I'm glad we were never a couple :)
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