Difficult situation, and a BM that is impossible! HELP!!!!

[lostmommakat]

     We (my Fiancee and I) just got done having his two wonderful boys during their xmas break (BM has primary custody and we usually only get them every other weekend) I absolutely love the boys and they tell me all the time that they love me (I recently got engaged to their father and he wanted to wait in telling them but we knew the time was right when the boys went to him and told him he should give me a ring and ask me to marry him) anyway during xmas break i ended up watching the boys for a could days cause dad had to go work. and A ( the oldest boy 8) has adhd and had what we call an "episode" where he throse a HUGE fit complete with kicking & screaming well with this episode he started hitting his grandmother (66 and is sickly)  this fit was over not wanting to go wash his hands and i had already tried time out (he wouldnt stay in time out no matter what) grounding, ect. and NOTHING was working and once he started hitting his grams i HAD to do something to get his attention so i told him i was going to spank him (standard spanking in this house is with a bamboo spoon that will sting with out alot of effort and doesnt leave marks)  well his response to me was no you wont (mind you i had already talk to his dad on the phone who told me go ahead and spank him if you need to) so i got the spoon and made sure i had a clear shot to hisbutt and gave him a swat that had a nice sting to it . it got his attention and he decided to go get dressed after that. but when he got home his bm who ALWAYS hives him the 3rd degree when he gets home drug out of him that i spanked him, she got PISSED called the Father and chewed him out how "his girlfriend was beating her son with a spoon" BM is welll known to take anything and turn it against us (and yes she does know im his fiancee not his girlfriend.) ex.once the boys accidently saw 2min of men in black the first one and she threated to have him brought to court for it. well this time she says "your on notice" not letting him explain anything. and saying that she is going to come to my house and "talk" to me and even better if my mother hears it. (im thinking the mother portion has something to do with me being alot young than so is cause she also kept trying to bring my age into it) (i also add that i was raise being spanked with a bamboo spoon myself so my mother really wouldnt care) and she kept attacking me abotu how i must have a "record" and not fit to be aroung her kids. (i have never been in any kind of trouble with the law in my life and have even only been pulled over once and let go with a warning.) now this woman used to hit her husband and has left a scar on A by intentionally scratching his face ( this was while they were married still ) so im really thinking that she is just grasping at anything to control the father and is getting more pissed cause its not working. now looking back i regret spanking A even though there isnt a law against it in either states. but i dont know what i can try in the future to avoid this issue cause i really dont want to provide more ammo for BM. but i cant let A go arround breaking things and hitting people. also any advice on dealing with BM would be helpful.

thanks !

[momof2ex1]

[newstepmom61811]

When it escalated to that point early on with my middle SS and he wasn't listening I didn't spank him. I called DH. Him backing me up and SS knowing we were on the same page worked. Then he would stay in his room until DH could get home and deal further. I no longer have to call DH, a few times of that he learned discipline coming from me was as good as coming from DH and he quit challenging me like that.

[kristinbugg]

Ummm....if you had hit MY child with ANY type of object, I wouldn't THREATEN to do anything. I would be filing assault charges against you. You shouldn't physically punish a child that isn't yours. Girlfriend, fiancee, wife....whatever. These are NOT your children and you need to keep your hands, and other objects, to yourself.

[LittleMama2012]

Bm wants to me spank SD. I don't unless it is absolutely necessary.



I am more intrigued about this bamboo spoon. I have wooden ones. They don't seem to do the job. Where can I get one of these?

[soonergirl980]

You hit a child that is not yours that could be considered assult if it were my kid I would be pressing charges. DON'T HIT KIDS THAT AREN'T YOURS!

[andie646c]

My advice to you is that if you can't control the child without hitting him then don't be alone with him.

[Tigress22304]

I don't care what your DH says-YOU DO NOT HIT KIDS THAT ARE NOT YOURS!

If my dd was around a SM who spanked my daughter-that woman would be sitting in a hospital.

There are other methods you can use without physically harming the child.

[Mommyof5247]

I agree with this.
It will be the safest thing for you & the family especially if BM is looking for trouble.
Been there with the BM accusations, but time outs work on SD & SS with me. They also lose out on treats, fun & priveleges & it's really no fun to a 5 or 7 yo to see everyone else having fun while they sit for a few minutes. But I've also never had to deal with and ADHD child in my home.

Quoting andie646c:

My advice to you is that if you can't control the child without hitting him then don't be alone with him.

[cailliermommy]

I GOT THE BEER!!!!!!!

[cailliermommy]

Also IMO you should never physically punish a child. There are other ways of going about punishment and yes both my DSS12 and DSS8 have ADHD...plus a lot of extras tacked on. Plus if ANYONE hit my child with ANYTHING their ASS WOULD BE IN JAIL!!!