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what to do when mother in law hates you!

Posted by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:34 AM
  • 21 Replies

I have a 5yo step ddaughter who I have beven raising full time since she was a year old, her BM is in the picture some of the time but is constantly in and out of jail and struggles with a drug problem so she doesn't really have a relationship with her daughter. My sd knows I am not her real mom but says I am her mom if you ask her she will tell you she has two moms because that is all she has ever known. Mind I have a good relationship with her BM even through all her struggles I try to keep her included in my sd life.

My mother in law on the other hand hates me because I do not allow her to fill my sd up on junk food, my I law even goes to the extent of letting my sd eat an entire package of cookies and a whole cake if she wanted along with pop and candy, an  then my . in law would laugh and say "oh Hollie your going to be so wound up when you get him" which in reality we would get home and my sd who was 2 at this time would come home and lay on the couch balling for hours because her stomach hurt so bad. so finally my husband  had a talk with his mother about not feeding her a bunch of junk or else she wouldn't be able to see her grand daughter unless we were there. which she eventually quite giving her so much junk but now says rude comments about how I won't let my sd have any sweets which isn't true I just only allow it in moderation. now that my sd is getting older my in laws continue to baby her and spoiler her the spoiling I don't mind because thats what grandparents are for but the babying is what gets to me, she' s 5 and my in laws baby her so bad they don't make her pick up her toys when we leave an  even when my husband and I tell her to the mother in law will step in front of me and tell my sd that she doesn't have to clean up they also don't enforce manners on my sd as in please/ thank you, don't act like an animal at the dinner table. For example my step daughter will demand that she wants juice "I want some juice" an  not in asking way an  they jump right up and give it to her. 

usually I just bite my tongue and don't say anything to them about these things but the other night my mother in law called me because my husband got in a car accident, so I answered it just to let her know that everything was okay and she was just being a very rude bitch to me telling me how she didn't care about my husband . she was worried about my sd which I told her that my sd was fine and was  at home with me, when she continued to be rude I just lost it and everything that I have kept inside that bothers me about her came out. and she told me that my sd is her blood not mine and thatI have no say when it comes to my sd and I need to quite acting like her mother because I' m not and I have no right to tell her how she can treat her grand daughter. I took this very offensive  because I know I am not my sd real mom but I take care of her every hour of every day an  treat her and am trying to raise  just like I would if I did give birth to her. I just don't know what to do about my mother in law my husband called her after are fight to try and work things out and she told him that I am no longer aloud on her property and then lied about everything she said to me. I want my sd to keep a relationship with her family but I can't handle my mother in law anymore and my husband told her that as long as she is going to be that way to his wife he will not talk to her or see her anymore and neither will his daughter.


I just don't know what to do about my mother in law or the whole situation? I hate it being this way and am so confused on if I' m in the wrong or not. or even If I' m not in the wrong because I believe I was just standing up for my self and let everything I usually bite my tongue about come out. I just don't know how to fix my situation and make it better. or even if it is worth the effort. please help!!!!

by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sleeblended
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:39 AM

Sounds like your husband needs to draw some lines.  Like when he and you are around, it is your parenting that comes first, not the grandmother's.  I can see into the future that when she is older if she gets mad she will want to run to grandma's house.  He needs to put a stop to this now.  You can do nothing to fix this situation.  He is the only one that can fix this.  If grandma cannot behave the way that you and DH want her to, then contact needs to be limited until she figures it out.

1der1
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:41 AM

party it up.....because I hate the bitch too.  lol

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:43 AM
2 moms liked this

sounds like my MIL

only with my mil-it got to the point where BM and I would both tell MIL NOT to do certain things (over feeding/staying up late)and she purposely did it because we had no right telling MIL what to do.

Finally DH stepped in-and told MIL "you refuse to obey his mother's requests and my orders-therefore you're not safe for my son to be around" and he forbidden ss from being around MIL for several months.

This included verbal and physical abuse from MIL against myself and Bm. Perhaps a cutoff is the way to go. Keep the children away from her-ban her from your home-no visits no phone calls.

mdenison
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 11:26 AM

thank you for your advice, my husband has sat down an  told her a few times how are rules come first and she needs to obey them and she just ignores them, so I think we are going to cut are ties until she gets it through her head

Quoting sleeblended:

Sounds like your husband needs to draw some lines.  Like when he and you are around, it is your parenting that comes first, not the grandmother's.  I can see into the future that when she is older if she gets mad she will want to run to grandma's house.  He needs to put a stop to this now.  You can do nothing to fix this situation.  He is the only one that can fix this.  If grandma cannot behave the way that you and DH want her to, then contact needs to be limited until she figures it out.


mdenison
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 11:31 AM

thank you and same with us BM and I have a close relationship and have both told my mother in law the same we even sat down me, my husband an  BM with my mother in law. and just like you situation it' s like she seems to keep going behind are back to do it un purposely. My family says they think its because maybe my mother in law feels guilty for something or t hat she acts that way because she wants my sd to see her a  the favorite., because between all are blended families she has 6 sets of grandparents

Quoting Tigress22304:

sounds like my MIL

only with my mil-it got to the point where BM and I would both tell MIL NOT to do certain things (over feeding/staying up late)and she purposely did it because we had no right telling MIL what to do.

Finally DH stepped in-and told MIL "you refuse to obey his mother's requests and my orders-therefore you're not safe for my son to be around" and he forbidden ss from being around MIL for several months.

This included verbal and physical abuse from MIL against myself and Bm. Perhaps a cutoff is the way to go. Keep the children away from her-ban her from your home-no visits no phone calls.


Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 11:45 AM

Let your DH handle his mother and cut her apron strings.  Chances are, she'd behave in the same entitled,"I am grandma!" toward BM if BM were still part of the picture.  Overstepping grandmas tends to overstep regardless of who is in the picture.  That fact that you're not a blood relative is just an excuse.  If you were SD's mother, there'd be a different excuse. 

My grandmother (mom's mom) was really bad in that department.  She gave my dad fits about men should not be left alone with babies, he couldn't be trusted with his own kids, etc., just because my grandfather (mom's dad) was lousy SOB whose character my grandmother projected onto other men.  And she was far worse about trying to dictate to my mom how to be a mother.  My mom ended up keeping her parents at arm's length to preserve her sanity and marriage.  She and my dad have both joked that had they not moved away from my mom's parents, they'd have ended up divorced.  It was that bad.  Point being, the only real solution for handling a person who feels entitled to tell your business and try to take over control is to set really firm boundaries.

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:27 PM

My MIL is the exact same way.... or was. I haven't spoken to her in 2 years and it's been great for me. My DH wasn't as aware of the situatuion with his mom when we first got married. After about a year, he had a talk with her about boundaries. That night I got a phone call from her (caller ID, hello?) and she just said Bitch and hung up the phone. Then tried denying it to my DH. It has taken years to get to the point he is now with his mom. She still tries to be both mom and dad to my SD10, my DH still has to put her in her place at least a couple of times a year. He knows how his mother is now and has simply told her: you either respect mine, my wife's, and my ex's parenting over SD, or you won't see her. Period.

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:29 PM


Quoting mdenison:

thank you and same with us BM and I have a close relationship and have both told my mother in law the same we even sat down me, my husband an  BM with my mother in law. and just like you situation it' s like she seems to keep going behind are back to do it un purposely. My family says they think its because maybe my mother in law feels guilty for something or t hat she acts that way because she wants my sd to see her a  the favorite., because between all are blended families she has 6 sets of grandparents

Quoting Tigress22304:

sounds like my MIL

only with my mil-it got to the point where BM and I would both tell MIL NOT to do certain things (over feeding/staying up late)and she purposely did it because we had no right telling MIL what to do.

Finally DH stepped in-and told MIL "you refuse to obey his mother's requests and my orders-therefore you're not safe for my son to be around" and he forbidden ss from being around MIL for several months.

This included verbal and physical abuse from MIL against myself and Bm. Perhaps a cutoff is the way to go. Keep the children away from her-ban her from your home-no visits no phone calls.


holy hell.....do we share a MIL?! SS6 is MIL's favorite-she would go out of her way for this boy smh

she would be sitting on the couch with SIL's children-shove them away so ss6 could sit with her....smh

meerkat101
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Haha - my MOM is the same way. SHE always knows best when it comes to my DD. Giving her sweets and fizzy drinks, when I asked her to PLEASE not give it to DD every day.

If you get a solution - I would LOVE to hear it!!
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Amy1973Potts
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:47 PM
My future MIL can't handle me bc I rattle her to her core. I see right thru her and she can't bend me to her will and force me to think her way like she does everyone else. (She is a therapist with a strong narcisissist streak). I am clear and direct while being polite but I don't subscribe to her shit and neither does her son.

She wants us to kiss her ass, and we won't. Her girlfriend wants him to pick me or his mother. (This coming from a disbarred lawyer/Ponzi scheme - the voice of reason and virtue)

He did. Ultimatums ultimately backfire.
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