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A serious lie

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 12:01 AM
  • 11 Replies

My husband got a call from his sister.  Well she tells him that their step-dad is dying from cancer (just like their mom did).  The problem is this can't be confirmed since the Grandfather won't answer our calls.  Things just are not adding up.  Well his sister says that she is taking SD over to his house for the weekend for her to spend time with him.  I don't want SD lied to!  This is hurts my heart to think that someone has to make up a lie to see her.  We have told him before that we would bring her over on our time, but he has remained friends with my DH ex-wife and doesn't want to see my kids only his "precious Granddaughter".  I feel awful if he does have cancer, but when the person with the disease won't tell you about it, it just doesn't fit.  I am not giving anyone in his family my opinion and am keeping these thoughts to myself.  Cancer is an awful thing and no one should have to deal with this, especially a child who already lost someone that was very close to her. 

UPDATE with clearer information...

She just lost her Grandmother to cancer last August and was very upset about the whole thing (understandibly)  that is why I don't want him to be lying to her just to see her more often.  My DH's sister has forced her way into being a "mom" to his daughter and really oversteps her boundaries as an Aunt.  I am not holding any grudges at all.  The Grandfather is.  I would go over there in a heartbeat, but I know we are not wanted there so why upset him.  DH has taken her over there often (since myself and my kids are not welcome.  He seems to have more than a "friendship" with DH ex-wife.  She stays over there, he fixes her car when it breaks down, buys her expensive gifts.  It is really weird.  The ex-wife moved across town so he isn't able to see her all the time like he used to, hence why he is saying that he doesn't get to see her as often, she doesn't live as close anymore. 


by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 12:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 12:59 AM

How does your DH's sister fit into this picture?  Would she be in on a lie like this or would their step-dad lie to her as well?  If you can't trust your DH's sister, then I would have your DH go straight to his step-dad and find out what the truth is.  If he really does have cancer, then arrange a visit from your SD if you feel she is old enough for it to be appropriate and if you and your DH go with her for the visit so that the ex isn't there to manipulate the visit.  It also seems to me that your children who are a part of the family should go for the visit as well whether or not the grandfather has asked to see them or not.  All go as a family.   This wouldn't be the time to hold a grudge about only taking "his" grand-daughter."   If all this is a lie, it would be the last time the sister ever got me or my DH on the phone and no way would she tell me or my DH she was going to take my SD anywhere to see anyone!  Come to think of it, she wouldn't be seeing my SD either!

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:09 AM
This is a bit off topic but kind of the same. There is a new lady in the office and she has started telling everyone that she is being treated for breast cancer. At first we were kind of shocked and the reason why is... She sits in the desk that originally belonged to a previous co- worker who was very dear to all of us. She passed away two years ago from breast cancer. It was the longest battle. She found out too late. They did the mastectomy on both breasts. Then she was cancer free. Then she got thyroid cancer. They removed the thyroid. Then she found that her breast cancer had moved to her liver. So they removed a portion of the liver. Then it moved to her lungs and her battle was over. It was devastating to us. Now we currently have another co- worker who has been battling ovarian cancer. She can't find the right treatment and most recently has told us she is going to work until she can't anymore ... And she is no longer seeking treatment. Just devastating. Again. Close to home in the office. This new chick is running around telling everyone that she is doing chemo and radiation but she has yet to miss one single day and has every hair on her head ... I think she is lying and so do some others. It's infuriating because we've lived this with a co- worker - twice now. And very likely will be losing our other co- worker eventually. It just angers me so much that someone is so attention hungry that they would make up such a lie and not even consider anyone else's feelings. Ugh! Just had to share.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:10 AM
As far as your DH's family goes - I really hope this is not a lie. How devastating to a child to have to deal with the fear of cancer taking away yet another family member.
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Troubleswife
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:11 AM

This is how my thought process is on stuff like this. 

What do you have to lose if it is a lie and she goes over there?

What does SD have to REALLY lose if she is lied to? 

What happens if Granddad has cancer and is just too stubborn to tell you because he's pissed at you? 

How would YOU and SD feel if he really has cancern and you don't let her go? 

Which has the greater risk? What are those consequences? How does this impact me, DH or the rest of our family?

In the end, and this is just me,  I would feel 100x worse if he really had cancer, was sick and I was too stubborn to give it a chance because he didn't talk to me personally. I choose to live my life without regrets so I tend to speak up and give people chances with that in mind.

I can deal with what might be perceived as lies. I can find a reason that maybe he thought he had cancer and more test can back negative. I can explain that easily. I can't so much explain to myelf or the children why I thought grandad was lying because he wouldn't return my calls and really he was over stressed and couldn't deal with one more stress.

I think you should not tell her exactly why she is going over there. Tell her what you REALLY know, "You were told that he was sick. He would like to see her and that you haven't heard from him when you tried calling. Maybe everyone will learn more this weekend when you go visit."  then let it unfold naturally. Kids are far more resiliant and smart than most give them credit for.

angelmommy2806
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:48 AM

That's awful! Very sorry for your losses.

Quoting momof2ex1:

This is a bit off topic but kind of the same. There is a new lady in the office and she has started telling everyone that she is being treated for breast cancer. At first we were kind of shocked and the reason why is... She sits in the desk that originally belonged to a previous co- worker who was very dear to all of us. She passed away two years ago from breast cancer. It was the longest battle. She found out too late. They did the mastectomy on both breasts. Then she was cancer free. Then she got thyroid cancer. They removed the thyroid. Then she found that her breast cancer had moved to her liver. So they removed a portion of the liver. Then it moved to her lungs and her battle was over. It was devastating to us. Now we currently have another co- worker who has been battling ovarian cancer. She can't find the right treatment and most recently has told us she is going to work until she can't anymore ... And she is no longer seeking treatment. Just devastating. Again. Close to home in the office. This new chick is running around telling everyone that she is doing chemo and radiation but she has yet to miss one single day and has every hair on her head ... I think she is lying and so do some others. It's infuriating because we've lived this with a co- worker - twice now. And very likely will be losing our other co- worker eventually. It just angers me so much that someone is so attention hungry that they would make up such a lie and not even consider anyone else's feelings. Ugh! Just had to share.


angelmommy2806
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 1:48 AM
1 mom liked this

That's very sad if it is a lie. If it isn't though then your SD can spend some time with him before its too late.

Troubleswife
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:15 AM
I have known people who have had chemo for breast cancer and not lost their hair. Theirs was less invasive form. I can't remember the chemo type but I think it was oral even. He worked full time and was busy.

I am sorry for the nerve it hits in your grief. I hope she is being truthful and just able to tolerate chemo and this challenge because of the type and trying to be positive.

Hugs


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is a bit off topic but kind of the same. There is a new lady in the office and she has started telling everyone that she is being treated for breast cancer. At first we were kind of shocked and the reason why is... She sits in the desk that originally belonged to a previous co- worker who was very dear to all of us. She passed away two years ago from breast cancer. It was the longest battle. She found out too late. They did the mastectomy on both breasts. Then she was cancer free. Then she got thyroid cancer. They removed the thyroid. Then she found that her breast cancer had moved to her liver. So they removed a portion of the liver. Then it moved to her lungs and her battle was over. It was devastating to us. Now we currently have another co- worker who has been battling ovarian cancer. She can't find the right treatment and most recently has told us she is going to work until she can't anymore ... And she is no longer seeking treatment. Just devastating. Again. Close to home in the office. This new chick is running around telling everyone that she is doing chemo and radiation but she has yet to miss one single day and has every hair on her head ... I think she is lying and so do some others. It's infuriating because we've lived this with a co- worker - twice now. And very likely will be losing our other co- worker eventually. It just angers me so much that someone is so attention hungry that they would make up such a lie and not even consider anyone else's feelings. Ugh! Just had to share.
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savingtheworld
by Bronze Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 6:37 AM
I think that's aweful:( I just lost my grandmother, due to cancer..but I will add while she was doing treatments etc. My grandmother never lost her hair


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is a bit off topic but kind of the same. There is a new lady in the office and she has started telling everyone that she is being treated for breast cancer. At first we were kind of shocked and the reason why is... She sits in the desk that originally belonged to a previous co- worker who was very dear to all of us. She passed away two years ago from breast cancer. It was the longest battle. She found out too late. They did the mastectomy on both breasts. Then she was cancer free. Then she got thyroid cancer. They removed the thyroid. Then she found that her breast cancer had moved to her liver. So they removed a portion of the liver. Then it moved to her lungs and her battle was over. It was devastating to us. Now we currently have another co- worker who has been battling ovarian cancer. She can't find the right treatment and most recently has told us she is going to work until she can't anymore ... And she is no longer seeking treatment. Just devastating. Again. Close to home in the office. This new chick is running around telling everyone that she is doing chemo and radiation but she has yet to miss one single day and has every hair on her head ... I think she is lying and so do some others. It's infuriating because we've lived this with a co- worker - twice now. And very likely will be losing our other co- worker eventually. It just angers me so much that someone is so attention hungry that they would make up such a lie and not even consider anyone else's feelings. Ugh! Just had to share.

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Pero1
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 6:44 AM

My father is suffering from Parkinsons and hasn't told us. He is shaking like mad, but we were instructed by my SM to ignore it, he doesn't want us to know.

That said, even if it is a lie ... he probably wants to see his "precious granddaughter", and you are tying any contact to him stopping his friendship with BM and adopting your view of "family" (I presume your children are from your previous relationship). That's probably the saddest part about this situation ... that - if indeed it is a lie - he has to use one to see his grandchild.

krazykiddles
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 7:05 PM

She just lost her Grandmother to cancer last August and was very upset about the whole thing (understandibly)  that is why I don't want him to be lying to her just to see her more often.  My DH's sister has forced her way into being a "mom" to his daughter and really oversteps her boundaries as an Aunt.  I am not holding any grudges at all.  The Grandfather is.  I would go over there in a heartbeat, but I know we are not wanted there so why upset him.  DH has taken her over there often (since myself and my kids are not welcome.  He seems to have more than a "friendship" with DH ex-wife.  She stays over there, he fixes her car when it breaks down, buys her expensive gifts.  It is really weird.  The ex-wife moved across town so he isn't able to see her all the time like he used to, hence why he is saying that he doesn't get to see her as often, she doesn't live as close anymore. 

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