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Adult SK's - Friendship or maternal figure?

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:19 AM
  • 13 Replies

Long story short, I have 3 SD's - 12, 15, and 22.  The younger two have a different BM than the oldest and she passed away from cancer 2 and 1/2 months ago.  The younger 2 have also lived with DH since the divorce from their BM and since she's died, obviously, they're with us 24/7.  My relationship with all 3 is very, very good and I love them all more than I have words to express.  I'm not a BM and DH and I have been married for just over a year. 

My 22 y/o SD has lived on her own since I've been with DH and has a 2 year old son whose BF is not in the picture.  DH and I gladly help her all we can financially as well as babysitting, etc. According to my SD, she and her BM have a lot of problems.  I've never even met her BM, so I don't really know the depth of the issues, only what SD tells me.  I make it a point to never bash her BM in any way, but just to be there when she needs a shoulder.

Since my oldest SD has never lived with us, I've always approached our relationship as a friendship.  In fact, I'd call her one of my best friends.  Today we were talking and she out of the blue she told me that I'm the closest to a "real mom" (her words) she's ever had and she loved having a "maternal figure" (again, her words) in her life.  It kind of stunned me because I never considered myself "maternal" towards her - at least not in the same way that I do towards the younger SD's. 

I'm just looking for some feedback on how others approach their relationships with adult SK's.

by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jett250
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:28 AM
2 moms liked this
I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing and it seems like sd thinks so too. As kids grow, your relationship as a mother will change. I am older than her, 29, but as an adult I know that my mother and I are now more like friends than we have ever been... but she is still my mama and always will be. If sd considers you a maternal figure, then it works as long as you agree :)
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MiMi03331
by Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:32 AM

Thank you.  This is very, very true.  Before my own Mom died, she was my absolute best friend in the world.  She's been gone for a lot of years and I had forgotten how our relationship evolved over the years. 

Quoting jett250:

I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing and it seems like sd thinks so too. As kids grow, your relationship as a mother will change. I am older than her, 29, but as an adult I know that my mother and I are now more like friends than we have ever been... but she is still my mama and always will be. If sd considers you a maternal figure, then it works as long as you agree :)


jett250
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 2:39 AM
See? This is what this site is for... you already knew the answer, just took a little different perspective lol. Good luck!
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E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 3:17 AM
1 mom liked this

I have an older SD20. DH had custody of her, so I helped raise her through her teen yrs. She was an easy kid. She is now my best friend. When I receive a text from her I can tell that I'm the 1st person she is telling. I fell like she said to herself, I need to tell SM about this......


You sound like a good SM. :)

welcome

sassy711
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 8:10 AM

Sounds as if you've handled everything quite well.  Just continue to be supportive.  Sometimes another adult female role model can provide what a kid doesn't get from the BM.  This doesn't mean you were trying to "replace" BM, you merely augmented it.  That's a good thing and apparently your SD realizes it.  So glad things have worked well for you and her.  Additionally, the oldest SD has probably set the tone for the younger SD's and that is a blessing in itself. 

cherylam
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 11:42 AM

My darling SD uses dear old Dad, and I keep my mouth shut.  I serve one purpose, and one purpose only... I make more money that he does, so she tries every once in a while to get money from me.  Other wise, we waver between wary friendship and hostile territory.  She is very close to her mother, which I understand and can honestly respect.  I make a point of making sure all gifts , Christmas, Birthday, holiday, etc are exactly the same for her and my own children.  She just announced her second pregnancy, and I'm 'grandma' as she wants handmade quilts waiting for this child, like the last one.

yesmaam
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 3:31 PM

I think approaching it as a friendship is a great way to go.

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 3:53 PM

I think its sweet.   I had a SD that said the same thing (20) but the BM is never around.  Left her house with her daughters  (19, 20 & 21) to go move in with a guy she met 3 weeks ago.  Apparently they are engaged now.  Before that the BM stayed across the street with her other boyfriend.  Did nothing for the girls and this ws years before they got to this age.  To tem they feel like their mom dont even care about them.   I can talk to one of the girls about anything and even the stuff I dont agree with I tell her I dont.  But I have neve come across as really a mother figure but they all refer to me as one of their parents.  My Dh gets usset cause she doesent talk to him like me but I think she relates to me more as a friend.

JalensMommy2012
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 5:22 PM
This is awesome and I think its great you approach the relationship as a friendship.

My SM came into my life when I was 17. Me and my BM were not that close BUT she was and still is very involved in my life. SM came in and called herself trying to mother me and that caused a breakdown from the beginning. She went from one extreme (trying to be my mother) to the next extreme (wanting nothing to do with me at all and making it seem like the sun rose and set out of her kids ass)

I'm 32 now and we still don't have a relationship. I was open to trying this past summer when my son was first born because she was so excited about me having a baby (which was kinda weird...but still) but she again went to the extreme and kept referring to herself as his grandma and she's not, then she didn't respect my wishes regarding pictures of him under the guise of being his grandma (which she's not) so we are back to square ZERO.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2013 at 5:26 PM

 i met my SO when his two oldest were young adults. i view them as "friends". they have a mother they look to. the third from BM1 was 15. i felt she was old enough to decide how close she wanted to be with me. we get along fine but we arent super close. she also loves her mom and i respect that.

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